Title: Talcum Powder Tit
Original Record Date: September 30, 2013
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 8, 2013
Youtube Publication Date: May 6, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
Who’s been making crystal meth in a pumpkin with a very special ingredient.
Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Nevermind the Fullstops.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note James shown on RH’s hand-held camera RH declares him to be good-looking; asks if he’s a male model postman knows who Tucker Jenkins is 31 years old Karen married to James musician Catherine Wilkins shown on RH’s hand-held camera married to RH Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera SK thinks they look like Statler and Waldorf Mike Stoner not in audience question read from RH’s book wants SK to know that her name is an anagram of Posh Kids Piranha
Ben Evans: On Live at the Apollo,what does it feel like to be standing behind the massive sign with “Live At the Apollo” written on it?
It feels like my life is going to be shorter than it was meant to be without that. It is the most nerve-racking thing ever. The first one that I did I’m really happy with and part of the reason that I feel I gave such a good performance is just before I was about to go on I went for a last minute gloss check in my dressing room and there was a man peeing in my sink. He was peeing in my sink. And I don’t know who he was. I think he was a ghost. And then he came out and Jo Brand was in the thing next door and I said, “There’s a man weeing!” and she said, “Oh, they never would do that if it was a male comedian’s dressing room,” which I agreed with. And then it was kind of like, exciting. You know how sometimes you need something to jolt you out of your nerves?
Do you have any unusual phobias?
No. My best mate Penny – oh, she’s asked me never to say her name in public. My best mate Genevieve has a phobia of newspapers. Anything in print. And when we were kids I used to roll up a newspaper and chase her around with it and she once fainted. But no, that’s a very real phobia so I’m interesting by proxy.
What is the closest you have ever come to actually dying?
Last week. Last week I was in Kruger National Park in South Africa and I was tracking a rhino by foot. My foot, my own feet. And I was holding the tracker’s hand and it was a real heart-in-mouth, scary… I thought that Live at the Apollo was scary, but being very close to a wild rhino that’s staring right at you was absolutely petrifying in the most exhilarating way. I felt alive. And if you were the motherfucker who stole my phone in Marks & Spencer a few days ago with all of my safari photos, please give them back.
If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?
Will it grow back again ham or my flesh? No, I’d have to have the dispenser. Sun cream dispenser. If I don’t – is it like breast milk? If I don’t use it it will dry up?
Would you rather have a hand made out of ham, an armpit that dispensed sun cream, or a tit that dispensed talcum powder?
I like talcum powder tit. I’m too post-natal for this.
Ben Evans: Do you know how to speak in Persian? And if so, what is “I have an orange fingernail” in Persian?
Well, the language is Farsi, or Persian, actually. No both are good. “I have an orange fingernail?” Okay, the answer is *Answer in Persian.*
Have you ever seen a bigfoot?
Well I’m a size 7 and I’m 5″2′, does that count? Okay. Uh, have I ever seen a bigfoot? No.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No, I really wanted to see a ghost. When my gran died I thought, Oh, maybe this will be the time when I’ll be proved wrong. That there’s a God and she’ll come to me in ghost form. It shows that there’s something supernatural. No, she was fine. She was proper gone. I am scared of ghosts though, and I don’t believe in them. Petrified of them. Sometimes I have to leave my own house and sit in the garden in the daytime. And I’m so scared of ghosts that I started to write ghost stories but I freak myself out. So I’ve got about five quarter-written ghost books, ghost stories. I’m too scared to finish them. I get the heebie-jeebies.
The producer of 24 Hours to Go Broke episode had a phobia of oversized objects.
No one in the audience had seen Best Man’s Speech.
SK gave birth three months prior to recording.
RH threatened to spoil Breaking Bad for audience.
SK’s question about breast milk drying up leads RH to imagine a talcum powder tit and muses at its usefulness.
Acquaintances’ names in a story SK tells are removed.
SK hates the title of A Beginner’s Guide to Acting English and wanted to call it English People Smell of Milk.