Title: The Disillusioning Illusionist

Soundcloud Time: 1:28:16
Youtube Time: 1:29:21

Original Record Date: June 24, 2013
Soundcloud Publication Date: June 30, 2013
Youtube Publication Date: April 17, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s gonna sing a Queen song then do a shit on stage.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
From Saturday Zoo.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
exchanged places with a good-looking woman from “last week” who had left because she was going on her honeymoon the next day
had to take over “fly duty”
Andy McH shown on RH’s hand-held camera
 while talking about the Stewart Lee masturbating puppet incident, Andy suggested SL wanting the Michel Winter puppet might be connected
RH said he wouldn’t let Andy be on crotch watch

Emergency Questions

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Not for a while. I think I probably did when I was about, sort of, eleven or twelve and just discovered the joys of erections. I probably did. I used to have Olympic runners up on my walls – pictures of Olympic runners – so I think it’s almost inevitable that I did. I’ve suddenly realized where I’m going with this. It’s really bad and I do apologize. When I was sort of twelve I think that’s probably the nearest I had to porn, was pictures of Olympic runners. Actually, you should ask that of a long-jumper. “Have you ever sucked your cock, even by accident in training”?

Ben Evans: Archie Vandervlett: Do you prefer Chinese or Thai food?

Do you know I couldn’t rightly tell you. There’s a lovely place around the corner called The Friendly Inn. Go there; the woman who runs it is fucking great. I always go there because she just sits there and takes the piss out of everyone. And I walked in there recently with my wife and some friends, and she just sat at the front table going, “Is he your husband? He was my toyboy, I taught him everything.” And I quite like that.

Ben Evans: In primary school I came up with a story about another 11-year old called Mark Thomas. Shortly after telling my father the story, I found out your name was the same as my character. So my question is: Why did you steal my character’s name?

I can’t answer that because we are in on-going litigation, but that kid is having their fucking ass sued.

Ben Evans: Jonathan Wright: Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?

I think up until recently a badger. But cow now.

How many chemicals are there in a carrot?


If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

Armpit. I think I’d go for the armpit of sun cream because I quite like the idea of *makes dispensing sound* and there’s just be a little dollop of sun cream. Partly because, I was tempted by the ham hand, but I heard where the pork scratching fingernails come from and I thought, No.

When you eat asparagus, does your wee then smell of asparagus?


When your wife eats asparagus, does her wee smell of asparagus afterwards? And if you didn’t know, would she let you smell her wee to find out?

Yes. And when your wife…

If you had to have sex with an animal – if you had to – what animal would you have sex with, if you had to?

Giraffe. I think if you’re going to get a bad reputation no matter what you go with, you might as well go for a goodie. And also they’ve got incredible tongues, giraffes. I don’t know if you know that. I was looking from an Attenborough point of view, but someone had to fucking spoil it.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

Yes. Bizarrely I saw this – it was a whole kind of truth-or-dare situation and there was no giraffes or okapis left. Um, no is the answer. I’ve never seen a bigfoot; I apologize.


RH taks about the audience members being the commissioning editors of the show through their support (paying for video, going to the live recordings, etc.

RH tells story about RH and Stewart Lee getting into a bidding war with Michael Winter over the Michael Winter puppet from Spitting Image.

RH says that “Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?” would be made a permanent emergency question.

RH says that John Lloyd claimed there were 22 chemicals in a carrot.

When speaking about sex with animals, RH notes that from behind the okapi looks like a nice lady.

MT holds the world record for the most protests in one day.

MT tells the story about doing a gig in a cattle market.