Title: Fruit Pastille Lolly
Original Record Date: March 10, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: April 18, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: May 4, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who is now saying more words than he has done in the last hour and fifteen minutes.
Guest Best Known
Her work on GCSE Bitesize History. Or possibly you’ll know her from Improvisation My Dear Mark Watson.
Better or Worse than Last Week: Worse
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Carl came in late drinking alcohol sitting in third row favourite Spice Girl is Mel B. Jenny very attractive, according to RH Alex sitting with Jenny Jenny’s boyfriend extremely ugly, according to RH claims to have gotten Jenny “when she was young” works in a jewelry shop Joe earlier in the day, tweeted about fear of being picked on during podcast might have to leave early to catch train lives in Surrey from Cape Town moving to Germany
If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?
I’d rather have a hand made out of ham. Yeah, fuck sun cream. You can’t eat that. I already eat my fingernails and my fingers as well and I sort of consider it to be a pleasurable treat. I’ll go as far as the cuticle. And also, if you have a hand made out of ham, that’s the talking point. Also, how does it dispense it? Like a nipple or a plastic nozzle? Don’t give a shit mate, not going to change my mind. Is the sun cream inside your body or is it in a pouch as part of your body? What is it doing to the rest of my body? How does my body produce it? *RH advises the sun cream is created in a gland.* Okay, I appreciate the science of that. If I were trying to get it out, would I need to manually touch it or would I just have to think and it would squirt out? I have no questions about the ham hand. I’ve just gone, “Great, brilliant.”
Did you go travelling as a teenager?
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
The finger that could travel through time. I don’t even care, that’s so amazing. I’d send it to the future. And I would just bid it farewell. I’d be like, “You bloody go for it.” So it’s like a glory hole? So I can only travel forwards into the future in the exact physical space where I am? Okay, wait. The finger is travelling anywhere; beyond the wormhole is anywhere, physically. But I’m still rooted. Hang on, I can look through? Well, why do I have to put my finger through? I’ll just look through. You know how one of the breasts is talcum powder? Does anyone ever choose that? ‘Cause that’s shit. You wouldn’t be able to feed your baby. Just feed your baby ham. Could you dispense as much talcum powder as you want? So you could just become the world’s supplier of talcum powder? You could go back in time and do something good. You could kill Hitler. You could stab him in the eye; straight into his head. Why would you not? Are you saying that if you had those powers you wouldn’t kill Hitler? What, because you’re too squeamish? He wouldn’t know what was happening. This is what I would do: Waiting until he’s asleep – I feel very giggly today. And I think it’s because you did all this stuff about people talking about having sex with me and it was weird – so Hitler’s asleep, and I would get the wormhole to be right over his face. Then I would put the finger in – just the tip, because I can’t look unless my finger’s in the hole. And then I’ll be, like, straight in his eye.
What is the closest you have ever come to actually dying?
Oh, I was in a really serious car crash but nobody was injured. I can say what happened and you won’t believe that nobody died. It’s insane, right? Me and my friends were driving from a gig in Swansea to a gig in Machynlleth and there were three of us. There was James Acaster, the incredible comedian, who is so upbeat and so silly and so full of joy, and he was driving – shit driver, though, terrible driver; I was in the passenger seat; and Jonny, who’s a really good friend of mine and fantastic musician, was sat in the back there. And just behind us we had all of this shit not tied down. Like there was a guitar literally poking into the back of my head. And then behind us there were boxes of all my fanzines and all our stuff, right? And the car’s really full. We’re in this little Ford car, I think it was, which now whenever I see one I’m like *blows kiss*, “You’re alright, mate. Just keep me safe.” We’re going along this road and it was like a A road, so not very big. And it’s all windy and there’s trees on either side so you can’t really see what’s going on. And we’re stuck behind this lorry full of logs. We were in convoy. There was this car in front of us, which had Henry Widdicombe, who runs the Machynlleth Comedy Festival and he’s an incredible human being, and Carl [unintelligble], who’s a portrait painter. Just putting these details in ’cause I can. And they overtook really easily, but it was a really long lorry, it was, like, cut logs. So fucking tree-length logs, right? And I can’t believe that I was like this to James, but I was like, “We should overtake!” And he’s like, I don’t know. We kept trying – yes, no, yes no. I should say at this point we’d been listening to two things that day: In the hired car, there came a free Mumford and Sons CD and he’d just bought CeeLo Green’s album that has that song *sings Fuck You*. That’s the bit to sing that you’ll remember. We kept trying to overtake and couldn’t. And then eventually it was just so long and flat and I was like, “Let’s just fucking do it.” And we nearly finished overtaking and then out of nowhere there’s a bend in the road, and then out of nowhere three cards come around the bend. And James is like, “Fuck.” Then one hits us, head-on. And then we’re, like, ricocheting between the car and the lorry, right? And then I saw the cab of the lorry just coming around into my view and at that point I just closed my eyes because I just thought, You’re going to be crushed to death. You’re going to die now. And like, bizarrely I’ve had all these dreams where I get shot and I know I’m dying but I know I’m alive still. And I’m like, Well mate, we’re going to die so you might as well lie still. That’s what’s going to happen. So then in my head I was like, Oh, this is like all those dreams you had. You’re going to die, just lie still ’cause that’s what to do. So I was kind of calm and I had my eyes closed and then I was like, This is funny, it’s kind of like being on a roller coaster, because there was all this jolting and noises. And then I remembered that three days previous we’d seen the movie Due Date, which I give 5 stars. That would have been the last film I’d seen, Due Date. So I remember in that they had a car crash and he doesn’t get injured because he’s asleep. So in my head I was like, Dude, just relax. We’re going to die and if we die we need to pretend we’re asleep. […] So I had my eyes closed and I could feel it smashing. I could hear all these sounds – so loud – sounds. We were all silent in the car. And then when I came to we were, um, off the road against a tree and there was a log there *holds hand in front of face*, a log there *holds hand beside head*, and a log there *holds hand further out in front of face*. The car was buckled under, right. And I didn’t know what had happened. And Henry Widdicombe had been driving in the front car. Took ages to come back to us. Because the car crash happened, we ran out of the car and were standing in this field hugging and just weeping. And Henry came really slowly and he just looked haunted when he saw us he was, like, “I was so certain you were dead.” I didn’t want to come back quickly because I didn’t want to see you dead.” Basically what happened was it wasn’t that the lorry spun round, it was that our car spun out, got caught on the front of the lorry, the lorry went up the road with us for a bit, then it swerved, took us off the road up a grass road, crashed through a greenhouse belonging to this old lady, back down, then because it had gone up and around it kind of jack-knifed. It went over our bonnet, peeling it up like a sardine tin, then flipped over, then all the logs came off the lorry, pushed our car off the road into a tree, and then the logs came through our windshield. And nobody was injured at all. Nobody died at all.
RH appears to be recording audience with hand-held camera during chat with audience, but footage not included in published podcast recording.
RH wearing “Me 1 vs Me 2” t-shirt.
RH advises that for the teen travelling emergency question he doesn’t want stories; just a yes-or-no answer.