Title: Suckling Milk From A Cow’s Udder
Original Record Date: October 28, 2013
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 26, 2013
Youtube Publication Date: March 9, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who just completed the pilot script of Square Pegg in a Round Hole.
Guest Best Known
As Man with Broken Leg in Run Fat Boy Run. He was a CTU staffer in 24.
Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Michael shown on RH’s hand-held camera “Eugene Tooms” Helen shown on RH’s hand-held camera green hair burlesque dancer Lee shown on RH’s hand-held camera sitting with Helen works for a shelving company Martin shown on RH’s hand-held camera works in pensions RH requests estimate for monthly pension cost, given his lifestyle quotes $200, which RH says is too much and he’d rather just keep the money Bevan shown on RH’s hand-held camera bearded drinking a Fosters lager lawyer Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera “businessman in his suit and tie” works in IT Unnamed sitting in front of the “businessman in his suit and tie” works for the police also in a tie shown on RH’s hand-held camera Oliver Tribe not in audience from Wales, RH guesses asked SM: How did you feel when you won your BAFTA’s?
Ben Evans: How do you think Simon Pegg was chosen to play the amazing role of Thompson in the new Tintin film?
Just knew the people involved. I think that is the answer. That’s how it happens.
Ben Evans: Are you proud to be the voice everyone knows on the adverts for Barkleys and Waterstones?
A) I haven’t done either of those for many, many years. The thing with the Barkley’s adverts I sort of had this naïve thing because my first bank account was with Barkley’s. And they gave me this quite nice plastic folder. I mean then, not when I did the voice-overs. That’s not what swayed it for me. We can’t afford money, but look at this; there’s a spot for your cheque book. So I had this rather cozy image of it as this High Streets thing. And when I was growing up there was the one with the little pigs they’d give you, so I think I went naively into it, blindly thinking, Yeah it’s just a High Street thing. Like, you know, curries or whatever.
Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?
I have never attempted to suck my own penis. However, I’m quite nervous around my penis. I don’t like getting involved down there. Now I’ll tell you why, because I don’t know what size it is in relation to what size it should be. I’m anxious about it because I’m very tall so you would assume it should be large. It seems smaller than it should, but I don’t know if that’s just ’cause things are just weird in the mirror. I don’t want to type in “what size should a penis be if you’re 6’7″?” Once I remember at university I was drunk and I was in the toilets in the Student Union and my friend was in there and I drunkenly went and tried to pee on his shoes. And he went “Ahhh, your penis is really small.” And that freaked me out for years. Like I’ve never really recovered from that. But on subsequent occasions when people have seen it – doctors, nurses, prostitutes – no one’s ever laughed openly or maybe they’ve written about it on blogs or diaries or on that website. So I don’t know what its status currently is. The idea of trying to suck it and then find out that everyone else can suck their cocks would be really distressing to me.
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
Well I don’t really use talcum powder, right? But I can’t see where [the finger] is, right? I can peer through the hole? *RH gives example of possible place/time to travel to.* And why am I going to Berlin 1945, when the war has ended? I just want to see the rubble? I can give Hitler the finger or I can just beckon the people, to Goebbels, to come closer? And then poke him in the eye. It’s kind of a no-brainer.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No. No one’s ever seen a ghost. People think they’ve seen ghosts but they’re mistaken. Sorry to ruin it for you, guys. I used to do this radio show on the BBC World Service – all the glamorous jobs – there was a man once they brought in to interview him and he’d invented a machine that could tell you if ghosts had been in the room. And everyone on the show took it completely serious, 100% seriously. And he had this machine and it was, like, homemade. And it had two lights on it, green and red. And he would leave it in the studio overnight. The next morning we interviewed him on the show and I said, “So what happens?” He said, “If there’s been any ghostly presence then a green light will light up.” Green light lit up, obviously. “But how did that work?” And he said, “Well if there’s a ghost it lights up.” And I said, “I understand that, but how?” He said, “Well when ghosts come in -” And I said, “I know, I understand. I understand.” And obviously he never satisfactorily explained. And I said, “So this doesn’t provide ghosts, does it? It just proves you’ve made a box that can light up.” He said, “Well here’s proof: I was in bed and aghost appeared at the end of my bed. And he said, ‘I’m a sea captain from this ship and it sank in 18-duh-duh-duh’. And I went to the library and looked it up and it had.” And everyone went, “Oooooh.”
Ben Evans’s first question was intended for Simon Pegg.
Ben Evans is in the audience.