Title: Okapi Sandwich

Soundcloud Time: 1:18:11
Youtube Time: 1:19:52

Original Record Date: February 24, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: March 14, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: March 30, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who has just had his towel nicked at the swimming pool.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
HZ: For writing the index of a book about the Marylebone Cricket Club.
OM: For being the gadget correspondent of British Forces News.
They have both written for Keith Lemon’s Lemonade.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Scott Bennett not in audience
asked HZ: How do you feel about your flat being on BBC 2’s Jonathan Meades documentary on brutalism?

Emergency Questions

Who would you have sex with if you had a time-travelling penis?

OM: It’s a genital drone basically, isn’t it? It’s a bit like doing my British Forces gadget corresponding. If I had a genital drone who would I got for? I think Queen Elizabeth I. Partly because of the virgin thing, partly because I could wipe it on the ruff. There is a brilliant conspiracy thrilled where Queen Elizabeth I dies of AIDS. Completely changed the course of history and how she seemed.

HZ: I think the trouble is that you’re running a high risk of getting syphilis. What would happen in a film is that the time travelling mechanism went wrong and your genitals got stuck in the past and they couldn’t find their way home.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

HZ: What’s talcum powder used for nowadays apart from when you’re at a murder mystery making your hair grey? [I would go for finger.]

OM: I’ll tell you what though, guaranteed booking on Lorraine with that though, Richard. You want to find your way back on? I’ve got a breast that dispenses bathroom product is a guaranteed. I’d go finger.

If you were going to go on Dragon’s Den, what would you pitch on Dragon’s Den?

HZ: We’re going to put to sleep the dogs you’ve given just for Christmas. I think I would pitch gyms for adults that are just like kids’ playground. I think that people would like that.

OM: I always have these ideas but now you’ve put me on the spot. But even though I don’t know what the idea is, I know that I would want Deborah and Peter going in 50% each. No other combination of dragons is worth it. That new one, Piers Linney, are you joking? Prove yourself. Don;t just expect me to give you 30% of my company. No one knows who you are. Don’t just sit there twiddling your ring, looking all serious.

If you had to have sex with an animal – if you had to – what animal would you have sex with, if you had to?

OM: Providing that no one would get hurt, I think mountain bear is what I would go with. Female mountain bear. A mountain bear that looks like it could have edited News of the World, yes.

HZ: Stingray. Because they do mimic the feminine vulva anyway. I was going to go for the okapi because it’s like three animals in one, good value. I don’t want to share okapis with you. I want exclusive.

Notes

“Me 1 vs Me 2” mug can be seen on side-table.

RH describes audience as “small but enthusiastic”.

RH pitches Dragon’s Den idea, “A Dog is Just for Christmas”.

RH distinguishes between himself and the character of RH in Lee and Herring.

OM claims that John Donne is his hand double.

RH tells the story of Michael McIntyre coming up with the pun “Dick Her Ring”

OM reads the only question RH ever sent to Answer Me This: Where do you get your crazy ideas from? He had previously asked this of Richard Pryor.

RH says that he wants a sex ghost.