Title: Desert Island Dicks
Original Record Date: November 10, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 17, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: December 17, 2014
Please Welcome a Man
Who’s part of the 200 club on Pointless – why didn’t I say Joe Daltry‽
Guest Best Known
As Heat magazine’s Weird Crush of the Year, 2011.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note N/A N/A
If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?
Would you have control over it? Then that’s not even a question. How is that a question? That’s plain, you would have the free sun cream. Yeah. Take a vote in the audience; see who would go for what. *Louder cheer for ham hand.* Oh, fuck off. How much ham do you need? I think sun cream’s more expensive than ham. Although can I say, quite a culturally insensitive question. *RH says it grows on you so it doesn’t fully qualify as ham.* Oh, so you’re saying that the Jews and Muslims would eat human flesh? Honestly, I think they have a prohibition against that as well. I’m no theologian.
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
So, a man who is a 6-foot penis or a man who has a tiny man instead of a penis. I always like that joke, when people ask about cock size, which they often do, especially late in the evenings, about the very tall guy who is about to take a girl home. And he says, “Look, before I take you home I need to tell you something. I’ve got a cock the size of a six year-old. She says, “What, like that?” *Holds fingers an inch apart.* “No, like that.” *Holds hand a few feet off the ground.* Right, I’m going to go with the guy who has the man as the penis just because it would be less embarrassing to be in a restaurant with him. Do you know what I mean? You can go to a nice restaurant, people go, “Oh, they seem nice,” because nobody knows he’s got a tiny man as a penis. You know, whereas if you’re with a 6-foot penis people are going, “Ah, that was fucking weird when Richard from Pointless came in with that guy who was a 6-foot penis, wasn’t it?” So I think, yeah again, that’s quite an easy one.
Ben Evans: What was up with Prize Island?
That, Ben, is a terrific question. Well that’s one of those things. I say it’s difficult working in telly but it’s really easy. Sometimes things happen in telly. So that was actually my idea, I think, Prize Island. And I just had the though of doing a game show where you don’t win a prize; the game itself is to find the prize. It came from that Michael MacIntyre joke which I’ve always liked. He said, “Why do they have a medal ceremony at the 100 metres, why don’t they hold the gold medal at the end of the track and whoever gets it, wins it?” So I thought we’ll do a show based on that and do it on a kind of tropical island. As soon as you do that you think, Well, what’s the worst that could happen here is we’ll get to go to a tropical island for a few months. And I only went out for a week. It was an island off of Mozambique and it was absolutely lovely. It really was. But the show itself – I mean, if you want to know the truth, Ben, and you’re 12, you should know the truth – it didn’t have enough money. So it didn’t look good enough. And it was supposed to be like Total Wipeout, which we also make, but it was one tenth of the price. So it wasn’t as good.
Ben Evans: Evan Warburton: Do you get many people joking about your show being called Pointless?
I can honestly say that I still to this day get about 500 tweets a day saying “That’s pointless,” “Your team are pointless”, “That was a bit of a pointless tweet”, “These celebrities actually are pointless, so the title Pointless Celebrities has an irony you haven’t spotted”. People do say, “Did you not think of that when you came up with the title?” You think, What, did we come up with the title Pointless Celebrities and not kind of go, this has a second meaning to it? No, I get it an awful lot but that’s okay.
Ben Evans: Nicky Tsoi: How many years have you been in Pointless?
Oh, that’s a good question. That’s a really good question. Five years. Five years and hopefully lots more to come. We shall see.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No. For a very good reason. Because there aren’t any ghosts. Well because the world would be a very different place if there were ghosts. Well, 6 billion people have died. They’re not all going to come back, but even if 0.0001% of them came back and decided that if instead of standing at the bottom of a child’s bed in creaky house, they might just come and watch Richard Herring or sit on the sofa on the One Show, just go do something. You know, they obviously have a message to get across, I would say do it in the most visible way you can. Honestly, don’t just go, F to someone from Liverpool, who looks like a con man from Liverpool, just turn up somewhere. Turn up at […]’s wedding and say something. So I think the world would be a very, very different place. And there’s clearly, obviously there’s no evidence that there aren’t any ghosts. It would be impossible. It would be impossible to disprove a negative. But there would be so much evidence that there were ghosts. Almost endless evidence that there are ghosts, so I’m afraid I refuse to accept that there are.
Have you ever seen a bigfoot?
Never saw one. I heard one. Heard one; ran like crazy. Yeah, I was in Nepal. I was on K2 in Nepal. I don’t know if you know the east face of K2, which is dangerous at the best of times. Anyway, we were on a snow field. There’s quite a shallow snow field that leads up to that ridge. And I’m hearing – at the back – I’m just hearing this noise. And I’m thinking it’s George, who I climb with *makes heavy, stomping sounds*, ’cause he’s a big lad, George. So I’m hearing it over there and then do you know what I see coming out of our tent? George. So he ain’t behind me. I just go, “George, run.” So we just ran. Ran and ran and ran. And then we heard the sasquatch going, “RAWR!” but didn’t take a photo, nothing. So I heard him, never saw him.
RH tells the Naughty Dog story.
RH’s parents were excited about RO being a guest.
Desert Island Dicks: Richard Madeley, Richard Virenque, Richard Nixon, Richard Wilson, Richey Manic, Cliff Richard, Ritchie Neville, Rick Edwards
Audience takes World Cup Of Chocolate poll between Maltesers and Twirl.
Maltesers wins in the room, Twirl in the actual World Cup Of Chocolate.