Title: Kamikaze Sperm

Soundcloud Time: 1:24:47
Youtube Time: 1:26:31

Original Record Date: October 13, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 12, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: November 12, 2014

Please Welcome a Man
It’s been over a week since he did that half marathon, yet he’s still stiff! I don’t understand what’s happening!

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
As playing the General Public in Hallo Panda.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
has a beard
Anthony sitting in second row
wearing a shirt with dinosaurs on it
freelance sound engineer
finds the RHLSTP sound to be a bit off
Andrew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting with Anthony
dating Anthony
car mechanic
Jack shown on RH’s hand-held camera
sitting with Anthony and Andrew
works in a shop called Your Store
charging something in his lap
Unnamed had seen Best Man’s Speech
had not really enjoyed

Emergency Questions

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

So I have to be seen in public with this thing? I have dated a 6-foot penis – 6’7″, in fact. Richard, what are the downsides to this scenario? Can that little man talk? Yeah, that guy; with the tiny man. Okay, Richard, seriously what am I supposed to do with that guy [referring to 6-foot penis]? Okay, if there were three choices and one of them was the Elephant Man, I would have chosen the Elephant Man. What are you supposed to do with a 6-foot penis man? Talk to him. And what kind of life has he had? What shared experiences do we have? He would know already having lived his entire life. I presume he’s around the same age as me, like, in his mid-30’s, and so he knows he’s a giant penis. As we’ve walked to the restaurant people have shouted from the other side of the street and out of cars, “Oy! You’re a dick! Literally, mate, like an actual RAAAAGHHHHH!” Like that. And he has to pretend, he puts his collar up on his coat and goes, “So where did you go to school?” “Oh yeah, did you have a nice time at school?” “No, everyone kept making fun of the fact that I was a small penis but in a school uniform.” He’s going to have had a terrible life and also do I want to have children with somebody – let’s face it, that’s why we’re having dates in the first place – I’m 33 years old. Where is this going? And are your genes going to mean that I’m going to have a baby penis come out of me? And then I have to have pictures taken with it and introduce it to my family at Christmas. No, it’s going to have the same miserable life as you. No, thank you. Oh, you’ve just got a little man on you? Let’s have a chat.

Were you ever rude to a celebrity when you were young?

I think meeting celebrities is very odd. Maybe you’re more used to it because your body reacts in a way as in this person is familiar to you already, I know this person. And you don’t. I worked on stage door at Wimbledon Theatre once for about four months and I never got used to the fact that celebrities came in. David Tennant came in to visit; Richard Griffiths, for instance. Martin Clunes came in once. And you react; you want to say hello, and you can’t. So instead you go bright red and they know why you’re going red. And you go, “Oh sorry, I’ll just call for him now. What’s your name?” Like, knowing that you both know exactly who they are. And people are so nice but it must be very difficult for people. Because of how my mum and dad met, actually… So my dad was in a pop band and my mum used to stalk him, and she used to sleep outside of his house and she eventually waited until he wasn’t in that band anymore and she got with him. She waited out all of the fans. And so I thought that was how you got a boyfriend. So I picked Robbie Williams as my person and so when he left Take That he came to London and me and Cheryl, my sister, ran away to meet him and we slept outside the Big Breakfast in Stratford where he was guest presenting to meet him. And, this is an interesting aside, but when i was 19 I accepted a job working for his dad. His dad’s a singer and I thought, If I work with him I’m definitely going to meet Robbie Williams. And my obsession in my brain was always that I would bring him back down to earth because I could really see his insecurity and that he doesn’t want to be shouted at all the time that people love him. He just wants to be made beans on toast and understood. And so I was really sure that I’d be that person, that I’d be so blasé with it. So I worked with his dad, this is in 2001, and last week – it’s on tonight but by the time your podcast will already be on. I did Nevermind the Buzzcocks and it got to the line-up round and they went, “Sara, go stand in the line-up.” And I was like, “Why?” And they made me put on a t-shirt saying “I am Sara Pascoe” with all these other blonde girls, and then they brought out Robbie Williams’s dad. And he sat in my chair and had to try and remember which one I was. With a whole introduction of, “She worked with you to try and meet your son. Did you know? And he was like, “I had no idea.”

I’m not going to ask you the full question but, as a vegan, if someone had given you a magic choice between having a breast, nipple, that produced talcum powder, or a hand made out of ham, and you’d opted for the hand made out of ham, would you eat your own ham hand? Or would you feel that would make you a bad vegan?

So it looks like ham or is actually from a pig? No, I’ve grown it. SO would I eat some of myself? I think I would have an operation to make me look normal again. It will probably cost three grand just to cut around it, make it fingers again. So I’m going to constantly nibble around it? Obviously there wouldn’t be a vegan problem because I’m free range and I’ve had a happy life and I would know how I’ve been farmed, so it wouldn’t be a moralistic thing. I do think I wouldn’t eat my own flesh. Just as a thing. I know, I’m weird.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I’ve never seen a ghost. I really wanted to see one. I read a book when I was about 12, which was about how all of these levels of existence are going at the same time and a ghost is someone’s who’s living on their level in their dimension. So they’re just walking across a field but you see them walking across the room. *RH asks why they’re making ghostly sounds.* Because it was a wobbly field. I really, really want to. I think we all create a narrative, a construct of how the world should exist. And for some people that’s aliens and ghosts and it’s a really fun world to inhabit and in other people it’s God and it’s saints and it’s exciting and it’s fun. But I’ve never seen a ghost, no. I’ve seen loads of spiders. And if I was a ghost that’s exactly what I would look like. That would scare you so much more.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

No. I did go out with a guy who was 6’7″. He had big feet.

Notes

RH mentions that George the sound guy received a good rating on Netflix because someone liked the RHLSTP sound engineering.

George isn’t responsible for the live sound.

RH tells story of meeting Catherine Wilkins for the first time.

RH expresses regret at not getting each guest to sign their research page of the Slytherin notebook.

John Robins and Catherine Wilkins are both in the audience.

RH says that there should be gender parity on Would I Lie To You because women are fucking liars.