Title: Spreading All Your Nits About
Original Record Date: November 10, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 24, 2014
Youtube Publication Date: December 24, 2014
Please Welcome a Man
Who has just eaten a Stinger Chew Bar. It was as bad as he remembered.
Guest Best Known
For doing the warm-up on 8 Out of 10 Cats. He was also in the film Angela’s Ashes.
Better or Worse than Last Week: Worse
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Unlike
Member Member Note Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera in the front row wearing a “Richard Herring says ‘Relax Your Shoulders'” t-shirt Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera in the front row wearing a “Me 1 vs. Me 2” t-shirt Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera in the front row wearing a “RHLSTP” t-shirt Laura shown on RH’s hand-held camera in the front row first time attending a recording Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera sitting with Laura Laura’s aunt brought Laura because she’s trying to teach her about comedy
Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest.*
Yep. Yeah, quite often. And I have to sign autographs.
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
Oh, do they argue? I’d be worried about what we have in common – that’s what I’d be worried about. Right, here’s the thing we have to think about. This man who has a little man for a penis or a penis that is a little man, whatever you want to say, is, the little man penis, is it facing him or is it facing away? What about when he’s masturbating and that poor guy has to look at him? *Mimes being jerked off by a massive hand.* Is he going to survive when a condom goes on? *RH states that you’d have to prick holes in condom.* And that’s how you got yourself into this horrible mess you’ve gotten into. It’s like that movie, isn’t it? Innerspace? Dennis Quaid is ejected into an anus. *RH states that it’s like Sliding Doors.* Sliding Backdoors. Well, I supposed the positive of going on a date with the man who is a 6-foot penis is that if, like, you got on, and then your friends met him, and eventually he let you down, it wouldn’t be the obvious, “Oh God, he was a dick”. Because they couldn’t say that because, well I know. He’s a 6-foot dick. You have to come up with some more interesting phrases. “Oh, he was a tool – ” Oh, no, that’s not right. Aw, dammit! They just have to work a bit harder in describing how useless he was.
What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?
Well, if I was dying sadly. If I was dying sadly… yeah, it would be someone like Tony Arthur from Play Away. Because then that would be really comforting, wouldn’t it? It was be very comforting. But if I was dying happily… Well, I might die happily. *RH suggests that ML wouldn’t need someone to stroke his hair if he were dying happily.* Well, maybe that’s why I’m happy.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No. My mum swears blind that she was driven to church once by God. No, the thing is – thing is, what I find very interesting about this is in my hometown of Newtownards, Ireland, you never get a taxi because they’re run by paramilitaries and and you don’t know which paramilitary – I mean, you don’t want to give money to any paramilitary, but which side is God on that he’s going to give a taxi ride to my mum? You know, she swears it. Yeah, he said he was God and my mum said, “Well, God, I’m very tired. I can’t go to church.” “No […], we’re going to go to church.” “Oh God, alright then. I mean, thanks for making everything. Most of it’s really nice.” And then God dropped her off at church. She went into the church and there was only one woman in the church and it was some Catholic festival of depression. And there always had to be one miserable old fuck in the church. And the woman saw my mum and went, “Aw, thank goodness you’re here. I’ve been here for four hours waiting for another person.” It’s like tag misery, Catholicism. And my mum tagged her out. And I don’t know, she was there for a month, or something.
What is your favourite towel?
I quite like Scrabo Tower. It doesn’t get enough press, Scrabo Tower. Scrabo Tower is a tower in my hometown of Newtownards.
Do you have any unusual phobias?
Um, oh yeah. Well, I don’t know if it’s unusual. I’m terrified of the sea. Absolutely terrified of it. My parents took me to see Jaws when I was six, which probably means nothing to you ’cause you’re very young, but I’m very old. When Jaws came out, I was six and went to see it with my parents and I freaked out – quite rightly – and apparently there are lots of men my age who are terrified of the sea. And believe it or not I’ve had relationships. Should we end it there? And my partners have said to me, like, “We should go on holiday. I’m going to cure you of this phobia.” *Shakes head.* Nope. It just ends in screaming. I was in a pedalo shaped like a swan with a girlfriend screaming, “You fucking bitch, get me back to the beach.”
What is the closest you have ever come to actually dying?
This exact second. This exact second is the closest I have come to dying. We’ve probably had billions that we haven’t noticed. You know, probably like a car nearly hit us or something. Or like, who knows what’s happened outside there. We don’t know. It could be like the zombie apocalypse. Maybe we are the near-death experience.
Were you ever rude to a celebrity when you were young?
You know what, as a child I was obsessed – and I don’t know why this has popped into my head, I have never thought about this in years – I was obsessed with phoning up local celebrities. How fucking weird is that? I used to call up, like, newsreaders from Ulster TV. And speak to them. I was almost forcing the Operation Yewtree on them. Never see it from the other way around, do you? Little prick-tease, I was. Phoning up W.D. Flax. No one? Yeah, he was a newsreader. I was rude to the man who was the little kid’s dad in George and Mildred. Because I went up to him and my mum said, “Look, it’s him from George and Mildred”. And I went up and went, “Can I have your autograph?” and then he went, “Oh yeah” and I went, “Oh, no”. Because I thought it was George and then I looked at him and went, No, I don’t care about you. You’re often quite rude in the programme. Whereas George is a very nice man.
ML describes the Dirty Britcom Confession where the writer is having sex with Dave Gorman while ML yells at them, and while Robin Ince yells at ML, as “some weird shouting human centipede”.
RH at first indicates the audience is better, but later says that they are worse.
ML was a replacement guest for Al Murray, who had to cancel at short notice.
Desert Island Dicks: Richard Clayderman, Richard Osman, Richard Attenborough, Richard O’Brien, Richard Carlyle [went to school of ML].
RH refers to Desert Island Dicks as an emergency question.
In this version of Desert Island Dicks, RH gives the caveat that none of the Richards named by Richard Osman can be claimed.
Tower response was a mishearing of the towel question, but RH liked the mishearing.
Loud cricket is heard mid-recording.