Title: I think I’ve explained Peep Show to my satisfaction
Original Record Date: June 15, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: July 8, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: July 8, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
This is the first time you have seen him tonight.
Guest Best Known
Graham from Meaningful Sex. He was also Arvo in My Family.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note N/A N/A
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
Interesting. I need some qualifying questions. So the man who’s a 6-foot penis, can he talk? Arms? Fucking hell, so I’m going out with some paraplegic penis? He can talk but… This is the stuff of nightmares! Would I like to date – is he circumcised? Have you thought this through? Does he wash? I mean, he’s a big fucking bell-end, that talks, who may or may not smell like a cock. *RH suggests that he would wash.* Well, I hope so. If you’re a cock, I mean, blimey, I wash my cock most days, but if you are just a cock you’d be in the shower every time you pissed yourself. Every time you pissed out of the top of your head. You’d go, oh, I’m sorry, I better… When he goes to the loo he does a handstand with his fake arms. No, I prefer the man who’s a normal man with a small man as a penis because they could be friends. He’s always got someone to talk to so, you know, he’s probably more emotionally intelligent because he’s got a friend. Where does he wee then? Does he wee out of his bottom? *RH mentions the little man having a little man, ad infinitum.* What, like a sexy Escher? I say sexy – I mean disturbing. *RH says that he would say that it came out of the little man’s “wee wee hole”.* You would say that but you’re a grown man. In answer to the question I prefer the man with the human for the penis rather than the human penis. Let me remind you never to let you lose track again so that we don’t have another emergency question.
Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*.
No and I love this section of the show and I didn’t know there was one. I know – I didn’t go back and look but for a while when I was obsessively Googling myself in search of recognition the other Robert – there are at least two marine biologists called Robert Webb and I don’t know if they’re still around. They’re not uncommon names, either of them, so you’d think that, okay… I feel fine about that.
Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?
They’re not happy people, you know, so they haven’t had time to plan because they’re too busy being angry. But maybe you can [execute RH’s most recent terror plot] with the free Cadbury’s chocolate that you get, that they keep trying to push on you at WH Smith’s every time you buy a pencil sharpener. “Would you like a massive but of Whole Nut?” “No, I fucking wouldn’t.” […] I don’t think I’ve given this enough thought. How would I? If you got, like, a zeppelin and you lowered it into Wembley Stadium on the World Cup final night, or FA Cup final, assuming we’re not hosting the World Cup, finally. We might be. But, let’s assume it’s full and you put, like, you know those that kids have, plastic where put the thing down and it’s got a sort of sticker and it sticks down and then it stays there for a bit and then it pops up. But a really lethal version of that. And you cover the lower part of the zeppelin with those. It would take a lot of trouble to time it – I’m not saying this is easy – to time it so they all popped out at the same time, and they’re all poison-tipped and there’s one for everyone there. Yeah? No dice. You think not. Okay, let’s assume that the zeppelin isn’t filled with safe helium, but with hydrogen so they can’t shoot it. *RH points that it’s very slow.* That’s what makes it macabre, that’s what makes it sinister. That is happens in slow motion, like all nightmares do.
Have you ever tried to suck your own cock?
Yes. Successfully from the ages of 13 to 15. *Audience member whistles.* It’s my cock, it’s not your cock. *RH asks if RW stopped because he became less limber.* Yes, or because my cock shrank. I think, yeah, 13 to 14 was when I was maximum bendy. Feet on the wall. Yeah, then over. What you don’t want at that point, because my mum did walk in on me, when I was in a more conventional position under the – I was in bed and there was just a bit of *flails,* “WHAT?” And that was fine, but if she caught me while I was doing that I think I’d have broken my neck. So that was lucky.
Would you prefer to have a hand made out of sun cream or an armpit that dispensed ham?
A hand made out of ham? Fucking, I love ham. You could eat it and it grows back? I wouldn’t get much done – is it my typing hand? I can imagine licking it quite often but only in private. I don’t know. Do people around me accept this? *RH describes sun cream dispensing armpit.* That’s silly. It’s silly. No, I think that’s far-fetched.
If you had a finger that could travel through time…
Whose anus would you finger first? If you were invisible, whose face would you sit on first? That’s Abigail Burdess’s joke. That’s my wife’s joke. If my finger could go through time… Oh fuck. If I had a finger that could travel through time… I’d probably finger Hitler up the asshole so that he’d relax a bit. So, just when he got turned down from art school and he was having a wank. And then I’d put a finger up his bottom and suddenly his wank would be strangely more threatening and yet more pleasurable. And he’d go, “Aw, actually, everything’s fine. It’s fine being rejected from art school. I don’t need to kill 50 million people in a world apocalypse. *RH posits that RW doing this might set Hitler off.* I suppose I’m starting from the premise that he already was a motherfucker.
Thanks Kickstarter contributors.
Kickstarter: Josh Hernandez says, “My friend Richard Vallieos is a fucking idiot, although the rest of his family is quite charming.”
RH brings an example of a t-shirt he’s made for the kickstarter contributors; later gives to a member of the audience.
Today’s episode was paid by Crowmotion.
Kickstarter: Ian Hill writes, “Robert, like you I grew up in Lincolnshire, which was beautiful but is awfully remote when you’re a teenager. What are your abiding memories of the place and growing up in what is essentially Britain’s largest field?”
RH tells story about childhood friend Phil Frye, narrowly getting into a porn cinema with the rest of them.
RH adapted the time-travelling finger/talcum tit question, citing that no one chose the talcum tit.
During the course of talking about the talcum tit, RH mimed squeezing a tit and making a poof sound 20 times.