Title: Helen Mirren Mask

Soundcloud Time: 1:40:27
Youtube Time: 1:43:28

Original Record Date: March 17, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: May 2, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: May 18, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just putting the finishing touches to his Holocaust comedy film.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
As the Sandwich Lady on Danny’s House. Although of course she was a Woman on a Bus in the TV series Legit.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Twitter: @tackline shown on RH’s hand-held camera
wearing “Me 1 vs Me 2” t-shirt
Stewart shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
RH surprised to find that he deserves to be sitting with attractive lady because he is also attractive
RH says his face is “weirdly symmetrical”
financial advisor
didn’t know about Caroline’s verruca
Caroline shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting with Stewart
first attracted to Stewart’s bum
employment related to supplying pacemakers to the NHS
had a verruca
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
“traditional” RH fan
Scottish
lives in London
sitting with wife
Unnamed wife of above
uses water in porridge rather than milk
Butlers one named Olivia
other butler is buttling
Unnamed psychiatrist
David Frew nuclear physicist
Unnamed asks SC whether she’s ever tried to lick her own vagina

Emergency Questions

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

No question. There’s no real decision to be made. Armpit, sun tan lotion. Yeah. No, because then you could just eat your hand. I know I’d eat all of it. […] No, I could make some money out of it. I would just stand in a sunny country and say, “Would anyone like some sun cream? That’s five euros.” *RH gives 1 bottle a year stipulation.* Well, that’s not in your… Where’s the question? Well if you sold it for people’s faces. You don’t need to sell it for everyone’s body. [I’ll charge] £50. I’ll say it’s Clarins. I’ll tell you what, I’d sell of for £100 to each of those three people that fantasize about me. I’d make £300. I’d just give them mayonnaise.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

Oh, this is unlimited talcum powder? Unlike the sun cream, which was weirdly restricted. It’s almost like you’re making this up, Richard. I’m just waiting to know if I’ve heard all the rules. Are you sure? So when I make my decision you’re not going to come and go, “Oh, actually what I meant was, the finger, blah, blah, blah…” I don’t like talcum powder. I don’t like talcum powder, I find talcum powder weird and offensive. It reminds me of having a verruca sock at school. And I used to have quite a lot of verrucas. I’m not dirty. I was 11, around that age. I once had such a big verruca on my big toe that I had to go to hospital for it. And they put some special stuff on it and when they took it off half my toe was missing. I’m alright now. Yeah, the toe grew back, the verruca didn’t. So talcum powder reminds me of verruca salts, which reminds me of swimming at school, which I hated because it was stupid. And so I’ll have to take the finger that can travel backwards and forwards through time. I would go back in time and poke Helen Mirren. You can’t poke Helen Mirren, I have tried. She has got quite a lot of security. I love Helen Mirren.

Where do you get your crazy ideas from?

It’s like an interview at the fringe for the student newspaper.

Ben Evans: Archie Vandervlett: Are you excited to know there is going to be a better Godzilla film than the one you were in?

I am very excited.

If you were going to go on Dragon’s Den, what would you pitch on Dragon’s Den?

It’s a hard question, because to be honest I don’t have that amount of time in my head to think of things like that. No, I’m thinking of other important things, like Helen Mirren. I’m never going to be an inventor. Not going to be a fucking inventor. No, if it’s there, it’s there; if it’s good it’s not. Just throw it out; I don’t care.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes. Yes. My granny had passed away and I was lying in my bedroom after her funeral. And I was with Muppet, my son – who is my cat – before anyone thinks I left my child at home. I was in bed, with Muppet, and I was stroking his head and we both looked up at the same time and I saw my granny walking past the bedroom door. Genuinely. We both looked up at the same time. No, I’m not saying I can testify that the cat actually saw the ghost. But we both looked up at the same time and I saw the ghost. And the cat, I am surmising, saw the ghost. So yes, I’ve seen a ghost. Also, and this is true, I’m named after my granny, Grace, but when I was making the decision to give up my job as a comedian I went to her grave and I said, “Gran, should I do this or not? And I went and I said, “Give me a sign, any sign you want, whether it’s a good idea.” Went home, and one of the ornaments she’d left me when she died was lying on the floor, smashed. Which some would take as a no; I took it as a yes. Yeah, yeah, I totally believe in that. I don’t believe in spiritualism – I think that’s all a crock of shit, but I believe in ghosts and stuff.

Ben Evans: Jonathan Wright: Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?

Badger. They are equipped for self-defense purposes. They’re quite vicious, badgers. And they have lovely fat bottoms.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

No.

How did the death of Thomas Beckett affect the Anglo-Papal relations in the 12th-century?

I think it was much like, in my head, the way I felt when Take That split up. A lot of disappointment.

When you eat asparagus, does your wee then smell of asparagus?

I never eat asparagus. ‘Cause your wee smells funny. *RH makes crack about the Scottish not eating vegetables.* Why did you do that, Richard? Do you know what was happening was we were having a good conversation, there had been very few, kind of, racist undertones, and then you made the typical vegetable/Scottish blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…

When your wife eats asparagus, does her wee smell of asparagus afterwards? And if you didn’t know, would she let you smell her wee to find out?

Yes and she makes me smell it.

Have you ever put anything up your urethra?

No. Why would you put something up your urethra? You put it inside other orifices but not your urethra. That’s a tiny hole, what pleasure would anyone get from putting it up your urethra? Jesus, no. What kind of fucking madman are you?

What have you tried for the first time this year/recently?

Not this year but just last year I went pony trekking in Iceland with Phil Tufnell.

Notes

RH wearing “Put a Shrek in It” t-shirt.

RH dismayed he forgot to give Harry Shearer a “Me 1 vs. Me 2” cup.

SC is the shortest guest on the podcast so far.

Twice SC requests another Heineken due to stress.

The Godzilla question was intended for Harry Shearer.

This is the third time that RH has interviewed SC.

SC asks RH: If there were a celebrity you wanted to die next to who would it be? RH writes down the question and his answer is Barry Cryer.

SC asks RH: What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die? RH chooses Goldie from Blue Peter.

RH dedicates the episode to all of the victims/survivors of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370.