Title: Yoghurt Smearing Ethics for the Vegan

Soundcloud Time: 1:44:16
Youtube Time: 1:44:07

Original Record Date: June 8, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: July 1, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: July 1, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s been drinking a delicious Yazoo backstage and Vince Clarke is furious about it.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
For his appearance on 50 Greatest Plastic Surgery Shockers.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Adam shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
bald but bearded
Jakarta-based diplomat
David Frew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
derided as not being as important as the Adam the diplomat
doesn’t use calculus
James shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting with David Frew
Rupert Franklin present
sent the Kickstarter comment read out by RH
Unnamed cackled loudly
man pretending to be a woman by putting on a high voice
Lena still here from “last week’s” show
RH requested her help RH and RR start a business where they remove people’s ribs and insert them in their penises

Emergency Questions

Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?

First of all, should we cut the bullshit about you asking all the guests this? I know what’s going on here, mate. What are you asking me here? Are you asking me what act I’d want to commit or how I would do it? What I’m nervous about is that you are just going to take the snippet of me talking about this out and then it’s just going to be me going, “And then what you need to do to end the infidels is…” I think suicide bomber, explosive tic tacs. When you’re ready to go you just go, “Tic tac? No? Say goodbye.” I got really fascinated by the Shoe Bomber. Um, what was he thinking? Why do the shoes, dude? Like, it’s such a weird strategy for doing it. What – he’s got to ignite his shoe. You can’t do that in a subtle way. At some point someone’s going, “Mate, what are you doing with your show, bruv?” And just doing something like Pocket Bomber. That’s easier, isn’t it? Tie Bomber. Why are you going for the shoe – the furthest thing from you. Hat Bomber. All of these things, easier than shoe. The worst item. What’s wrong with this prick? Hat Bomber; just twist the peak. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick.

Who could you have assassinated?

I’ve been in a room with Kanye West. And I would like to assassinate him. And the reason is I’m a hip hop fan. Are you all hip hop fans? I’m a hip hop fan and I went to see – I am a fan of Kayne’s. I think his music is interesting. And I think he takes risks. Unfortunately, he’s a prick. Everything outside of the music is unacceptable. But I do find his music interesting and I used to really like him. And I went to see his – and the thing is most hip hop, and I love hip hop, but my problem with it is most of these artists don’t devote enough time to the live show. You know, you look at every other form of music – they think about live performance and I think hip hop is the art form that doesn’t; it does it the least. So many times I’ve been to see somebody that I really like and the album has been ruined by two blokes just shouting in a muffled awy into a mike that they obviously haven’t tested before they arrived. So anyway, I went to see Kanye West and the thing is, to his credit, he did an amazing show. It was called The Glow In The Dark tour, he had the whole stage set up like a spaceship, and the whole show was about him travelling around from planet to planet. Yeah, I know, but it’s a concept, isn’t it? Get off my back. So there’s one point – there was my wife, who by the way had said to me, “You have been so annoying about getting here on time that I’m never coming to a live music show with you ever again.” So that’s some insight into my marriage. So we’re watching Kanye; there’s one point where the spaceship lands on some planet and this alien appears on the screen and the alien says, “I am Zeta Gamma 17,” or whatever, and everyone’s going , “Aw, this is crazy. Where’s this going to go now?” And then he goes, “Hello, Alpha Zeta 613, my name is Kanye West.” And then the alien thing goes, “We know who you are, Kanye. You’re the brightest star in the whole universe.” And everyone in the audience went, “Yeah!” And I thought, He wrote that! That’s not an alien saying that. He made it say that. And we’re all like, “Yeah, he is the brightest star.” That’s when I thought, I’ll kill him. That is the point where I thought, I’m not a fan of this dude anymore. He’s gotta go. If I get the chance you are done.

What do you think Lord Alan Sugar should call his autobiography?

*On being on You’re Fired.* I didn’t really talk directly to him at any point and also he’s a Tottenham fan and I’m a Gooner. I didn’t chat to him but I got the impression that he thought I was really funny. I think he detected a vibe in me and I thought he found me amusing. I really did.

What is the secret of happiness?

Wow. To me – I’ve had this conversation quite a bit recently. Because I was sort of thinking, like, you know with something like doing comedy you don’t… Because I’m happy at home. I’ve got a lovely family. My second child – there are issues there – but generally speaking, I’m happy. I’m happy at home with my family. And you think job-wise, comedy doesn’t feel like something that you ever – we call it the swimming pool moment, me and my friends, where you’re sitting in a swimming pool and you’re in it. I’ve done it, I’m happy now. I think it’s sort of in human nature to keep chasing for something. I don’t think that… You don’t ever think, I’m done now, I’m happy, I can just stop. I think you’re just constantly chasing something elusive. I think it’s just, like, human nature to keep going for something. And then you die. I think I’m happy.

Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?

Uh, yeah, of course. I’m human. Of course I have. Is this a cliche thing? Marilyn Manson could do it, apparently. Have we heard this? Has anyone? It’s not true? Yeah, that’s what I heard. How do you know it’s not true? Why would you deny that rumour? I don’t understand what’s to be gained by saying that’s not true. That’s amazing, “I can suck my own suck.” *RH suggests that others would be less likely to blow you if you could suck your own cock.* Good point. Can you imagine that? And then you’d really be trying, wouldn’t you? You’d be going for it with all your might. “Take out all my ribs!”

Do you have conceptual art ideas?

I don’t think I would ever bring out merchandising but I do fantasize about what that merchandising might look like. So I thought about just a blank t-shirt with a pair of glasses and just one lazy eye behind one of the lenses. I thought that would be quite cool.

Would you prefer to have a hand made out of sun cream or an armpit that dispensed ham?

And it keeps replenishing itself? Ham hand. 100%. Yeah, you know when they talk about just creating meat, growing it, I think that sounds interesting. If I just found an animal that was just dead I’d eat it. Because it’s just dead, isn’t it? It’s going to go to waste. Yeah, I mean, accidents happen. I don’t ever use sun cream though. And I think I’m supposed to but I just don’t. It’s bad, isn’t it? Is that bad? Am I going to have problems? *RH asks whether RR ever goes outside.* Well, I did. Six years ago I was a white guy. I think it may have had an affect. I do go outside. I mean occasionally I do but only when I’m told to.


Catherine Wilkins also performed at Romesh Ranganathan’s first gig.

RH forgot to ask Emma Kennedy a Kickstarter requested question. Asked RR instead.

Kickstarter: John Thompson asks Emma Kennedy, “What would it take for you to fellate the comedian Richard Herring?”

Kickstarter: Rupert Franklin requested the RH call him a fucking idiot.

RH has to make 70 t-shirts for as Kickstarter rewards.