Title: Ian Gunpowder

Soundcloud Time: 1:15:19
Youtube Time: 1:15:53

Original Record Date: March 3, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: April 4, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: April 21, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who’d like to say “Very sorry” to Colin Baker.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
As Hercules in Nelly Nut Live! Also best known for playing W. G. Grace in the ads for Channel 4’s short-lived coverage of The Ashes.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Worse
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Twitter: @tackline shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
wearing “What would it take for you to fellate the actor Keith Allen” t-shirt
says he tends not to wear the t-shirt in public
Janine shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting next to David, nuclear physicist
has a tattoo of a mouse with antlers
script editor of the BBC show Casualty
Alex shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting with Janine
thinks Janine’s tattoo is cute
purifies antigens
Rebecca shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting next to Alex
nanny
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting with Rebecca
RH asks him if he’s going to punch him
works for a bank
Unnamed got into argument with RH and GD on the circumstances surrounding Guy Fawkes’s death

Emergency Questions

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

Only my finger gets to travel through time? So I could be going like this to Guy Fawkes. I don’t use talc anyway, so I don’t want a talc-dispensing tit. I saw this awful thing on the Internet when I was supposed to be writing recently that showed Guy Fawkes’s signature when he was caught and then his signature – have you seen this? His signature after he was tortured just before he was killed and the signature’s all, you know, because he was in such awful pain. So after his torture I would be able to reach in and go *twiddles finger*, “Aw. Sorry about them cutting your penis off.” They did do that.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*?

*Other GD is a painter.* No, I don’t. I have been doing some painting in my flat recently though.

What is your worst hotel/travelling experience?

They’ve all been quite reasonable. The worst hotel I’ve ever stayed in Monaco, a gig in Monaco when I was first a stand-up. And we flew over – me and three other terrible comedians flew over to Monaco to play this nightclub gig. I can’t remember who was promoting it, even. And on the way over our EasyJet flight was struck by lightning, and then the weather was so bad in Monaco we had to go to somewhere four hours away, and then someone came and got us and drove us four hours so we were just in time for the start of the gig. And our hotel had flock wallpaper on it so if you ran your fingers down it like this it would come away because it was just so rotten. And there were cockroaches in the bathroom. Then we went to the gig and everyone died on their ass. We went to a different bar afterward and we were standing at a bar, avoiding going back to the cockroach hotel and a woman came over and went, “Hey, are you one of the comedians from over the road?” And I went, “Oh, yeah yeah. I am.” She goes, “I hear you were dog shit.”

Who would you have sex with if you had a time-travelling penis?

I don’t know. I don’t know who in time I’d go back and have sex with. Guy Fawkes. Ian Fawkes. I don’t know, Richard. I’ll give it some thought and write to you which historical character I want to fuck.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

I’m glad you asked me that, Richard, because it will feel like a weight off my chest because I have. I’ve admitted it on stage before actually, I did. I did it when I was about 13 or 14. And I successfully got the tip in. And then I pulled this muscle in my left shoulder doing it, and every single winter, when winter comes along, I pull the same muscle. So I’m 45; once a year I have to go, Oh God, why did you try to suck your own cock? Every winter for the rest of my life. I’m not making it up. I got the tip in though. I have a very vivid memory of getting it in and going, Oh God. Oh, awful, awful, awful ambition. Awful reality.

Notes

RH wearing “Put a Shrek in It” t-shirt.

GD is the tallest guest on the podcast so far.

RH blows a raspberry on GD’s belly, in accordance with the Dirty Britcom Confession.