Title: Routines About Buttons

Soundcloud Time: 1:19:04
Youtube Time: 1:19:15

Original Record Date: July 13, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 10, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: September 9, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who has just noticed that his chair has a massive piss or shit stain on it that is not his own.

Cool Kids
I was down in the west bank of the Seine – that’s a thing – and all the kids there, they were French kids in berets.

Guest Best Known
For his appearance on Weekend Kitchen with Waitrose.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
David Frew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
nuclear physicist
said London is too big to fully destroy with a nuclear bomb
Lee shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
RH asked if he was interested in doing a double act
works for a charity benefiting disabled children
has never considered stealing a disabled parking pass
Lauren shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting with Lee
works in customer service
Andy McH confirmed that Fubar Radio was still on
does not listen to Fubar Radio

Emergency Questions

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

Has he cleaned his foreskin? Does the tiny man have a penis? So you’re going out with a man who’s got a man for a penis; if you were to have sex with that man, the little man’s penis is the thing you’re going to have sex with? The whole man’s going in? What, holding his breath? He’s like a fish? That’s my main concern. You’re right, I suppose he’s going to go in an out so he can *gasps for breath*. And the little man’s not into me? The big man’s like, “Oh, I like this guy”, but the little guy’s like, “Really?” Yeah, you need consent from both parties. Can you negotiate, like? So basically I’ve gone on a date, I’ve managed to charm big guy but I’ve also got, “Okay, so can we have a chat, Man in Pants?” Also, the man in the pants, he’s got to sort of stand tall if he… But he’s got to keep his position. Is he wearing boots? The little man is naked? So he’s like an amputee. He’s a top-half man. Unless they’re, like, on top of the balls. So then the alternative is big penis, what’s going in me? All of it? The whole 6-foot? Has the 6-foot penis got a penis? If I were to have sex with the 6-foot penis I assume I would have to go in through the blow-hole because that’s the only place it’s going to fit. He’s got a face, okay. I’m going to go with the little man. The little amputee man because, yeah, he sounds friendly as well. He’s been through a lot and I’d be gentle with him. Have you got a little penis man? Is this a set-up for later? Is this the bit we never see? “Come back stage, I’ll show you.”

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

That’s a really good question. What’s the robot’s face? *RH talks about Humans.* She looks and feels like a human being and all of that. I think for it to be okay you sort of have to remove the face… for your wife. Because then it’s like, “No, I’m just having sex with a box.” But if it’s got a face and the face is nice and it smiles, then it feels like a person, doesn’t it? I suggest you take its head off. I think I’d be okay with that, as your wife.

What is the secret of happiness?

It’s harrowing. But happiness is always… The thing is, there was science on this, wasn’t there? Science on it. And basically those people – do you know this? I don’t want to bore you. This is the science. But if you ask people what would make them happy, a lot of people go, “Oh, I just need a car, or I need a better job, or I need a house.” And then once they get those things then there’s a little spike in their happiness and that lasts for a month and then they go back to his level. And then they go, “Well, I would need a better car or a better thing and then there’s the little spike again but it only lasts about a month. And the only thing that keeps that level up is helping others, which none of us do. Helping sexy robots is the holy grail.

What is your favourite towel?

I realized the other day – I was literally thinking about that – I’ve got two towels. I’ve got two towels in my house and I’m starting to think that’s not enough. Uh, so I have a favourite. I have one white and one brown. The brown is my favourite. *RH asks how dark the brown towel is.* Like, that *points to table*. Yeah, ’cause you think it will last longer. You know, they rotate, but… You need more than two, don’t you?

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

Uh, no. Uh, no. Sorry, not really.

Have you or any of your siblings ever seen a bigfoot?

No, she hasn’t, but me and her have seen a ghost. We were at the same time experiencing the ghost. It was a poltergeist. Yeah, for real. I was in Cornwall or Devon. […] We went to visit some friends and they were staying… They have like a holiday home and we were staying in a hotel near it and their mum had died quite recently, quite sadly. And we were in the hotel then one day they all came to the hotel and they were like, “We’re moving into the hotel.” And we were like, “What’s happened?” And they said, “There’s a ghost.” And we were all excited thinking maybe it’s the mum. You know, we were excited and we said, “What happened?” And the two girls had been in these bunk beds and they’d gone to sleep and they’d been eating sweets and they turned out the light, like, “Goodnight.” And then a sweet hit one of them in the head and she said, Stop throwing sweets,” to her mate, and the mate said, “I haven’t,” and then got hit in the head again. They turned on the light, sweets are flying around the room. They go in to the dad and say, “Shit’s going off in the bedroom.” He says, “Don’t be ridiculous.” He walks into the bedroom and as a joke goes, “Stop throwing sweets at my daughter.” Bang, sweet hits him. They all scream, run out. So we go back in the daylight, like, Yeah, this is interesting. We go in the house, nothing happens. I go to the bathroom. Interestingly, I do a wee wee and I don’t flush. I forget to flush; terribly, I was young. My dad puts a 20p, 50p, and a pound on the bunk bed. We stand there. As I come out of the bathroom, the toilet flushes and two bits of money, one from this room, one from that room, come bang! Meet in the middle. We all scream and run out. Explain that.

Were you ever rude to a celebrity when you were young?

No, I met Steve Martin once but it was fucking so tragic. It was one of the saddest stories of my life. Do you want that? Basically, I went on holiday once. And Steve Martin is properly, like, a hero, my hero. Mine. And I went on holiday and we went to this beach and there was waves and I love waves and I was swimming out and surfing in, body surfing in. And next to me was Steve Martin and I was, like, Is that fucking… Holy shit! That’s Steve Martin, And I was like, it can’t be, but it was. And he liked waves as much as I did. And I was so freaked, I was like, Shit. I kept sort of next to him, bodysurfing. A couple of times I sort of bumped into him and didn’t say anything, just, “Agh!” And then I went back the next day and he was there again. And then so basically five days in a row I surfed with Steve Martin. And it was suck a long time that I started to think we’ve built up a relationship. I keep coming back to surf with Steve Martin, but I was scared to talk to him. I didn’t want to sort of ruin it. And then at the end of the last day we were walking back to the car. And as we were walking to the car he was behind me with his – whoever he was with. And I was like, Fuck he’s right behind me, fuck, fuck. And I was thinking it’s a sign, I’ve got to say something. And my dad was, like, loading up the car and then it turned out his car was right next to our car so then he stood there, we stood there, and I’m thinking, Well we spent five days surfing together… My heart was going *pounds on chest,* Shit, shit, shit. And then I just turned to him, like really suddenly, like I basically must have gone, Say something now, but I hadn’t planned what I’d say. And I sort of panicked, turned to him, and I went, “It’s an honour surfing with you, man.” And as soon as I said it, I wanted to cry. And I immediately turned back and I jumped in the car and said to my dad, “Drive, drive drive!” And poor Steve Martin was just like *shrugs with dumbfounded face,* he went like that, and then we went screeching out and he went, “Hi.” And I wanted to cry for – I mean, I’ve never really gotten over that. That was the last time I was happy.

Notes

Kickstarter: Jay Murphy writes, “Andrew McCaldon read some gissing now.”

Kickstarter: Lee Blackshaw writes, “I took my then girlfriend to see Someone Likes Yogurt to test her humour. Ten years later we’re still together and I have a one year-old baby. So remind Jo Cooper that she’s both lovely but also a fucking idiot.”

Kickstarter: Toby Perman’s question was not asked to Bridget Christie in the previous episode: “If you had to work for a lad’s magazine for five years, which one would you choose and why? And do you think this would be better or worse than the Daily Mail?”

Desert Island Dicks: Richard Branson, Richard Osman, Richard Gere, my mate Richard, Richard who ran the farm that Bridget Christie worked on