Title: Two Men in a Field with Walkie Talkies and it’s All Clear

Soundcloud Time: 1:05:19
Youtube Time: 1:04:24

Original Record Date: October 6, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 29, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: November 3, 2014

Please Welcome a Man
Who isn’t even the go-to guy when they’re looking for someone with his face.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
For his appearance in Spics and Specs.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH helped RH remember that an ostrich puts its head in the ground rather than a stork
Teo shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
business analyst
RH correctly guessed that he works in computers
got lost in Putney and had to spend an evening at a hotel
likes having nipples teased
Nikka shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting with Teo
works in construction but is not a builder
would be willing to tease Teo’s nipples

Emergency Questions

Do you ever get mistaken for a different celebrity?

Only Josh. I’ve been mistaken for Josh Widdicombe before. At comedy clubs. They’ll see me do a gig and they go, aw that comedian – I’ve seen him before. They’ll come up to me afterwards and it always takes me a while to realize they’ve mistaken me. So like, I’ll be loving the compliments. “Yo mate, you’re brilliant, I’ve seen you loads now. You’ve been great on all your TV stuff.” And then they’ll go, “I really love The Last Leg.” Oh… it’s not… It’s not me. So yeah, sometimes but it’s only ever Josh because they’ve seen me do stand up. On Mock the Week, actually, my nephew, my two year-old nephew, watched it with his dad, and apparently as soon as he saw me he was like, “Uncle James.” But then for the whole episode confused me with Josh and would get very confused for the whole thing.

Were you ever rude to a celebrity when you were young?

I was never rude to any of them. I waited outside a curry house in Kettering for an hour to get Barney from Napalm Death’s autograph. There you go, that got a bit of a cheer. Very nice man, very polite man. Very polite. And I met Jet from Gladiators and she was very cool. But you don’t want to be rude to Jet from Gladiators. But now she’s the head psychologist on Big Brother. Did you know that? Yeah. She’s still called Jet; she just scissors everyone.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

Is he circumcised? *RH advises he’s not.* Where are his eyes? Because if the human face is on the foreskin, then if you peel it back his face is gone. It’s underneath the foreskin? Well then he has to peel it down all the time and when it goes up he can’t see. He can’t always keep it peeled down. He can’t always. Constantly readjusting his foreskin, always? Constantly pulling his foreskin back when you’re talking to him so he can see. So he’s got to always be aroused? What if he’s sleepy? I guess when he is sleepy it’s okay because he can just have a little sleep; pull it up and have a sleep inside the foreskin. *RH describes date with man penis.* Are his feet the bit that stick out? Nobody’s going to want anything to do with that. We’ve almost found a sub-question: Would you rather have him attached by the feet or attached by the head? But if he’s attached by the head, if he gets strong enough he could walk around with him on his head sometimes. So it’s his turn to walk around and he could be walking around with a guy on his head. He goes, “He’s attached to me, actually.” Just have it like that. I don’t know why it has to be like he’s delighted to be attached at the feet and have his head sticking out all day, not ever being in charge. You’re helpless, aren’t you? I think I would definitely prefer the tiny man for a dick because if you’re going on a date with them and stuff you have more people you can maybe hit it off with. If you don’t get on with the big guy you might get on with the little guy and think he’s pretty cool. And then you continue to see him on dates whereas the man who’s a penis and pulls his foreskin down a lot, it’s down to him having an amazing personality otherwise it’s going to be a horrible evening. Oh also, the man with the little man penis, is he facing down or is he facing up? Can he make eye contact or not? Just look over his shoulder all the time? Also, when he gets erect, what happens? Does the little man fill with blood? Does the little man get all filled with blood and hard? Does the tiny man have a tiny cock? Yeah well, that sounds horrible. Nothing in that that I like. It would be very scary. I would think that going on a date with either of those people there’s a catch. I think this is too good to be true. It can’t just be that he’s got a little man cock. There’s got to be something else going on here. Then I find out later that it’s infinite men cocks and think Yeah, of course it is. Of course. How do you even satisfy him? I’m a considerate lover.

Where do you get your crazy ideas from?

That’s not the real question. No, I’ve never been asked that. Well, it doesn’t usually follow the man cock question usually.

Do you think that there’s a true conspiracy theory?

Have you seen the Meat Free Mondays video? Paul McCartney. You should watch that. I watched it today; it’s amazing. It’s him telling people to get involved with Meat Free Mondays but he starts singing a song during it and putting on a very dodgy accent. Yeah, like a Jamaican accent. And the video ends with him saying, “You can do it right now please,” and it’s really weird. It’s Paul McCartney doing that. I don’t believe in any conspiracy theories, really. I spent a weekend with some conspiracy theorists recently. For a thing. And that was… pretty full-on. They were always filming me on their mobile phones because they believe in documenting everything in case; you know, because people don’t act up when you’re doing that. And they were protesting fracking as well. They were in a camp by the side of the road next to a fracking sight and there was a point where loads of police came down. All the anti-frackers came out with their phones filming the police and right in their faces going, “What you doing here, officer?” Filming their taser and all this: “This is what they’re doing.” And then I asked one of the anti-fracking protesters, “Why are they here then, the police?” He said, “Oh, some news went by with cameras filming us, so one of us phoned the police.” “Yeah but, so why are you asking them why they’re here?” “It’s like, but what they doing here?” “You phoned ’em.” “Why have they got a taser?” “You said there was threatening behaviour. They’ve come down to protect you and you pranked them. There’s no way they’re going to help you out now.” So yeah, when you come up against that sort of thing you kind of go, well, maybe I’m not going to be a conspiracy theorist. But I totally got it. Like, I was hanging out with them and aw yeah, they’re loving this. Like, they weren’t all conspiracy theorists but those that were really enjoyed – like there was one guy who was telling one of the young lads, like, “Go to the end of that field, take a walkie talkie, and tell me if you see anything weird.” And I was like, that’s great fun. He enjoyed it. You could tell they were like, you know, “Yeah, I’ll go there and I’ll radio you.” You know, if me and you went into a field tomorrow and I said, “Rich, I generally believe, you know, the police are watching us all the time. You go over there and you do that. And we had that adrenaline going through us all day long, we’d be loving it. The moment we realize we’re just two grown men in a field running around with some walkie talkies going, “All clear here, James.”

How sensitive are your nipples?

Uh, not very. No. Disappointingly. I had a girlfriend trying to tease my nipples and it felt like such a let-down. I was like, there’s nothing.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Um, yeah, I think as a teenager, yeah. I did, once. And it was really horrible; it hurt my back. I gave up very quickly, I remember. It wasn’t like a thing where I was like, I’m in this for the long haul. I’m gonna do this by hook or by crook. I know if went down and thought, That’s not happening, and stopped; never tried again. That question’s embarrassing but it’s worse listening to you like it’s a serious thing. Like when they all sit there going, “Well okay, that’s something about you, is it mate?”

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. No, I’ve never seen a ghost.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

I’ve never seen a bigfoot either, no. So sorry, Richard.

What is the worst place you’ve been sick?

I was sick on the tube on New Year’s Eve five times on the way home. I was very, very drunk. I was drinking Spicy Dr. Peppers all night, which was just spiced rum and Dr. Pepper. And just drinking them all night and then I went to a different party for midnight and they said, “What are you drinking?” I said, “Spicy Dr. Peppers!” And I told them what it was and they went, “Well, we haven’t got any Dr. Pepper but we’ll make you something similar. They made me a link drink; I didn’t have a clue what it was. Drank that and instantly felt like I needed to go home. I was living with my girlfriend at the time and it was our first Christmas together and New Year’s together and she had to go home with me as I was sick. Only in the tunnels, not in the actual carriages, but I’d get off – I’d have to get off a lot, be sick, and it was awful. Really, really bad.

Notes

RH says Michael Palin is dream guest.