Title: Trojan Badger

Soundcloud Time: 1:33:10
Youtube Time: 1:34:02

Original Record Date: October 14, 2013
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 13, 2013
Youtube Publication Date: February 24, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who can’t be relied upon to help you if you collapse on an airplane.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
For his work on I Love 1981 and I Love 1982, but not I Love 1983. Once Andrew Collins became involved he’d had enough.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Unlike

Member Member Note
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
has never watched an episode of Dr. Who
makes him atypical RH audience member
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
bearded
not cool compared to audience member who had not seen Dr. Who
Butlers RH says that the butlers are cool
Clive company director
sitting with Antonia from “last week”
RH loves his voice
his company works in communications
Keira child therapist
questioned about profession by RN
Laura sitting with Keira
GP
Claire fundraiser for a campaigning organization

Emergency Questions

Do you have any unusual phobias?

About glass eyes? I’m slightly worried about glass eyes. Just ’cause, you know, if you’re doing a gig people in the front row with the glass eye, “Hahaha” – laughing, and it shoots out and shoots you in the tits. Do you want to see the tit injuries I’ve suffered? I was talking about glass eyes quite a lot; and I get these things in my head. Tonight, let’s categorize those as “religious people”. I get these things in my head so I was talking about the glass eye thing. And then the next night i was in Liverpool. I was talking about glass eyes in Liverpool. And then the next night I was in Newcastle. And I walk out on stage and there’s a box – like, people bring stuff to my gigs and give me all sorts of weird shit, honestly. And there was a box. And I opened the box and there was a glass eye in the box, right? Brilliant. You’d think it would be like a marble with an eye on it, but it was just the front and it fits over. I enjoyed myself – that sounded wrong, didn’t it? My bits were looking at me – judgmentally. Thought nothing of it; had a lovely time talking about this glass eye. Thought nothing of it until a year later when I returned to the same venue. And this time there was a press cutting on the stage. And it was from a Liverpool newspaper describing robbery that had taken place where a house had been broken into and somebody had stolen a glass eye. I don’t know whether that was pure coincidence or whether somebody went, “Oh, we’re going to see him against tomorrow night in Newcastle. Let’s break into the house of One-Eyed Pete.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I thought it was a ghost. Then I was just passing the stage door of the musical Ghost. And the fella playing Patrick Swayze had not taken his make-up off. And I ran at him, trying to take him down. And he lifted me aloft. I went straight through him. He was at the stage door; he was heckling. The ghost of Patrick Swayze was at the stage door, “Oooooo… This is pissing on my memory. Oooooo… I don’t like it. Oooooo… I had the time of my life”. Clay everywhere; it was ridiculous.

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

Ham hand. Ham hand. Every time. Every time. Ham hand. There is nothing more to say.

Ben Evans: Jonathan Wright: Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?

I would say a few years ago – cow, very dangerous. They were burning them alive. Whereas now, they’ve moved on to badgers. So I would say whichever they are not killing. Which is odd, isn’t it, because the cull… When the mad cow thing happened, and there were big piles of cows, weren’t there? They were burning them in… Was that you getting hungry? I used to stand in those fields with the piles of burning cows, licking my lips. Mm mmm, such a shame. You’ve overdone them, you’ve overdone them. Right, left, and centre – piles, wasn’t there? Burning away. Burning cows. And yet now, with the badger cull, they’re shooting them. Are they burning badgers? What’s happening the the badger corpses? What’s happening to the massive pile of dead badgers? No one’s though about that, have they? It’s all very well, Brian May singing away and all that, but maybe he should realize it’s going to happen anyway. Go, Right, badger storage, corpse storage. That’s what he should be singing about. What, is it in some yellow storage unit in Epping, on the edge of London? Are there Cruella DeVil-style coats? Well they should be. And if they’re not, there’s a big pile of burning badgers somewhere. That’d be a hell of a night, wouldn’t it? If you got all their corpses and didn’t tell your mates you had. People’d come ’round and say, “What’d you invite us around for?” “Have a look in the garden.” Just a big pile of badger corpses. You’re just there with some parrafin. “Oh that’s right, my friends. Come on, get your kit off. Come on. It’s happening. It’s actually happening.” But surely the pelt of the badger. That should be utilized. Obviously you’d have to shoot them in the face. Because you don’t want your gloves, “Oh, there’s a bit of a breeze going through these”. What’s happening? There’s thousands of them getting short left, right, and centre. *RH asks which RN would rather be.* Cow. Although actually, what I’d probably do now, if I was a badger I would probably get me and all my mates together, take down a cow, hollow it out, and then have a Trojan cow type of situation. I’d get in the head so I was operating the cow. And then I’d get all my badger mates in the legs, fill it out so it’s all badgers, and then blend in with some other cows. And then when the hunters come through, you know, pointing the guns around, “Leave it, it’s a cow”. Well ironically, the cow would look a bit mad, and they’d go, “Aw fuck, it’s started again. Burn it”. I’d be inside the head going, Aw, not again.

Notes

RH says he’s only referencing “putting a Shrek in it” once this series.

RN says that RHLSTP is just RH sitting in a chair entertaining himself.

RH says that RN’s answer to the ham hand/sun cream armpit has been the best one so far.

RH says that someday they’ll be in an old folks home having just this sort of conversation.

RH gives RH a DVD of Fist of Fun to restart his comedy collection that burned in a house fire.

RH and RN end the podcast by carrying on miked conversation back stage. Leicester Square Theatre turns the lights off after about 30 seconds of this.