Title: T R Assmagik

Soundcloud Time: 1:22:58
Youtube Time: 1:23:35

Original Record Date: September 29, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 15, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: November 1, 2014

Please Welcome a Man
Who is happy to send a picture of his erect penis to every single viewer and listener to this podcast. Just tweet me and ask for it and I will send it to you.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
He played Jeremy in Sex Lives of the Potato Men. He is also best known as the voice of Greg Evigan from This Morning With Richard Not Judy.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Steve shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
long hair
first time attending a recording
long-time listener
works at Tesco in Brighton
struggling musician
plays bass
Holly shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting with Steve
describes self as Steve’s significant other
student nurse
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
wearing colourful socks
Terry shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting next to woman above
RH suggests that he is a composite drawing of average RHLSTP audience member
unemployed and in a band
plays drums
David Frew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
nuclear physicist
can’t sing

Emergency Questions

Do you think that there’s a true conspiracy theory?

Well as you said “last week,” there’s a conspiracy about when these are broadcasted. I mean people who have that much power and influence, then of course they can make people “disappear”. But I think that the big ones,the Princess Diana one, no one ever asked the question, why would anyone bother? I mean, it’s not 1890 or something. The idea that she might marry… I mean, it’s ridiculous. I just think it’s stupid, really.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

How handsome is the tall – the big man? The penis man is out of the question. I’ll go for [the man with the tiny man]. Does he talk, the little man? He could easily suffocate though. You haven’t thought this through, Dr. Moreau. Your mad Frankenstein-like ideas and look what’s happened, this guy’s suffocated now. On some sweaty bollocks. What a way to go.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

*Points across the room.* Everywhere. They’re everywhere. No, I haven’t. I’d love to. I did have a vaguely supernatural experience once. I spent most of the time just thinking, This can’t happen to me because I want it to. But I didn’t see anything. It’s like Dave Allen. “I’ll tell the story…” I was living in a squat in Leeds and a friend of mine had an attic room in a 4-story Victorian house. He went away for the summer holidays and he let me stay there for three months, which I was very grateful for at the time. And it was odd – I was on my own, which wasn’t very nice, but in this room. A few odd things started happening. There was the very strange smell of pipe tobacco which would come and go. A very odd atmosphere as if… I’d come back and sort of open the door and it was like the room had just had loads of people in it and they’d all jumped out a window. Very odd and I just thought it was preying on my mind. And then one night, in the middle of the summer, it was so hot I was asleep on top of the bed and I woke up and all the lights were on and it was so cold I could see my breath. And I ran my friend Roger the next day; he obviously picked something up and he said, “Are you okay?” I said, “Yeah, I didn’t sleep very well.” He said, “Have you seen it yet?” I said, “What do you mean?” and he said, “Oh, I think the room’s haunted.” I said, “Yes, I think I might be as well.” So it was odd. And eventually, months after I left Leeds, this bloke came ’round to his house for dinner, who was very pretty – I remember that, his name was Christian. But he was popularly supposed to have some sort of second sight, as they used to call it. He hadn’t been told anything about this and he went wandering around the house and he went right up the top and he came back downstairs and asked Roger if there was anything odd about the place. And he was quite non-committal because he didn’t want to give him any clues. And this guy said, “There was something waiting on the threshold of your room. And they’re still there.”

If in the event of a zombie apocalypse, what tactics would you employ?

It’d be depressing. I think you’d have trouble getting up in the morning, wouldn’t you? Triffids and things, I could cope with that. There’s something quite adventurous about that but I guess it would definitely – all the people who would get off on it, and I think there are such people, who probably do wish there’d be a zombie apocalypse because it would make them feel important, but after about 40 hours you’d be sick to death of it. They’d be sick of the blood and the fact that no one’s putting the bins out, which is the great leveler. Scottish referendum, zombie apocalypse, very similar.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Why do you think I’ve got a bad back?

Do you have conceptual art ideas?

I’ll think of something. I mean it sounds terribly sort of fusty and middle-aged, ’cause it is, but I actually don’t understand the difference between that *referring to RH’s shoe concept art* and most conceptual art. I was at a thing recently, a drawing prize, and the winner was a sound installation. I seemed to be the only person in the room who thought it was fucking ridiculous. No, I like that. It’s not art, it’s a thing.


RH has a terrible cold.

MG has a cold and a bad back.

Audience responds poorly to new emergency questions; cheers when the sucking cock question is asked.

RH describes Me 1 vs. Me 2 as conceptual art.

Something dripping on MG during recording.