Title: Penis Sausage

Soundcloud Time: 1:11:34
Youtube Time: 1:13:43

Original Record Date: October 14, 2013
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 6, 2013
Youtube Publication Date: June 3, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just eaten a whole large pack of giant chocolate buttons all on his own.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
For appearing in the panel show Don’t Feed the Gondolas.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Butlers shown on RH’s hand-held camera
Antonia shown on RH’s hand-held camera
retraining to be a deaf services interpreter
previously worked in social services
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
butler at Buckingham Palace
Unnamed works in IT
shown on RH’s hand-held camera
Unnamed works in IT

Emergency Questions

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

Would it make a cloud? Obviously you don’t want every time someone pushes up against you on the tube *poof*! *On the travelling finger:* It wouldn’t just be – like one of those things on Game for a Laugh, where you put your hand into the darkened box and you don’t know what you’re touching. Just your finger would go back an era or so and then you go, Oh, that’s moist. Or, ooh, is it a turtle’s back? […] So I can see, like in Avengers Assemble, it would like, I’d see the gap and I could reach in. Can I pump one of those field telephones? But how would I speak? The phone would ring, “Hello? Hello? Dara, is that your finger dialing me from the future again?” That’s not how phones work. I could go back to a telephone exchange from the 1930’s. And I could redirect; I could pull the thing out, and put it through to, like, a counselling service of some description. And Hitler, as he’s about to announce his huge plan, would have somebody going, “You sure you want to go through with this?” And Hitler would go, “I don’t know. No one’s ever questioned it before. “Well, I don’t think you’ve thought it through.” Why don’t I just pull a trigger and shoot Hitler? If I’ve got my finger there I can just put my finger in behind one of his security guards’ and *sound of gunfire*. That’s clearly better than a tit of talcum powder. It’s a finger of infinite possibility.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Of course not, is the obvious answer – I never have done that. And yet. There is a sense memory that something, you know, for some reason, it doesn’t feel unfamiliar to me as a concept. That something has happened but I have buried it deep, deep down. I must have attempted. The tantalizing reality is that as you get older you get less limber anyway. So, it moves further. So even if you did realize, My God, I would really like to do that, you just haven’t the bendiness in you to get it done, which is the worst of it.

Do you have any unusual phobias?

No. I have really natural fears of things that could kills me.

Have you ever seen a ghost?


Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

You think there’s an anecdote there that will bring this baby home? You think I’ve got through 20 years of a comedy career and never known the right time to tell the bigfoot story? That I’ve been sitting talking to agents for years, “Yeah, surely this is a show” and they say “Ahhh… no. We’re just waiting for the exact right moment to unleash this story. Maybe wait until you’ve done a couple of years of science broadcasting. Then suddenly, on Stargazing, stop the show and go, “Brian Cox, that’s all very interesting, but I want to talk tonight about the bigfoot. Many of you science people will be very sceptical. I myself would have been very sceptical of it, but then there was that day I went walking in the Appalachian mountains. Something appeared, and it was not a bear. Don’t tell me this was a bear on its two feet. Laughing at me? I don’t think so.” You think I’m sitting on a piece of gold like that for just such an occasion, such as this. If only I could produce video evidence – grainy video evidence – that I for years have not had the confidence to present to people. But finally now among friends I feel this is… I finally feel that I have the trust earned at this point in my career. How fabulous, how David Ike-like would my descent be at this point in my career? I suddenly started going, “No, no, Jonathan Ross, I don’t want to talk about my upcoming projects. Look again at the footage and explain to me how that gait of an average [brown bear], which is not even endemic to the region we’re talking about, Jonathan. No, Jon, I will not move down the couch for Simon Cowell; this is important. We have been fed lies, sheeple. We have been fed lies about this. Take the wool from your eyes – they walk among us. Like BFG’s, they are here and nice. I am completely serious about this! Don’t go to a commercial break!”


Packed house.

RH says that the best alternate name for the Executioner brought forward by fans is the Venus Williams Flytrap.

RH says that during a recent performance of We’re All Going to Die, a deaf audience member lip-read the entire show.

RH claims to have accidentally broken into Buckingham Palace 1990.

DO is the tallest guest so far.

Earlier in the day, DO tweeted about Dirty Britcom Confessions.

DO holds the record for holding the world’s highest (elevation) comedy gig.

Ben Evans has chosen not to provide any questions today.