Title: Richard Carpenter Punishment

Soundcloud Time: 1:42:08
Youtube Time: 1:47:27

Original Record Date: June 17, 2013
Soundcloud Publication Date: June 23, 2013
Youtube Publication Date: April 1, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s had ten orgasms in a single night and, unlike cheating Russell Brand, didn’t have anyone to help him.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
As the Earth Guardian in Robbie the Reindeer: Close Encounters of the Herd Kind.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Cooler
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Unlike

Member Member Note
David Frew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
nuclear physicist
RH requests that RB give sex tips for audience members like David
doesn’t know what two metals combine to make bronze
Unnamed RH shows her on hand-held camera after she tries to film RB talking about sucking his own cock
Andy McH identified the pub in which RB found a man he wanked off for RE:Brand
Unnamed asked RB: How many cards did you get on Sunday?

Emergency Questions

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Yes. Yeah, I used to and actually was able to temporarily. In adolescence – don’t film. This is the bit you’re filming? That, out of context, on Youtube.

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

Are there nerves in it? I see no advantages to the ham hand, but the sun cream dispensing armpit I feel is a party piece; say you’re at a Copa Cabana, like if you were in a Barry Manilow song […] you can dispense that for yourself and one other. There’s no drawback to that. What’s the nozzle like? Is it a weird nipple? I don’t want it if it looks all bizarre. I don’t want it if it impairs my natural arm swing or anything like that. Is it quite projectile? Can I dispense it from a distance? Like Spiderman? “Hey, that causes cancer!” *Mimes shooting sun cream from his armpit.* I’m a superhero! Definitely the sun cream.

When you eat asparagus, does your wee then smell of asparagus?

Yeah, and yesterday I drank a drink of smashed-up asparagus. It was really not a good thing to blend. It was mixed with apple that made it better, but you were aware of the smell of your own urine while drinking a drink. And that’s not a good sensation.

When your wife eats asparagus, does her wee smell of asparagus afterwards? And if you didn’t know, would she let you smell her wee to find out?

I wouldn’t, like, it wasn’t that kind of a relationship… that involved micturition. If after that heart-warming, polemical speech, the quote that The Daily Mail uses: “Russell Brand says Katy Perry’s piss…” I can’t live with that.

How many chemicals are there in a carrot?

I don’t know about that. Keratine is in there. Water. Whatever it is what makes your eyes better.

Have you ever seen a ghost?


Have you ever seen a bigfoot?


What is your favourite cheese?

Quite like a mild cheddar or Red Leicester. I try not to eat too much cheese now ’cause I’ve gone up my own ass.

Ben Evans: Evan Warburton: Did you eat jellybeans after being in Hop?

In the film Hop – another masterpiece. […] I could look at another jellybean after the protangonist that I played – E.B. – he would defecate jellybeans. That was actually the best bit.

Ben Evans: Antony [unintelligible]: Do you like having your hair so long and are you going to cut it?

I like having it this long. And I don’t know if I’m going to cut it. I don’t know.

Ben Evans: Antony [unintelligible]: What is your best joke?

Oh, I don’t know. That child’s got every right to ask that question and I should have to answer it but in fact I can’t. Makes me feel like a fraud, I apologize. Sometimes I want to kill the old self. I think, you know, should I? Why not, like, so down in the dumps.


RB had just returned from America and was “quite jet-lagged”.

RH notes that there are more girls in the audience than usual.

RH states that he dressed up because he thought he might be in the news.

RH says that My Bookie Wook and Moab is My Washpot are terrible book titles.

RH claims that at one point RB looks like Bridget Christie.