Title: Do you believe in Calgon?

Soundcloud Time: 1:24:13
Youtube Time: 1:23:43

Original Record Date: June 1, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: June 10, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: June 10, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s just walked up 197 steps at the Covent Garden tube. It’s more than you think it’s gonna be.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
As the host of the Radio 4 pilot Bob Says Who from about 1992. With script written by Richard Herring and Stewart Lee.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Nick Gauge Cash for Questions – Paid £60
asked BM: As a former small Welsh child, the Welsh for microwave is popty ping. Can you think of any more kitchen appliances that would have an amusing translation?

Emergency Questions

What do you think Lord Alan Sugar should call his autobiography?

There’s Sugar On Your Tits? Excuse Me, Is That Sugar On Your Tits, Alan? I wouldn’t want your meeting Pele if that is sugar on your tits.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

Is the face on the bell-end or just on the shaft? So the bell-end’s not his hairstyle? And forgive me for asking, but can you tell me anything about the personality of the little man? I’m just saying is he, like, grumpy, or… That would be his biography, wouldn’t it? In Another Man’s Pants. Another year. I’m gonna choose that. Richard, very much so, ’cause you couldn’t go out and about with a penis character, could you really? Well no, it would just seem like a promotional thing, like you were selling penis friends. I don’t know.

What would it take for you to fellate the actor Keith Allen?

Keith – oh, fuck off. Have you had dealings with him? Well let’s just leave it at that. Do you know what I mean though? Honestly. Oh but ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, honestly, really. He’s one of these odd people who in a social situation gets his cock out. And for me there’s nothing that… That’s it for me. Chris Evans does it. He puts it on your shoulder. Fucking hell. Any Chris Evans. He does it as well, yeah. *RH asks if Chis Evans has a big cock.* Well no, same with Keith Allen. That is the weird thing. Has Keith Allen put his in your drink? Honestly, you’re a thirsty man. It’s terrible; isn’t that the oddest thing?

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No, I’ve never seen a ghost. I was in the presence of an old fat mate once who was dead. Still fat, standing above my bed – that’s a ghost, isn’t it really? Yeah. I don’t remember it very well and he was called Fat Harry. Fat Harry Harryman and, uh, yes. I’m going to change my answer, if that’s legal.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*.

*Other BM is a triple amputee evangelical preacher.* Well, I can only be honest. No, I’ve never been. I heard he’s often mistaken for me though. “Where’s Vic, mate?” *Speculating on other BM’s remaining limb:* If he’s evangelical it’s probably the arm.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*.

No. No, I occasionally have genuinely been mistaken for the actor Kevin Spacey. Really, yeah. I’ve had conversations – I’ve had an autograph returns because I’m not him. And I’ve sat in the waiting room at Waterloo East with someone thanking me for all my good work at the Old Vic.

Do you have any feelings about how cutlery should be placed in the dishwasher?

I do, Richard. Do you know on the top drawer there’s the little flaps at the side? I lay them blade towards the back. Just the sharp fellows. *RH asks about regular cutlery.* No, I’m willy nilly, mix them together but I put the metal end up.

Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?

Well, I certainly wouldn’t attack the capital. I always thought that’s a weakness, with all the security. I would probably do something like a Bradford or a Rotherham or Manchester. Because the security’s so much less. And I would use a sporting event or a shopping centre. No, every time I would. And I would probably – I think terrorists don’t use it – it’s something I remember vividly from the coverage of Vietnam when I was young. You know the napalm, the petroleum jelly? I’m just saying; it’s hypothetical. Do you have a shop called Smiffy’s where you live? They sell these guns. Or the Super Squirters. *RH suggests that napalm would melt the plastic guns.* No, no, no – any more than petrol would do. If you were to put polystyrene pellets in it as well of course it would stick to people more. No, honestly say something like Spennymoor in Country Durham on the dog track of a Wednesday or something. They’ve got one turnstile. You could take everyone out. It’s probably 200, 250 Spennymoor residents. It would cripple – Spennymoor would be fucked. It would lose a whole generation And think of the homeless greyhounds as well, wandering the streets. Not even out of the traps. So you know. If you laugh about it that’s the best way forward.

Would you rather have a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a finger that can travel through time?

Tit that dispenses… Infinite, fucking hell… Or a finger… And does it return? And I touch things in the future. I’d like to touch the past. Thank you very much. I’d like that very much. Like strumming a lute or something. I’m quite enticed by that. And into the future, when finally we get fucking jet packs. I’ll be able to touch one of them.

Notes

New intro credits by Crowmotion.

First RHLSTP recorded after Phoebe Herring’s birth.

RH thanks Kickstarter contributors.

Kickstarter: Duncan Thorley paid for this episode to advertisement podcast Maximum Whimsy.

Kickstarter: Adam requested that RH say that Lawrence Crook is a fucking idiot for chickening out for calling Neema Parvini a fucking idiot.

BM also claims to have created Alan Partridge.

BM asks RH if he’d ever interview a killer on RHLSTP.