Title: Celebrity Juice

Soundcloud Time: 1:12:35
Youtube Time: 1:12:48

Original Record Date: October 27, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 3, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: December 3, 2014

Please Welcome a Man
Who has a new notebook.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
For his appearance on Sunday Side Up.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Worse
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
David Frew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
nuclear physicist
wearing an “I heart NY” t-shirt
has recently been to New York
James shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
had not been to New York
Alex shown on RH’s hand-held camera
has been “babysitting” for his own baby
Unnamed sitting with Alex
pregnant with her and Alex’s child

Emergency Questions

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

When you say you’ve got to go gay, I don’t think that would be the main thing people would say. People wouldn’t go, “I’m sorry, are you a homosexual?” Has he got balls? So he’s got a hard sole, like a shoe? So he doesn’t even stand up? Okay, yeah. I mean, the other one’s going to have to be pretty bad. Of course. I’d go out with [the tiny man penis guy] instead of a woman. Three of you hanging out? Does the tiny man erect? Yes, but of course you’d go for that, because to be honest if someone said to me, “Do you want your penis replaced with a tiny man?” I’d at least think about it. A) Company, if your phone dies on a train journey. Get out the old chap, quite literally. B) There’s a kind of… yeah… *RH asks if JW had the man penis, would he use him as a penis.* Do I get the feelings that you would get from a penis through that guy? Of course I would. But, say I was masturbating, I’d put a little blindfold on him. Because I couldn’t have him look me in the eye at the same time. I couldn’t have him looking at me saying, “Come on, mate!” Would you dress him? ‘Cause a condom would kill him. Does he ejaculate through his mouth? I mean, the whole thing’s not very pleasant for him. I mean, I imagine the problem would be if this happened to me I’d be, like – I’ve seen the films – I’d be captured by American military and used for tests, wouldn’t I? Is he a version of me or is he a different guy? Who is it? I’d definitely have sex with the man with the tiny man.

What is the worst place you’ve been sick?

I’ve got a problem, I always throw up. Aisling Bea thinks that I have a hiatus hernia? I throw up quite a lot so I’ve been sick in some terrible places. Oh God, it’s difficult to narrow it down. Oh, I was once driving on the M3 in a hired car at 70 miles an hour and I needed to be sick and I had to throw up in a SatNav bag that I then had to empty at Fleet Services. It was also a hired SatNav bag, but luckily I’d got zero excess so they couldn’t touch me. And then I had a shit in the boot. Zero excess, what you going to do about it?

Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?

No. Is this entrapment? There’s various places I’d blow up. If you were to bomb a plane how would you do it. Aw, that’s a good question. […] Um, in conclusion, no.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

Yeah. No, no I haven’t.

Where do you get your crazy ideas from?

Um, almost exclusively from my wild mind. I don’t know. It’s difficult to come up with a joke answer to a joke question.

Do you have conceptual art ideas?

I mean, this is essentially Dragon’s Den.

If you were going to go on Dragon’s Den, what would you pitch on Dragon’s Den?

So, it’s a pill that you take every day and it stops you hair growth exactly that length. And then when you want to re-grow you just stop taking the pill. So you know when you hair reaches the perfect level, you start taking that pill and then you don’t have to shave. It’s a good idea. No, I’ve not invented it, no. I didn’t realize I had to have a prototype. […] I’m the ideas man, I’m not the boffin.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No. I haven’t, have you? I don’t believe in ghosts but I’m very scared of the dark.

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

The second one, of course. It’s a bonus and the first one’s a negative, isn’t it? I’m a vegetarian. Does my hand re-grow? It would be an absurd question if it didn’t re-grow. *RH mimics sucking on his hand and jerking off JW.* I’ll tell you what, when you’re thinking, I’m worried people aren’t going to pay for the visual content, they are after that. *RH advises that there’s a limit to the sun cream and that JW can’t sell it.* No, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not in this for profit. That would be very useful. But am I going to set it off by mistake every time I put my arm next to my body? The thing is it’s going to ruin my career as a bagpiper.

Ben Evans: Jonathan Wright: Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?

God, that’s tough, isn’t it? Cow… I think Evan Davis asked this of Russell Brand on Newsnight. I’d go cow. I don’t really know what’s going on beneath the ground with badgers. What are they up to? I need the details before I make my decision. I’d go cow. I heard they like [being milked], at least that’s what I was told. They’re quite into being milked because if they don’t get milked then they… I mean, I’m ill-informed on the topic both ways.


Lannister notebook has been introduced but is not yet being used.

JW won Celebrity Mastermind with 24 points.

RH got 35 points on Celebrity Mastermind and did not win.

JW won a Pointless Celebrities trophy.

RH got kicked out of Pointless Celebrities in the first round with Rhona Cameron.

When RH reads the Dirty Britcom Confession about Josh Widdicombe being breastfed and jacked off simultaneously, RH likens it to a human centipede.

Bruce Willis filmography spoiler.

RH tells story about walking passed Martin Freeman twice.