Title: The Centurion
Original Record Date: October 4, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: October 29, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: October 28, 2015
Please Welcome a Man
Whose wife has been vomiting all night long, he hasn’t had any sleep, and is quite worried he’s picked up whatever bug she had, so may vomit on you during the show tonight.
I was at a pop concert, a Mick Jagger concert.
Guest Best Known
As the host of Gas.
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Have you ever seen a ghost?
Well, that’s a good question because I don’t think I have seen a ghost. Well, I know I haven’t because they don’t exist, but we did… My mum and dad used to let us do ouija boards. […] In those days the pub used to close in the afternoon, sometimes you’d have a lock, wouldn’t you? And the locals would stick around and we’d shut all the windows and it would be all dark and that. And my mum and dad used to do the glass, upside down; the Ouija board thing. And, uh, because it was the 1970’s we were allowed to join in, which is odd thinking about it but they, “Oh, doesn’t matter. Bit of fun.” And so we contacted the spirits, because it soon starts moving, doesn’t it? And my dad was after a hidden document. I don’t know why, something to do with a legal case. He had to find that hidden document. That document that he could not find anywhere. That’s all I know about the story. It sounds more interesting than it actually is. But this spirit said, “It’s in the attic.” He hadn’t even been asked the question. “It’s in the attic.” It wasn’t in the fucking attic. We didn’t have an attic, but that’s not the point. Something was telling us it was somewhere high-up but we hadn’t even asked it a question. Just said, “Hello, is anyone there?” “It’s in the attic.” Kind of thinking that my dad was desperately trying to find this document. I say “document,” I mean “stash of porn”. *RH points out that ghost wasn’t necessarily referring to the pub attic.* Might have been the shop attic. You never know. And then we tried it. We did the one where you join your fingers, a seance. And we were – we were in a different pub then, we moved around. And this pub had a big stairwell that led up to the top and whilst we were doing the seance, a roll of wallpaper came whizzing across the floor from below. So it went (makes wooshing noise* and then shot across the floor. It could only have happened if some spirit had done it or … my mum had thrown it. Well now you would say, “Well, I think my money’s on your mum,” but we were kids and for years afterwards I said, “Come on, tell me.” She still, “I promise you, I didn’t throw throw that thing up the stairs.” And turns out she fucking did. So I don’t believe in ghosts but I believe in lying mothers.
Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a dead animal?
No, weirdly I haven’t, but I have genuinely, dressed as a dead pig. Yeah, when David Cameron did it to me.
Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a live animal? And which would be worse?
Well, I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that; I really don’t. Because I would say that one is bestiality and one if necrophilia and bestiality. I’d say, on the whole – if you excuse the pun – on the whole, I would say try as best you can to avoid both. If we take nothing from this show, can we please take that? It’s like the end of the Jerry Springer Show, isn’t it? “Just remember: never put your genitals in the mouth of a pig, live or dead.” If you had to do one or the other I would probably suggest maybe dead, because then the pig’s not suffering.
Desert Island Dicks: Richard Osman, Richard the Lionheart, Dick McCourt, Rick Astley, Rik Mayall, Richard Hammond
LM was unaware that he gets paid for appearing on the podcast.