Title: Amstrad Emailer Sex Doll

Soundcloud Time: 1:04:47
Youtube Time: 1:05:29

Original Record Date: June 15, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: July 22, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: July 22, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who this week genuinely nearly choked to death.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
For her appearance in The Angina Monologues.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note

Emergency Questions

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

Yes. It’s the future, mate. We’re all going to be having sex with robots, we’ve got to start legislating for it. I think the future is this – I think genuinely I think in the future we’re not going to have to meet each other as humans, because robots are going to be so good and in tune with us and register our moods and say all the things that we need to hear, and so it’s fine. You wouldn’t want to have sex with a robot unless… You want to have sex with a robot that you can respond to as a human. Would you have sex with a Mac computer? *RH talks about watching porn as not being considered cheating.* I think your eyes looking at something and your dick being in something are very different things. And they are the rules this world has stood by, we stand by, that you can look but not touch. If you walk in and see your partner, you know, having sex with a machine, you’re not going to go, “Oh thank God, it’s just the robot.” Terrifying new world. I reckon it will, in 50 years there will be really hot robots. Listen, I think you need to work through your robot fetish. I don’t think they’re the way forward, I think they’re a, you know, a decoy. Some people buy hats. Deal with the problem, whatever’s going on in your life, deal with that. The hat isn’t going to solve it. And that’s what I think with robots. *RH raises concerns about chafing.* From hats? They won’t chafe. They’ll have all these nerve endings, and they’ll do all this stuff. Robots are almost – artificial intelligence is going to be really big in our lifetime. They’re going to have, like, soft spots. As the scientists call them.

Who could you have assassinated?

Quite a lot of comedians. I don’t want to kill any comedians, they’re my friends. I’ve been in a room with – have I been in a room with any famous people? Stephen Hawking, I’ve been in a room with him. I don’t want to kill Stephen Hawking. You don’t want to be the guy who kills Stephen Hawking; that is not a good kill. That is a really bad fucking kill. *RH references potentially killing Michael Gove.* Fine. I think they’d give you a couple minutes – listen to you for a couple of minutes. No one’s listening to you if you kill Stephen Hawking.

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

Easy. Basically, what I’ve got – the man with the tiny man there, has effectively got the best penis ever because he’s got the man shape, the torso, legs and the penis shape, but he’s also got extra bits. No-brainer, I’d definitely have the little man down there. *RH asks if RC would be worried about the little man.* No, he’d have a whale of a time. I’ll treat him right. No, he’ll be alright, kind of – and he can say, he can sort of be, like, he can check too. It’s like a health thing.

If you had a finger that could travel through time…

Oh, what would I do? Maybe – see, you could go back and, you know, the gun on Hitler or, you know, something. But you could also just go and really fuck someone up. Just, like, repeatedly touching someone on the chin. The thing is I wouldn’t want to go too far back because I’ve got a very strong sense of smell and I think everything, you know, everyone would stink. *RH notes that the nose doesn’t travel.* Oh yeah. Oh mate, the things I’m going to make you do. As long as I haven’t got to be there. Um, maybe I would… What could I do? I’m scared I won’t choose the right thing. I’d do something, maybe very noble, like the Hitler thing or the nuclear bomb thing, or, so like, change the maths on it so it didn’t work. “Oh, this worked yesterday.” “Well the maths are gone now, mate.” As they’re about to build it and they’re like, “It all done, right? It’s nearly ready?” And then the most important part of the equation I’d fuck up. And then they’re like “Oh, it didn’t work.” *RH notes that this would extend the duration of WWII.* How many times can I go back with this finger? I’d go back and I would kill Hitler. Standard.

If you could choose between having a tit that dispensed talcum powder or a hand made of ham…

A hand made out of ham. *RH describes talcum tit.* That’s not appealing at all. No, talcum powder is something from the 80’s, I think. I don’t know why people used it. Do you still use talcum powder? Talcum powder is a thing where I think parents just want to dry their kids. Uh yeah, dry yourself with powder. So definitely not and definitely not out of my boob. It would make me feel really sad, like I’d think it was milk not being used. Like, bleeeccch. Dust. I mean, nobody wants to see actually dust leaving their body. The hand made out of ham – this is problematic. If it’s smoked, I don’t mind. But I hate unsmoked pork. I mean, it’s the only way to eat bacon. You have unsmoked bacon? I can smell the pig when I have unsmoked – like, literally I can smell the animal. I love smoked bacon. *RH advises to just eat smoke.* I would eat smoke if I could. You can’t eat smoke. Smoked cheese I like as well. I like smoked things. I’d have a hand made of ham, the problem is it’s going to go off. *RH advises ham will not go off but regenerate.* Aw, amazing. I’d have a hand made of ham and I’d draw nails on it, so if I wanted to blend in and have a normal day I would just have nails. And I’d put fake tan on it to make it look like a normal hand, but if I wanted a question I could go, “Yeah, I’m the hand made of ham girl.” And I’d write a really great Edinburgh show about it. The Handmaid’s Tale. Or other such ones.

What do you think Lord Alan Sugar should call his autobiography?

I need to get Amstrad into a pun. That’s what you’d do if it was an Edinburgh show. Amstraddling Greatness.

Do you have conceptual art ideas?

I am a good drawer. I’m bad at most things, like just basically being alive is a struggle for me. But art I found – especially drawing – the technical I’m quite good at. I’m into anything that makes you sense and, without being pretentious and stuff like that, I think we all – comics especially – I think we’re always trying to look for inspiration so I think art sort of… It’s good to change gears.


RH predicts that the audience is also better than next week’s audience.

Ben reminds RH about the Kickstarter-related obligations.

Kickstarter: Mike Lamb doesn’t ask for anything to be said, so Chris Evans says why don’t you just call Mike Lamb a fucking idiot?

RH tells joke about how many members of East 17 it takes to change a light bulb.

Desert Island Dicks: Richard Osman, Richard III, Richard Ayoade, Richard Burton, Richard Carpenter, Richard Dawkins, Richard Curtis, Richard Harris

RC suggests piece of concept art where RH is repeatedly fucking an Amstrad emailer sex doll and getting caught by CW.