Title: Randy Dyke
Original Record Date: October 7, 2013
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 23, 2013
Youtube Publication Date: May 20, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
Who would run 3.1 miles but who will not run 3.1 miles more.
Guest Best Known
As Mrs. Lily Lemon from Hotel Trouble.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Adrian Reynolds sent RH a present of an electric fly-swatter in the shape of a tennis racket (called the Electrocutioner) Tom did not want to have the Executioner tested on him Butlers did not want to have the Executioner tested on them Ruth had the Executioner tested on her said it hurt only mildly MH said that she was very brave Unnamed didn’t enjoy boarding school shown on RH’s hand-held camera thought school was boring because it was an all-girls school
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
So just your finger? The thing is talcum powder is… Does it have to be talcum powder? It’s very unhealthy, isn’t it? Doesn’t it clog your pores? When I was growing up talcum powder was the thing. After every bath Mum covered in talcum powder, I mean that’s the thing, right, in the 80’s? But not anymore so much. Does anyone use talcum powder anymore? Oh, someone with a sweat problem over there. See I thought it was really bad for you and it stopped you sweating and all the sweat sucked back up and you died or something. I’m not a doctor. I’d be really frustrated with my finger going back because I’d want to be with it. Does your finger have the power of speech? Does it return briefly for a minute, just to tell you? Just fingering history. Poking people’s nose. I prefer the tit of talcum powder.
Ben Evans: Jonathan Wright: Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?
I’ve been living off-and-on on a farm recently. I’ve been writing; I’ve been getting out of London to write so I’ve been living in the middle of nowhere on this farm, which I kind of love, and I’ve discovered that badgers are proper frightening. I’ve got a dog and apparently the badger will go for, unprovoked, for no reason, and kill my dog. That’s not good. But then I quite like the idea of getting randomly furious like that. And I am properly terrified of cows. Really scared of cows, even though they’re quite cute, really. But they charge and kill you. I might be the really unpopular cow that gets charged. I’m going to be a badger.
Ben Evans: What inspired you to do what you do?
Boring, but true – it was Eric Morecambe; just seeing him. And the reason was because I’d been told to not be silly that day and I couldn’t bear being told to not be silly by my parents, and then I saw on television these two men being really silly. And I thought, It’s fine for them to be silly. I’m going to do what they do. That was it. And I can remember I was about seven.
Ben Evans: Can you talk about that thing you did where you were singing with a bunch of other people and some people gave you money?
Carol singing? Oh, it would have been Fame Academy. Comic Relief. That was horrendous, I hated every minute of that. Ugh, just, ’cause no one knew who I was, and so that was mortifying anyway, because you’re one of those that people are going, “What’s that doing? ‘Celebrity’ Fame Academy.” And that word anyway, hideous. And then I can sing alright. Like, the teacher said, “You’re alright at singing,” but in public, my throat literally, completely constricts because I’m so terrified. And I had to do Let’s Get Physical by Olivia Newton John, which is apparently hilarious. So frightened, and a headband, the whole thing. I hated it. And Tara Palmer-Tomkinson was part of the thing. She’s mental.
What is it like being *guest*?
I genuinely don’t feel famous or successful so I don’t feel any different. You know how some people own that and are like, “Yeah, I’m famous” and wave to people and expect to be… I don’t – I just get slightly embarrassed if someone recognizes me. I feel like I’m constantly apologizing for what I put on television. It’s weird. I think it’s a very female thing to do and very British thing to do and very middle-class thing to do. Just sort of constantly going, “Really? Me? Really?” So yeah, I don’t own it.
Do you have any unusual phobias?
You think you know the answer to this? I’ve had quite a few phobias. I wouldn’t lay claim to serious agoraphobia. I definitely have an agoraphobic blip. Can’t go about. I was having panic attacks therefore the thought of being in the middle of a row – I don’t want to alarm you – I always had to sit in the aisle. The thought of being somewhere where you can’t… In a supermarket queue or anything like that. If you had a panic attack that would be really embarrassing because you’d sort of have to extricate yourself. It was that. I have a fear of choking. I asked my mum recently, I said, “Did I choke on something when I was little?” and she went “No, no, no, NO. NO, you didn’t. And I said, “Ah, okay. Something happened.”
Ben Evans: What did you do on the CBBC programme Stupid and what was it like?
Oh, okay. That’s on the kids’ show. I quite liked that sketch. I played a vet and the cat – no, was I the owner? No, I was the vet. And somebody brought in a windy cat. So we had a real cat and there was lots of – the person who watched Hyperdrive thinks this is hilarious. And then there was a wind machine, so we constantly had to have *wooshing sound* with my hair going like that. I thought it was really funny but I find farts funny. In life or in television and comedy.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Do you know, yes. I’m still sceptical, I don’t know what ghosts are, I don’t know if I believe in ghosts. However, I don’t know the answer to this thing, where I was staying at this old convent with my aunt and uncle in Gibraltar and my cousins were in one room and there was an interconnecting bathroom with the door to their room, then me and my sister were in the other room. I went to the loo in the middle of the night – and there was a story of a nun that had been bricked up in my cousin’s bedroom. And I was like, bollocks, bollocks, you know, ghosts don’t exist. Anyway, went to the loo in the middle of the night and a door opened to their room and somebody walked through and opened the door into my room and carried on walking through. And I went, “Lizzie, what are you doing? Why are you – don’t go – are you going to my bed?” Because I honestly just though… I wasn’t scared that someone went through. I thought, well that’s weird. Still half-asleep. Went back to bed, turned over and still saw this woman. And genuinely saw someone and screamed so loud I woke everyone up. I just saw a thing walking along and the doors open and they were fast asleep. So how do you…
Have you ever seen a bigfoot?
No, just mine. Does everyone say that? Is that like the bell going off in QI?
When you eat asparagus, does your wee then smell of asparagus?
It just stinks. Is that a sign of sexual magnetism? I have a very keen sense of smell.
If you had to marry one of the Muppets, which one would you marry?
The thing is, the worst thing about this question is that you’ve revealed the fact that the Muppets passed me by.
What would it take for you to fellate the actor Keith Allen?
Oh wow. It requires some quite hardcore thinking as well. Maybe… can you be, like, abstract? Could I go back 10 years? Yeah, I’ll do that then. I’ll go back 10 years. I’ll fellate him now, and I want to start my life 10 years ago again and live them. Either I’ll be where I am now but be 30 or I’d ike to go back and do it all again.
RH ran a half marathon the day prior to recording this episode.
RH and MH plan a hilarious cross-gender film.
RH recounts story about a serious argument with another child about Fairlands Middle School having a chance of winning against Liverpool.
MH recounts writing to Jim’ll Fix It to request a race with Sebastian Coe, but Coe would have to run normally and not let her win.
At RH’s request, MH does her “Sorry” “catchphrase” from the opening credits of Not Going Out.
RH says that, of the Muppets, he’d like to sleep with the Swedish Chef.