Title: What’s It Like Being the Unattractive One from Lee and Herring?

Soundcloud Time: 1:24:47
Youtube Time: 1:25:35

Original Record Date: November 17, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 7, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: January 7, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just been Googling “child’s writing desk”.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
For appearing on I Love 1980, also I Love 1988, but none of the other 1980 shows.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH RH thought that he had left when he had actually just switched seats
after asking VCM the ghost emergency question, suggested that because Andy McH had “disappeared” he was a ghost
Aanth shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
long conversation between RH and Aanth regarding his name
wearing red glasses
Andy shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
works for a fundraising team at a charity for cancer research

Emergency Questions

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

*RH describes 6-foot penis.* Whatever the other one is, I’ll take it. But it speaks? It’s a person? *RH advises it has no penis.* That’s a plus. My big concern is not how do I shag this creature? Okay, I’m going to tell you what. I’m going to answer this question with a question. Have you ever had therapy? I mean, how have you arrived at this choice. I mean, as you lay there thinking, Right, I’m going to offer women a choice… The man that has the little man where the genitals should be, do we have a sex life here? Because I don’t with the 6-foot… I suppose the one with the little person? I mean, gun to my head I’d take the bullet. Look, this is not the type of conversation I’d have publicly, but you’re not being clear about the what the sexual intimacy… Well then I’ll go for the [6-foot penis]. And you say that I’m over the tragic death of David Mitchell as I date these two, but I’m over it. I’m fine.

If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?

The armpit. Well, just for starters, Konnie Huq, who we mentioned earlier, who is one of my favourite people in the world, they don’t eat ham. They’re from a Muslim family. I feel like, you know, Jewish and Muslim people might find me a bit disgusting with my hammy hand. They don’t mind it being someone’s digits – yes, they do. It wouldn’t have come off a pig? Then it’s not ham. What do you mean? Ham that grows naturally off my body is what my hand already is. if it’s not from a pig I’ll take the ham hand. If it is, then I won’t out of respect for people who find that an offensive thing.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

I beg your pardon? A tit? A breast – that’s what you mean. A finger that travels through time? Is there a person alive who would say, “No, I’d like a tit full of talcum powder?” Yeah, you can get talcum powder at Boots. Listen, somebody has got to tell you this before your child’s born, the breasts will be required for another purpose. Yeah, I mean, clearly the finger. Wait, does the finger come back with information it can give me? I wouldn’t send it into the future because I think I’d want to know about the future. Because it’s bound to be better, wouldn’t it? So I would be sad about the things that we didn’t have that they have in the future so I wouldn’t do that. But I would send it into the past on research trips. I’d like to know about Shakespeare. *RH says that if VCM sent her finger into the future they could make it a bionic finger.* There’s a limit to how amazing a finger can be, and I don’t want that quoted out of context. I feel like there’s limited excitement to that. I think I would just send it into the past and it could tell me stuff.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Not to my knowledge. Well, how do we know what ghosts look like? If you mean a kind of dangling bed sheet, no. But ghosts may take the form of people, we think they’re people. They could take the form of objects.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

No.

Where do you get your crazy ideas from?

I once saw Barry Cryer, who I do think is absolutely wonderful, but he was doing a show in Edinburgh and he told a joke and then he went, “Where did that come from? My head.” Which I thought was an amazing thing to say at the end of a show.

Do you have any unusual phobias?

I don’t know if it’s unusual, but I don’t like flying. You’ve remembered haven’t you? I developed a very small fear of flying. I was uneasy, which was problematic because for poker you have to travel a lot so I thought, well I’ll nip that in the bud. So I went to see a fear of flying counsellor and he then died in a plane crash. So yes. So I think I have pretty much, I think, lifelong fear of flying now. Therapeutically it didn’t help. Part of the thing was, let’s get a sense of perspective here. These plan crashes are pretty unlikely… They don’t happen… You’ve got an exaggerated… etc., etc. And that message was not reinforced by him also being the person in my life to introduce me to the possibility that people you know can die in a plane crash. I don’t know if that’s an unusual phobia, but it’s an unusual reason for having it.

Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?

Um, yes, but it’s such a good idea that it would be irresponsible of me for me to say it. No, I’m not saying it. No, no, I haven’t. I haven’t ever thought of a terrorist atrocity. And I definitely haven’t committed one…

What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?

I mean… Su Pollard. I think it’s because Su Pollard – when you say the word “celebrity”… You think I’d say David Mitchell, which I wouldn’t, for two reasons. One, I don’t think of him as a celebrity. Two, I feel guilty about the fact that I probably will die before him and that’s not fair because that’s not meant to happen to men and I warn him about that sometimes and he gets sad. But the other thing is, when you say the word “celebrity” I think Su Pollard comes into my head because that’s what I call a celebrity. She gave it some, you know. The fabulous clothes, the zany glasses, the big personality. Not some kind of mumbling, sort of coll person in normal clothes. Like a big, exciting – when she came on the TV, you knew the TV was on. So I think of her when you say “celebrity”.

Notes

VCM brought all of her belongings onto the stage (including her bag).

Desert Island Dicks: Richard Osman, Richard Bacon, Richard Ayoade, Richard Madeley, Richard O’Sullivan, Richard Carpenter, Richard Lionheart, Richard Moross

RH says that VCM had a chance to assassinate George Osborne.

Death on the Nile spoiler.