Title: An Abundance of Shells
Soundcloud Time: 1:25:22
Youtube Time: N/A
Original Record Date: Unknown
Soundcloud Publication Date: April 15, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: N/A
Please Welcome a Man
Who isn’t entirely sure where he is.
Guest Best Known
From appearing on Alan Davies’s Après-Ski.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Unnamed in the front row RH points out that he went through the birthing process when being born Unnamed in the front row if she had to marry a Muppet, she’d choose Animal
Unspecified Child: If I got turned into a turkey, what would you do and why?
It wasn’t written by a child. It was improvised by a scared child. *SH asked this question to members of band Westlife as a teenager.*
Which mythical Irish creature would you rather be: a leprechaun or a Jesus?
Oh, I thought it was unicorn. This makes it much harder. Is it a Christmas thing, a leprechaun? Would I be a male Jesus or a female Jesus? I’d get much further as a man with this personality. I’d get laid after gigs more. Yeah, Jesus. Comedian Jesus. Am I right, guys? You’d do it. You’d all do it. Consensual Jesus sex. The best kind of sex.
Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?
Whenever I’ve thought of it, which unfortunately is a lot, is because I once was late for a plane so I forgot to take all the stuff out in the tray that you’re meant to take out and nothing happened. I had my laptop, I had liquids all over the place and nothing happened. I was like, Hmm, I think it’s charm. I think if they see you they think, She’s not a terrorist. Look at those cheeks. She’s so adorable, she could never… right? Because I think the terrorists, the main mistake is that they don’t work enough on their personality. So they exude, Ugh, I’m going to blow up a plane. *RH points out terrorists hate everyone.* But that’s when you get caught, right? Take an acting course or something. See a psychiatrist. Just smile, “It’s just a little thingy thingy I’m doing with a thingy.” And then they’ll just, “Aw, you’re cute. Walk on through.”
Do you ever get mistaken for a different celebrity?
I did a Danish TV thing and the national paper wrote, “Oh, she’s amazing. We’ve seen her in this, this, and this.” And they hadn’t – it was another person. They took a huge photo of me and put, like, another woman’s name on it. And the TV thing, my name was written behind me. “Oh, Keira Fisher is amazing.” But she processed it a bit too much. I was like, “Oh, this is fun.” But she was like, “What the -” Calm down. Calm down, it’s fine, isn’t it? It’s not that bad.
Where do you get your crazy ideas from?
That’s the one with no answer, isn’t it?
Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?
*On the finger:* Make Brian [of Westlife] regret that he made me sit on him. That’s amazing. No, the finger definitely. Oh, is it, like, an unlimited amount of times? It’s forever. You just always – but if you have the path you can put other things in it as well? No, but I’ve tickled Hitler, poked Brian’s penis, and then could you just go do different things? Yeah, finger.
Ben Evans: Jonathan Wright: Would you rather be a cow or a badger and why?
A badger is, like, the big guinea pig thing? I don’t actually know what a badger is. Is it like a mole? What was the other animal? Ko. *SH tries to teach RH how to say ko*. You’re saying it wrong. He’s not saying it, is he? No he’s not.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
I know that I’ve been in a room with a ghost but I didn’t really see it. My friend saw it. So she let me know the morning after that there had been a ghost. My friend believes in ghosts and it’s really amazing. Yeah, because it’s slightly ridiculous but when she’s like, “Oh, there was a child in here,” I’m not going to go, pfffft. I just booked, to sleep, in a haunted house in May. With Northern comedians. I know, that’s why it’s amazing. There’s this really violent ghosts apparently, called Fred. So he, like, pushes people down stairs and stuff. It’s fun, isn’t it? Like shitting yourself. *RH points out that Fred could murder SH.” Then I marry Fred. He’s been alone for a while; looking for some company.
Have any of your siblings ever seen a ghost?
Have you ever seen a bigfoot?
You’re not allowed to mix countries up, I’ve learned, but I was just about to say, “Oh no, you guys have Loch Ness,” but then you guys would have shot me. I’m happy I didn’t say that. I made the cab driver stop when he drove me from the airport because he said, “Have you ever seen Father Ted?” And I said, “No, I haven’t watched a lot of British TV.” And he stopped the cab and went, “No!” I’m so sorry.
How sensitive are your nipples?
Five days a month it’s not nice. They get very painful. I like having nipples. Was that the question? I just thought I’d throw it out there.
First episode recording after Phoebe Herring’s birth.
Episode takes its name from the meaning of the word “Sligo”.
RH recently auctioned Slytherin notebook, which sold for £1,300.
Almost the entirety of the polled audience said that they would not sleep with Jesus. RH said that it was like having sex with a ghost; “they” couldn’t get you for that.
RH describes this as the future “lost podcast” because it would never be published.
RH states that he thinks that the finger is the obvious answer to the talcum tit/time-travelling finger question.
RH states that SH would never be on one of the “proper” Leicester Square Theatre podcasts.
RH found others doing a variation of Desert Island Dicks; suggested he would start Desert Island Dirks.
RH says that, of the Muppets, he’d like to sleep with Janice.
RH ends the episode to check the York City score.