Title: The Pink Bike Helmet of Doom

Soundcloud Time: 1:04:44
Youtube Time: N/A

Original Record Date: June 1, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: June 17, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: N/A

Please Welcome a Man
Who hasn’t eaten asparagus but who’s wee just smelled of asparagus, genuinely, and he’s a bit freaked out.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
As the Suicide Pact Lady in Rest Stop.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Sharon has never smelled daughter’s urine for asparagus
Tegan Sharon’s daughter
not named after the Doctor Who assistant
Andy McH present
described as representing the “core” group of original fans
Butlers one of the butlers is present
Unnamed works in finance
laughed when RH requested one million pounds
Dan bearded
first time attending a recording
does social media for a t-shirt company
agreed to give RH a free t-shirt
Unnamed nerdy man
stay-at-home dad
kids are ages 9 and 11

Emergency Questions

Do you have any feelings about how cutlery should be placed in the dishwasher?

Does it look like I’ve got a fucking dishwasher, mate? No, I have and I put them in. And we’ve got a special tray for it and I’ve got: forks, forks, forks, spoons, spoons, spoons. Then when you collect them, forks, spoons, it’s all organized. That’s what I’m talking about; dirty spoons. No, it’s separated with an appropriate gap in between. Not, it’s got a special tray for it, Dickie. Listen, my dishwasher is working fine.

How sensitive are your nipples?

I mean, he’d be arrested in any other profession. In any other job he’d be arrested. Do you want them? Why do you want them? Hang on, sensitive doesn’t necessarily mean good. No, no, I met a sensitive man – it wasn’t good. Like, he was crying. It’s not good. Like, if I punched you in the penis that would be sensitive and it wouldn’t be good.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

I’ve thought about this a lot. Well, I’ll tell you I’ve dated a few penises in my time. Because I was listening earlier when you asked this to Bob and the reason I’m going for the man with the pan on his penis is I feel so bad for the man in his pants. *RH asked about the 6-foot penis.* He’s having a great time, because men are fixated on their penis and what better and they love it to be big and he’s the biggest ever. Also, what a lot of fun, like, at parties. “This is my friend Dave.” And everyone’s, like, “Let me speak to Dave.” It would be great. I would say the big penis, definitely. Because also you don’t have to be faithful to him, right? Well, have a look at yourself, mate. Of course I’m having an affair. You’re a 7-foot penis. Come on. I think if you had an intimate relationship with the other one, which you would have to have sex with him and then really what’s happening there is there’s a man who can’t breathe and he might die. But if he dies then you have drag him out dead and then what? Can I say neither? Then the big penis. Imagine the Instagram pictures would be really fun. If he was crying.

What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?

Very good question. Um, Gloria Hunniford. I mean, I’m hoping that I actually outlive Gloria Hunniford but if I died now Gloria Hunniford. I do think I’m going to die early, because I took a load of DMT and I saw my own death. It was bad. I went around to a shaman’s house in Archway. This is the spiritual stuff you want to hear. Man, I took a load of DMT and I did it twice as well. It was so horrible the first time I thought I’d better do it again. It was worse and I saw my own death. And I had a bike helmet that flew off and then I was going down this well and there were shards of glass and my mom and Georgie and Helena, my friends, were there. I threw away my helmet afterwards. [Unintelligible], this other comic who’s done loads of DMT said it was a message, “I think you’re going to die. It’s a message.” And I threw away my bike helmet but I hate landfills so I felt really guilty so I left it on top of a bin in case anyone else wanted it but then I then I felt bad if they were going to die and take on the curse. It was terrible. And then I did a gig that night and I was like, “Guys, I think I’ve seen my own death.” It was awful. But I’m still here.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes. So when I was younger I had a friend, surprise, and she had a mum, another surprise, and they were quite weird actually, but we went around to one of their friends’ houses, and I was like, “Oh my God, what’s that shadowy figure – there was honestly a shadowy figure come in came in and I was like, “Ooh, what’s that, um, oh no, it’s probably me. It’s probably me don’t worry I’m probably going mad.” And they said, “Oh, no, this house was haunted.” And then I described what I’d seen. But the point is it’s ignorant to think that we’re the only things floating around, isn’t it?

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

Um, no. of course I haven’t, you dick. I went out with a man with big feet and a very small penis so it’s very odd how it works out.


Video recording could not be found at the time of collecting this information.

Kickstarter: Colin Bolster wrote, “Richard Dawkins, The God Delusion, chapter 7 had me giggling out loud. Your wit never fails. God was in no mood for half-measures that day. LOL.”