Title: I’ve Never Stabbed Anyone… Oh No, I Have

Soundcloud Time: 1:00:35
Youtube Time: 1:00:48

Original Record Date: October 4, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 4, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: November 4, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s going to beg you for permission to cum.

Cool Kids

Guest Best Known
As Maris MacKinnon from River City.


Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Alice in the front row
had been sitting further back but moved up
stays at home with kids during the day
husband sitting nearby

Emergency Questions

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Yes! You know my ghost story. Well I don’t know if I’ve seen a ghost, but I was in the – you played that room as well – Edinburgh Festival there’s a venue called the Underbelly down on the Cowgate, does anybody know it? Yep, well it’s a creepy old building. It’s where people died. I don’t care what anybody said, folks died there. And I think they kept the dead bodies there during the plague or whatever, whatever, whatever. But it’s a creepy, creepy, creepy old venue and it’s a stage, there was a black curtain and the the wall behind that black curtain there was like that *holds fingers an inch or two apart”. There was literally no backstage. And I was doing this play I wrote called The Point of Yes and it was about when drugs came to the east end of Glasgow and I played the two characters because it was never going to be a happy musical, was it? So I played the two characters. To cut a long story short, every now and then I had to stand behind that curtain and then come out. The audience were there like you’re there; go behind that black curtain, stand and wait for the lights to change, and come out. And one day I stood behind the curtain – just an ordinary day, I’ve been doing this play every single day, there was nothing different about this day – there was this… What was that shit that used to run down the walls? It was, like, rust or something. It was horrible. And I stood behind the curtain; the curtain was against my face, just so close and my head’s against the wall. That’s how narrow it was. And I was waiting for the cue then I just, not thinking about it, wasn’t thinking to myself, Oh this is creepy, just going to myself, Right, this is the next scene, yeah. And then I just felt something really close to my face and I thought, I am not fucking turning my head. Because if I turn my head and I see a disembodied face I’m gonna scream. And I don’t believe in ghosts so this is a whole load of shit, but I could feel something. And I could feel my face being touched and I’m like, Please hurry up with the lights. And then I heard this, *very quiet voice* “Janey.” Just this voice right beside me and I thought, Okay, I’ve got schizophrenia, that’s great. What a time for that to kick in. This thing was there. There was something there. I literally just went on; I rattled through the next scene. And the whole time I was doing the scene I knew I had to go fucking back there and I’m like, “I don’t want to go back there!” Like, “Yes, isn’t this an interesting play?” And then I had to go back and then the next scene I didn’t go behind the curtain, I just stood against the wall. And the techie and the director’s going *shrugs* and I wanted to say, “There’s a phantom behind the curtain!” But I couldn’t because it was a paying audience. So, it was creepy, Richard. I don’t know what it was. Maybe it was my heightened sense or my imagination, but something went, *very quiet voice* “Janey.”

Have you ever put your genitals in the mouth of a live animal? And which would be worse?

I have known drug addicts who have injected in their eye […] so the morals – can I just tell you very quickly, I told my dad, “Did you know that David Cameron put his penis in a dead pig’s mouth?” And my dad’s old and he’s got dementia and he turned to the carer and said, “What do you make of that David Cameron, putting his cock in a dead kid?” And I never corrected him. I just let that hang. And Glaswegians being Glaswegians just went, “Yeah, no.” They just expected that. Well yeah, I would put my genitals in a live pig’s mouth. Yeah, why fucking not? What’s the worst that could happen to me? Really? Like his arse would explode or something? No, don’t care. Don’t care. I think the fact that David Cameron – and by the way, he did it. There are pictures that’s why he’s not denying it.

Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?

I would like to go back to the ’70’s and taste again, and I think it was good at the time, people still eat it, was a Vesta curry that was dried in a box. Took you about seven hours to boil it. It was forever. It was reconstituted from dried meat and raisins and then you boiled it for about five hours and it was convenience food. Forever. I think that would stand up to the test of time to your curry that you can buy off a van. Because you know the wee vans that sell curries. I think it would to me, for the first time ever tasting a dried Vesta curry was like magical. I’m Glaswegian and the diet was just, like, vegetables. That’s it.


RH tries to record audience members with the handheld camcorder but it goes out of focus.