Title: A Stopped Clock is Right About Ted Heath
Original Record Date: July 20, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 16, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: September 15, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
Who has just been sick in the back of his throat as he was doing a wee.
I was down at the skateboard rink. The rink where they do skateboarding. I was doing some skateboarding around. Some of the kids – they didn’t know it was me, they were all listening on their Sony Walkmans.
Guest Best Known
For coming 4th on proper Mastermind.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Unnamed during Desert Island Dicks, suggested taking Richard Simmons
What would it take for you to fellate the actor Keith Allen?
Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?
You make it sound like that’s a dilemma. The second guy’s got a face and I’m a face guy, as I told you. And then secondly, it’s a threesome. So it’s not a difficult choice, really. It is the second ’cause I’m a face guy.
Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?
I’d like a computer programmer to come up with a programme where if somebody tweets, “Thank you, Katie Hopkins. You’re just saying what we’re all thinking,” they drop down dead. Some sort of cyber terrorist attack. Anyone who goes, “Dapper Laughs is such a legend. OMG.” If they could drop down dead as well that would be great. *RH mentions it’s to terrorists’ benefit to keep them alive.* Well, it certainly allows people to hate Western civilization. It fosters a hatred of Western civilization which drives these extremists, and apparently according to David Cameron, a couple of months ago.
Do you ever get mistaken for a different celebrity?
I do get mistaken for a guy whose name I don’t know on Dragon’s Den, who I don’t think is on Dragon’s Den at the moment. I just spent a weekend at Newcastle, and this stag group, one of them went, “You’re that guy from Dragon’s Den“. And I kind of wanted to go, “I’m checking into the Holiday Inn Express. Do you think the guy from Dragon’s Den would be checking into the Holiday Inn Express in Newcastle? And then this guy in a gay bar later on that night came up to me and went, “I know you. Uh, you’re that guy who works at Silverlink McDonald’s”. And I said to him, “I am. Please don’t tell anyone that I’m in this bar, because nobody knows about this part of my life”. And he said, “Don’t worry, Muhammad. Your secret’s safe with me”.
What is the secret of happiness?
I’m very happy, yeah. I’m very, very happy. And the secret to happiness is to have limited ambitions. And to never look at what Chowdhry might be earning. A combination of those two. No, you’ve gotta – I’ve never been a particularly ambitious person and I’ve never had a long-term plan. When one of my agents said, “What’s your five-year plan?” I nearly burst out laughing. I don’t even know what I’m going to be doing this Christmas, let alone in five year’s time. And I made a decision a while back, not least when I didn’t pay my [dues] to the general medical council in February 2007 to go, this is your change to sever your ties with medicine and never go back. I’ve kind of gambled and taken risks and not really thought too much about the long-term future for quite a while. So my default position is: this has got to work, otherwise I’m completely fucked. And so getting this job on The Chase, doing two jobs that I love as opposed to one I was shit at makes me very happy. I was single for 20 years, I’ve not got a UKIP-voting boyfriend. Don’t knock it, the sex is amazing. He likes to pretend that he’s the late Margaret Thatcher and that I’m the British manufacturing industry in the 1980’s. But also it depends on a lot of other people, doesn’t it? I am that classic Asian son in that I want my parents to be happy with what I’m doing. And them being happy with what I’m doing and them liking my boyfriend are big parts of me being happy. And having my sister give birthday to a lovely little boy, Leo, because it’s just the two of us. So then me knowing that there is another generation of Sinha’s and that I didn’t ruin it for my mum and dad completely. And that they do have a grandkid makes me very happy. And genuinely I don’t get consumed with unhappiness in the way that I used to when I was a very bitter, frustrated, promiscuous, hopelessly single, borderline alcoholic gay man. You know what? What I do know is that comedians don’t have the answers to anything. This is a job and our opinions don’t count for shit and we shouldn’t believe that they do. They’re just a mechanism by which we try and make people laugh. And realizing that makes me happy, I suppose. But there’s no secret to happiness, other than to not get too frustrated or bitter or angry or drunk just because something doesn’t go your way because eventually things, if you work reasonably hard, it will start going your way. Life is a lot down to luck. A lot down to luck and good fortune. And you’ve just got to remember that, really.
RH describes the sub-plot of this series as him coming to terms with where he is in his career.
Desert Island Dicks: Little Richard, Richard Osman, Richard Attenborough, Richard Desmond, Richard the Lionheart, Richard Whiteley, Richard Ayoade, Richard Hadley, Richie Benaud
PS reveals that he used to fancy RH.