Title: Pogo Stick Assassin

Soundcloud Time: 1:14:15
Youtube Time: 1:14:38

Original Record Date: November 3, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 10, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: December 10, 2014

Please Welcome a Man
Who is the pick ‘n’ mix Robin Hood.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
For his appearance in episode 5 of Nevermind the Fullstops. Not Nevermind the Buzzcocks, Nevermind the Fullstops – the grammar-based quiz show hosted by Julian Fellowes, who went on to write Downton Abbey.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Like

Member Member Note

Emergency Questions

Do you have conceptual art ideas?

*RH describes his idea of keeping all shoes.* I want to do something similar but with pogo sticks. I’ve used one, but starting that work of art would encourage me to bounce more than I have previously. But in many ways it would be both an expression of hope but also of failure. You know, what greater work of art could there possibly be? Maybe you could incorporate the pogo stick into one of your hypothetical terrorist atrocities. I mean, a pogo stick is generally seen as a symbol of peace.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

*RH describes 6-foot penis.* That’s Normal Tebbit, isn’t it? If we were dating I would definitely go for the man with the human penis rather than the human penis man. Because, you, know, it’s dating, isn’t it? You don’t even know if it’s going to reach the sexual level. You know, so I’m just going out for a nice meal. You can probably ignore the fact that the man – you probably wouldn’t even know – how would I know? I mean, has he said on this dating profile, “My penis is a small man”? That’s something to talk about. He’d probably console me about my ongoing grief about my late wife *who would have had to die to put AZ back on the dating scene*. Is this an online dating thing or not? Because if someone has put on an online profile a picture who is a 6-foot penis that doesn’t look anything like a 6-foot penis, then I think you’d probably have some legal right of complaint, wouldn’t you? Well, I think if you did hook up with someone on a dating website who did turn out to be a 6-foot penis then probably you’d realize that the reason they were dating was just for some company company rather than… I don’t think they’re actually looking for sexual relationships. but anyway, that would be fine as well. You’ve got to be open-minded about these things especially when you’ve been unexpectedly widowed.

What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?

I think David Attenborough. I mean, he’s basically made an entire career out of zebra snuff movies and insect porn. Death would hold no fears for Attenborough. He’s basically immortal as well, isn’t he? Well he’s looked 90 for the last 40 years. He’s the nation’s unofficial granddad.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

No, I have not.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

I’ve not seen one. I ate one though. Yeah, I was at the Fat Duck and one of the courses was Salmon with Ghost. Only Blumenthal could carry that off.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

A bigfoot? Ah, no? I mean I grew up in Tunbridge Wells. During the mid-80’s there was a brief infestation on the common of yeti-like creatures but it was during […] so I didn’t get out to see it. Turned out later they were just escaped Tories from conservative […]

Have you ever seen a goat?

No, I’ve seen them in museums. That’s the best place to see them, I believe.

Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?

I hijacked H.M.S. Belfast and joy-road it down the Thames, around the British Isles, and back by the following morning. Absolutely incredibly speed. Other than that, it’s hard to think of any that spring to mind. I assassinated Jane Austen, but that was in a previous life so I think I’m in the clear.

How sensitive are your nipples?

Like, how they deal with abuse? Well I mean, how do I scale this? This is comparative, isn’t it? Pi. They’re perfectly circular as well, which is the great irony in that.

What is the worst place you’ve been sick?

I was sick in Locksbottom once. Yep. I mean, there’s not a lot to write home about from Locksbottom other than, “Dear Mum, please send new shirt. I’ve been sick all over it.” And the Queen’s bedroom.


RH had previously interviewed AZ’s sister Helen Zaltzman.

AZ does impression of Marvin Gaye.

When asked for advice on raising a child, AZ responded, “Feed it once a week, minimum. Generally try and hold it upright rather than by its feet. And other than that, they’re much more resilient than the newspapers would have you believe. I’ve managed to keep two babies alive. I’m two for two. And I am one of the most naturally incompetent people I have ever met. If I can keep my children alive I have a lot of hope for you, Richard. But also I think one of the great joys of parenthood is we confronted by our own failures on an almost daily basis. So be prepared for that.”

RH decided against writing down the question about having ever seen a goat.

In this version of the nipple sensitivity question AZ was asked to related to a 1-10 scale.

Although RH says that audience members are like Wikipedia today, also states that generally they have not been lately.