Title: Charlie Chaplin’s Lasts

Soundcloud Time: 1:16:59
Youtube Time: 1:17:11

Original Record Date: February 24, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: March 21, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: April 7, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Whose penis is currently travelling in time and is inside Joan of Arc. Man she’s hot.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
As the Tory candidate from Birds of a Feather.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Like

Member Member Note
Matthew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
agreed to purchase 10% of RH’s asparagus-soya sauce business for £20,000
does not know woman sitting next to him
looks like a young Jesus
makes adverts
his mate left, which is why he’s sitting alone
has a t-shirt that says “Heron Addict”
Butlers present
David Frew nuclear physicist
Unnamed sitting with David Frew
was in a band called The Lightwings
good looking for an RH fan
works for Thames Water
Unnamed sitting with above unnamed
Alice above unnamed’s fiancee
occupational therapist

Emergency Questions

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Oh yes, I’ve definitely tried to. And failed. And even went and did yoga when I was about 19. To think, God, if you really got flexible, you know, but I never managed.

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

I’ve heard this question before after diligently listening to RHLSTP. It made me anxious. I had an anxiety attack when I was walking the dog the other day, about the junction between the human flesh and circulatory system nerves and the ham. I suddenly had this, ooh God, can you imagine if you had a really deep cut on your body somewhere and you pushed cooked ham into it. I just thought, oh that’s got to be fucking horrible. Because I thought when I first heard it, oh, I’d choose the ham hand. I don’t mind a bit of ham. Probably put a gherkin with it. But then I got worries about the junction. Has no one ever mentioned it? So if you haven’t got a hand that you’ve severed at the wrist and you’ve got ham hand… So that made me quite anxious so I thought, well then – is it armpit? But then I thought, well there’s glands there. Could you alter your diet that would then produce either a stronger or weaker sun cream? Because presumably you’re discreting this organically. If I go in the sun I don’t get terribly burnt. Like people like my wife, who’s very Irish, and if there some reflected light off a distant window that comes through and touches her skin she gets freckles and depressed. I could just squirt it on her. I suppose it might be a bonding experience. I’ll go for the sun cream.

Who would you have sex with if you had a time-travelling penis?

Again, I’ve got a little bit of a question here. Which way in terms of time? Because I’d quite like to go forwards. There’s that song by either Busted or McFly, which I’m very proud I haven’t got a clue which… “He went to the year 3000…” Anyway, it’s all the same but they live underwater. And I met your great, great granddaughter and she was looking fine. I thought, God, you know, I’ve got a very handsome male friend who’s got a daughter who is the same age as my children – wrong. But I want to go, like, five generations in the future and have sex with a grown woman who is the great, great granddaughter of this 20-year old woman I know now. The other thing that made me anxious was how thick is the matter – the dark matter – where the wormhole is? Because if it’s, like, really thick it wouldn’t reach, you know? That would be so crazy. You’ve got this fantastic opportunity to have sex with your best friend’s daughter’s great, great, great, great granddaughter.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. No, sorry.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

I have seen some fucking big feet. But not an actual bigfoot, no. Size 19. I used to make shoes for a man who had size 19 feet. All sorts of people, but he stays in my memory.

What age were you breastfed until?

I would guess two. It wasn’t 12.

If you were going to go on Dragon’s Den, what would you pitch on Dragon’s Den?

Well, I’ve got one because of dogs and dog shit. I’m really not keen on dog shit, strangely. And we’ve got a little terrier dog […] I don’t know what she does. She doesn’t make any noise or bite people, she doesn’t do anything. She’s very obedient, walks right by my heel, doesn’t need to be told. I walk right across London with no collar on and she’s just there. Really good little dog. And then last year for some reason that really, really evades me. It’s all about marriage, it’s all about compromise, it’s all about understanding your partner. Regardless, a fucking great stick insect of a lurcher dog suddenly arrived in my house and shat everywhere.[…] Just lakes of canine fecal matter. And then I found out that my daughter thought it was funny because he eats grapes. Grapes are not only bad for dogs but they’re, like, instant mega diarrhea. So we got over that. Then I thought, when I walk with him I have to pick it up. Well the little terrier, it’s like a peanut. Dry and neat, pick that up it’s not a problem. I’m not offended and I’m quite happy to do it. He does it, it’s like a fucking log. It’s just gross and quite often loose nature. A couple of years ago I did a programme in Holland about a guy who builds autonomous drones. And I know that drones are trendy. Probably gone off a bit now but they were trendy. And I saw that footage of the Amazon drone that was delivering to your door and I went, “I like that”. That is good. So there’s a drone that is constantly just behind your dog and it’s got a camera on its ass. You’ve to set up the target on your phone. It would have smell sensors, heat sensors, because obviously it would need to pounce on it. So the dog does a shit, you’re walking along, takes it into a sort of bag. Uh, fuck it would be gross. It would have fingers that sort of self-clean. And then it would fly with you until it was near a bin or a suitable repository. That, I would pay serious, proper money for.

Notes

RH wearing “Me 1 vs Me 2” t-shirt.

RH pitches Dragon’s Den idea of cooking asparagus in soya sauce.

RH says he feels a bit sick about the ham hand questions after talking about it with RL; says he won’t ask it again.

RL and RH were in the same episode of Celebrity Pointless.