Title: A Bad Dream
Original Record Date: September 27, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 22, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: October 21, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
Who’s never had his marmite-y penis licked by a cat.
Guest Best Known
As Various from Robert’s Web.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Like
Member Member Note N/A N/A
Has anything you’ve written then come true?
*RH references Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror episode “The National Anthem” as an example.* Oh yeah. God, he’s like Nostradamus, isn’t he? No, because I write, you know stupid stuff. Things that couldn’t possibly – or just dull things.
Why can’t everyone be babies?
Because, well we’d all die out, wouldn’t we? You wouldn’t even – you’re not conscious when you’re a baby, are you? Oh no. No. No. *RH claims that babies are conscious.* You’re not, you’re not. You’re not. I don’t think that I was fully conscious until I was about nine.
Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a dead animal?
Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?
What is happening? Bring back Parkinson. Well they didn’t have much in the olden days, did they? They just had pies. It would probably have less salt and preservatives. Yeah.
What song would you like to replace our national anthem with?
No, it’s awful, isn’t it? I wouldn’t have sung it. Nope. *RH asks even if DM was leader of the Labour Party.* Yep, even if I was. What would I have? I’d have, uh… I believe that children are the future.
Do you have conceptual art ideas?
Well, I used to. I nearly went to art school. Yeah, it was either drama school or art school and at the last second I decided to go to drama school. But I painted a lot in the past. Oil paints, portraits; sold a lot of stuff. *RH asks what the subject matter was.* Faces. I’m quite good. I might go back to that at some point. You know, when it all goes tits-up.
Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?
Oh right, yeah. Yeah. *RH makes point about dildos being male sex robots with the rest of the robot removed.* Yeah, but he knows about it. And then it’s the same one all the time. So I think it’s different; it’s it’s like, you’re sleeping with loads of different robots. *RH says there wouldn’t be loads.* So you’ve got your own, personal robot? She knows about it… well that would be fine. Yeah. I’m sure she’d rather the robot then… you know. Your poor wife.
Have you ever seen a bigfoot?
Have you ever come up with a terrorist atrocity?
No, I wouldn’t know how to do that. I can’t even drive. Yeah, drive over people. Back over… No.
What is worse, bestiality or necrophilia?
Animals. Yeah, definitely. bestiality. I think so, because they’re alive, aren’t they? And you know… I don’t know; maybe they’d enjoy it. Yeah no, I’m going with the other one. Necrophilia, that’s worse.
Why can’t everyone be babies?
I don’t think it’d work, no. We’d starve to death! *RH states that it would not matter.* It sort of does though; we’d die out.
What is your favourite towel?
Yeah, I think everyone does. Yeah, well when you first buy them, they don’t sort of absorb, do they? You have to wash them a few times. You know, if you first buy a towel, when you first use it the first few times it just moves the water around, doesn’t it? It doesn’t soak it up. So you’ve got to find one that’s, like, a good few months. Not too old but not to new, you know, and it’s a good size. I like a bath sheet.
Desert Island Dicks: Richard III, Richard Attenborough
Kickstarter: Hugh O’Sullivan said, “What is the most criminal act you committed as a child?”
RH says that, of the Muppets, he’d like to sleep with Janice.
RH reveals that he’s been asked to be an ambassador for Marmite.
DM asks RH who his first celebrity crush was.