Original Record Date: November 17, 2014
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 14, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: January 14, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
Who this week recorded an episode of Pointless and did better than he did the first time he was in Pointless. It would have been hard for him to do worse.
Guest Best Known
The voice from Don’t Scare the Hare. She was also of course in Live from the Lighthouse and Nevermind the Fullstops.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Andy McH shown on RH’s hand-held camera in the front row RH addresses him about the RHLSTP call and answer plays an instrument, in accordance with RH YouGov fan profile dildo expert said to SP: I liked when you say the word “fudd” on TV Unnamed asked SP: Do you get really stoned before an episode of Bake-Off?
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
Right, can the tiny man talk? Creeps me out. No. Would the penis man argue? Would it be an argumentative, fractious relationship? I don’t think I’d want to be penetrated by something that had an opinion. I don’t mean, I don’t mean that like it sounds, because I love you, men. More than you know. More than the monolythic statement of my sexuality would imply. But what I mean by that, so that it’s not taken out of context, is just a genital that’s just bitching about you as it enters the sacred arena. So I’m going to say – I’m still thinking, Is there a right and a wrong? I’m thinking I’d rather go out with a massive penis. So it’s with the face of a man. I think that would be alright. It doesn’t have [genitals], so it’s smooth down there. You are talking to somebody, as you know, for whom a penis isn’t necessarily a prerequisite for a date. I think, I mean, it’s an interesting dilemma. I think – although it would be fun to have the man penis. I’m going to go for the smooth megacock. I think the Daily Mail would implode at the sight of me with a 6-foot smooth penis. Whose face is it? Can I choose? Jeremy Clarkson’s face. And I would like to wander arm-in-arm with Jeremy Clarkson penis.
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
I mean, the talcum powder is a thing that we need to get away from, talcum powder. When we were kids it was a massive thing because for some reason our buttocks could at any point become raw. At any point. It was a big 80’s, 70’s thing. Ah, you must cover it. I just can’t see the value in a tit now that dispenses basically ground chalk. I can’t see it. The finger, does it fly off my hand? *RH explains mechanics of the finger.* Richard is now doing the playground sign for vaginal penetration. But your finger can’t report back what different times are like. There’s no brain in the finger. But only your finger can go through; your finger can’t report back. All your finger’s feeling is it’s just gone through a hole. The finger isn’t sentient. The finger can’t go, “Fucking hell, you won’t believe what’s happening in the 16th century.” How big is the time portal? Oh I’d do that, yeah. But if it’s that big why wouldn’t you want to put your tongue in there or something. Don’t you want to put your tongue in the 16th century? It’s my answer to everything. My first response: Can you put a tongue in that? And why not?
What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?
That’s a great question. On a sort of slightly pervy level – part of me would like it to be somebody classy like Marion Cotillard or somebody gorgeous. But then part of me thinks maybe Robert Powell because your dying moments could be, “There’s Jesus! Jesus is here!” As we know, the pool of celebrities who aren’t creepy from our childhood is so… it’s such a diminished thing now, isn’t it? Any of the names I would have said are just wrong now.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yes. I hallucinated once, quite recently. In the Tibetan autonomous region, which is about 4,000 meters above sea level and I got altitude sickness quite badly and needed a lot of oxygen. And I was playing with this 8-year old kid down on one side of the valley and then took a drive up to the other side just to have a bit of time to myself. And just sat on the moutain-side and all of these Tibetan flags were sort of blowing in the breeze. And I felt a little bit pinchy of chest. I opened my eyes and the little girl was standing there and she just beckoned me over like in the Matrix. And took me by the hand and led me down to the village and walked through some doors and Chinese cartoons are playing on the television, bearing in mind this is a village where kids never get educated. There are no schools, there is no transportation to schools, and they stay in the community and they work in the vineyards that were planted by the French missionaries in the 19th century. And I sat and watched Chinese cartoons and she made me something to eat. And then she popped the channel changer on my knee and said in perfect English, “You change the channel any time you want.” And I totally freaked out. I screamed my way around the house and that really frightened her and then I was asked to leave by her mother in sort of, you know chattering and frenetic Tibetan. But yeah, I absolutely tripped out on a lack of oxygen. […] But no, I’ve never seen a, like, “Ooooooh” phantom.
Has the moon ever spoken to you?
I’m going to keep this very short. No.
How many chemicals are there in a carrot?
Seven. Twelve. Is it more or less than twelve?
If you could have a hand made of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream, which would you prefer?
I don’t eat pig. But you’re saying it is ham. But ham is pig. You can’t say it’s human ham. Right, I can either eat on something that I don’t necessarily like in moments of hunger, when presumably there’s normal food around. I like all food other than a ham hand. *RH advises that SP’s YouGov fan eats Thai chicken stir fry.* Now we’re talking. In these climes it’s not very useful to have an armpit that dispenses sun cream. Also do you have to action it mentally or do you just leak sun cream all the time? So you just do the chicken thing and it just *squirting sound*? But it’s just going to go down your side so you’re just going to have one perfectly sunscreened side and the rest is just burnt to a cinder. Who wouldn’t want to just be watching a film and just be nibbling on a thai chicken – it’s like a stir fry? And it’s regenerative hand? I still think that’s more user than leaking a bit of factor 20 from an armpit.
Desert Island Dicks: Richard Attenborough, Richard Chamberlain, Richard [friend, surname not provided], Richard Madeley, Richard Hickox, Richard Ayoade, Richard III, Richard II
Doctor Who spoiler.