Title: Przepraszam

Soundcloud Time: 1:26:37
Youtube Time: 1:27:19

Original Record Date: March 24, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: May 16, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: June 3, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Trying out his new Frank Sidebottom tribute act.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
From appearing in an Ikea advert in Poland. But he is also Ringer in The Day They Came to Suck Out Our Brains.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Butlers RH gave them the RH face mask
Helen shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
were not present for previous recording because they were late
accountant
jet-lagged because just returned from Mauritius
Unnamed sitting with Helen
accountant
has been dating Helen for 12 years
Unnamed fell asleep during recording
shown on RH’s hand-held camera
woman sitting with him tried to cover his face from being shown on camera

Emergency Questions

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

What quality ham? Because sometimes you get a lot of gristle and you get the white bits that are through it. *RH advises that it would be 3rd-best quality ham.* From the very best ham though? It wouldn’t be like your Parma. ‘Cause I’d have a palm of ham. That’s what I’m calling my next show: Palm of Ham. Nick Helm’s got a palm of ham. Who wants a nibble? That would be my catchphrase. Fucking good, Rich. It’s writing itself. Okay, so it’s the 3rd-best, but out of a category of 1- or 5? All the hams. I’m never going to go anywhere hot, so it would be the hand of ham. Hang on, that’s not good enough. It would be sun cream. *Audience cheers.* Yeah, it would be the sun cream.

Who would you have sex with if you had a time-travelling penis?

Anywhere about 1,000 years ago. Because people have grown, haven’t they, over the years? So they’ll have been smaller back then. So proportionally it’s impressive, isn’t it? “Put the pyramid down; look at that.” Anywhere where hands, vaginas, and men’s bum holes were smaller.

Did you go travelling as a teenager?

Is this the emergency question? But the other one was, “It you could put your dick anywhere in time” and then “If you had an armpit with sun cream” and this is “Did you go travelling when you were younger”? I mean, it’s tailing off, isn’t it, in quality?

Have you ever put anything up your urethra?

So, I didn’t have a passport until I was 25…

What is it like being *guest*?

You know, it’s alright. It’s annoying being Nick Helm. There’s always some cunt that comes along and wants you to fucking talk about Stephen Fry and his tough year. What’s it like being Nick Helm? It’s no different from how it’s sort of always been, which is, you know, I get very depressed. I get very panicky. Feeling like I’m out of my depth all the time and I just have a horrific need to be liked by people. And through trial and error I’ve found that the best way to do that is to call people cunts every once in a while. And I went back to St. Albans and there’s a big group of us out. We were all drinking together and I said, you know, who wants a drink? And there was two girls who I’m friends with and they said, “No, we’re alright.” Then there was one girl that I’d never really known, let’s say, she’s like the ex-girlfriend of a friend, and she asked for a glass of Prosecco. And I’m like, in what world is that acceptable? DO you know what I mean? But it was like, checkmate, motherfucker. And it was like, fine. So I got her a glass of Prosecco. And then somebody said something at the table and someone’s brother came over and we were all chatting. And I laughed because we were all round the table, and the guy looked at me and said, “Nobody cares that you’re famous.” And I was like, but I laughed; you know what I mean? I wouldn’t describe myself as that and I’m not.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Yeah, of course I have. Because you’ve asked me this before. Yeah. And it was a really good response. I’m so tempted to say it again. *RH asks again.* Of course I have. *RH asks how he got on.* Well I’m here, aren’t I? Obviously not as good as I remembered it. I mean, that is a 5-alarm fire, that one.

Notes

RH came out wearing a mask of his own face that a fan had sent to him.

RH wearing “Me 1 vs Me 2” t-shirt.

RH twirls his finger in NH’s belly button, in accordance with the Dirty Britcom Confession.

RH kisses and licks NH’s belly, in accordance with the Dirty Britcom Confession.