Title: Rear Window
Original Record Date: September 27, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 15, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: October 14, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
Who is very disturbed about certain people who are trying to stop robot sex from happening and that has become a big news story, I think, as a result of this podcast.
I was down at the skateboard park. Just on the south bank.
Guest Best Known
As Caleb in CBBC’s Mission: 2110.
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Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a dead animal?
I don’t think I can.
Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a live animal? And which would be worse?
Oh, which would be worse? That’s an interesting thing. No, on either occasion. Although I did – I had a friend when I was about 14, a girl, who said that she used to get her dog to, um… But morally or sort of ethically speaking, is it better to put your junk in the mouth of a dead pig or a live pig? Yeah, they are both quite bad. I think ethically speaking it’s alright to do it to a dead pig provided you then eat the pig. Do you know what I mean? You’re getting the most… Otherwise it’s like you’re throwing away a load of usable pig carcass. I think it’s disrespectful. *RH said it’s alright if the pig has died from natural causes, but not if it was murdered.* With your cock. You suffocated it.
What is worse, bestiality or necrophilia?
What is worse? When I was a teenager me and my housemates used to play a video games called Super Bomberman. You might know it. You run around a maze and you light bombs and they blow up. And whenever my friend Spencer Cummings killed – whenever his bomb man killed by bomb man – your dead one would flash on screen for a couple of seconds, giving him just enough time to get up and run past it back and forth, with his mouth making this noise *makes sucking noise*, which he suggested was him wanking into the corpse of my bomber man in a move he called the oral necro masturbating. So, in answer to your question, what’s worse, well, did you kill… So necrophilia with a dead human. Yeah, I think it’s worse… Anything where the thing is alive and unconsenting is definitely worse. Yeah, because animals want to… if they back onto you?
Why can’t everyone be babies?
It would… What, everyone immediately, with all the existing infrastructure suddenly became a baby? I think that would be great. It would be carnage, wouldn’t it? There’d be, like, one evil king baby who’s bigger and tougher and smashed all the other babies. It would save the world because all of the people would die. All the – all the babies would die… *RH describes a possible movie plot involving all humans becoming babies.* Quite difficult to cast. Can you imagine the baby that would play The Rock, who dislikes the hero, Dwayne Johnson? The baby version of him? Just all chin. So what you’re imagining is actually an apocalyptic event, whereby rather than, like, lava or a meteor, everyone turns into babies and then dies after a few hours. Could we all be babies except each one of us has a sort of Baymax-esque care robot that looks after us? So everyone is babies but we are kept alive. *RH asks whether in this scenario they grow up or stay babies.* I think stay, because otherwise it’s a series reboot on the world, isn’t it?
What is the worst emergency you’ve ever been involved in?
The worst emergency? God. Oh, I don’t know. I was in a pub that got hit by a car. I mean that’s just not a thing, is it? But it was; it happened. I was in a pub – I was in the Montague Arms, do you know it? It’s in southeast London. Ludicrous pub where they’ve got stuffed a zebra pulling a rickshaw and crocodiles and stuff. I was in and a car came skidding around the corner, slammed into the side of the pub, and then drove off. Because it had obviously knicked or something. And I’m quite good in a crisis, so I immediately – like, everyone else was like, “What’s on?” And I was outside writing down the reg on my hand with a biro. Um, but I wasn’t really involved. *RH asks if the culprit was apprehended.* I don’t know; I went back inside and had a macaroni and cheese.
Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?
Can I make a rhetorical question that might reveal my answer? Well, I don’t know how to phrase it now, this is confusing. No, I’m going to answer it. I’m going to answer it. I think that both have happened. I think they’ve probably changed the recipe and I think you’ve changed because you went all kind of diet-y and change your life-y, didn’t you? So probably you’re more saturated fats taste differently. They used to be a treat, didn’t they? Whereas now, you’re rolling in them. Sixty grams worth of Kettle Chips on Kickstarter. Do I have to compare – have I got to think of a food from now… I don’t know. I’m not really a foodie. I like, uh, I like a pad thai. So I suppose I’d go back 1,000 years and find out what pad thais were like.
Thanks Kickstarter contributors.
SG gives RH a Comedian’s Comedian bib as a baby gift.
SG lives with Nish Kumar in the house behind RH’s.