Title: A Series of Apologies

Soundcloud Time: 1:22:53
Youtube Time: 1:22:01

Original Record Date: November 28, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: February 17, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: February 17, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who has had two 8 year-old girls at the penis-level of his naked penis. It was alright though.

Cool Kids
A lot of 8 year-old girls would hang around at eye-level.

Guest Best Known
For his work on Behind the Scenes of Topless Dance on Ice on ITV.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Zowie shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
RH had previously told her not to look at him
has a Union Jack bag
works for a housing association
RH realized he’s spoken to her before and moved on
Steph shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
RH compliments his shirt
tests software for a living
says that the best software tested this week was “broadcasting stuff”
states that he is happy with the way his life’s turned out

Emergency Questions

If you could have a hand made of bacon or a cock made out of herring, which would you prefer?

There is a very clear answer to this, which is you’d have the hand made out of bacon because herring is a very particular taste. You know, most people don’t like herring, whether it’s a live herring, a pickled herring, a grilled herring. If what you’re saying is you like oral sex, and most people do, why would you want to live in the possibility of oral sex to a handful of Icelandic people. So it’s a hand made of bacon. Bacon is delicious.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*.

Yeah. So there’s a South Norfolk MP Richard Bacon. I wonder if he ever gets confused for me. I wonder if they ever don’t let him into the House of Commons. Gets dragged away by the Parliamentary Police. Um, I do. I mean, sometimes I get his mail. So yeah, South Norfolk MP and I get his mail and occasionally I write back. It’s a fascinating insight into the world of being an MP because, you know, people writing about how their pipes are leaking from their house. I mean, I think that is the reality of being a backbench MP.

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*.

*In this instance, HMS Richard Bacon.* Is there a ship called HMS Richard Bacon? How could I not know that?

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*.

No, but I love that you’ve done this research: “I typed Richard Bacon into Google.” Into Wikipedia? Okay, thanks. It’s quite moving. And quite boring.

If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?

Well this requires a level of knowledge of Spitting Image that I don’t really have. Because I would need to know who did the voices of each. Properly, I need to give you a serious and thoughtful answer. Um, I need to give the answer it deserves, Richard. Yeah, let’s come back next week. The Roy Hattersley puppet was funny.

Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?

Gosh, that’s interesting. That’s really good. *RH mentions he would also like to return to the 1970’s to try bacon.* Why would it have been better in the 1970’s? It was pumped full of water then. This is a bit like one those Giles Coren/Sue Perkins cooking shows. I refer you to the answer I gave earlier, which is it was my 40th birthday party last night, I went to bed at 7:00am, I’m not sure I even slept then. I’we basically come straight here from there, having had a couple more beers on the way, and I just don’t have the brain capacity to think about what food now I would compare with a foodstuff from the past. It’s not happening.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Do you think I believe in ghosts? *RH states that you don’t have to believe in ghosts to have seen one.* Yeah, you do. [That] does make any sense. You have to believe in ghosts to have seen a ghost. […] For you to see a ghost you have to believe it’s a ghost, therefore you believe in ghosts. So if you don’t believe in ghosts you’ve never seen a ghost, Richard.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

“B” in capital letters? Right, no.

What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?

That’s quite a nice thought. Have you answered that question yourself? *RH advises he would select Bouncer the dog from Neighbours.* Does Bouncer count as a celebrity? Uh, Tina Hobley. I think someone applauded that? Thanks. I slightly pulled the name out of thin area/I used to have a sarcastic feature on XFM called “Tina Hobley,” in which my friend would impersonate Tina Hobley and I would call my friend impersonating her and I would say, “Hello Tina, how are you?” And she would tell me how she was. And that was the entire basis of the, of the whole feature. It was very good. I wouldn’t say that show ever won an award. That would obviously be an exaggeration. But Tina Hobley is my answer.

Notes

RH checks audience to see if Jijun is in again, but he has apparently returned to India. RH notes that like current audience member Steph, Jijun also tests software for a living.

At time of recording it is RB’s last day in his thirties.

RH advises that in the bacon hand/herring cock question, the herring would be a living herring.

RB demonstrates how he can “breathe” out of his eye.

Desert Island Dicks: Richard Dawkins, Richard Dimbleby, Richard Madeley

RH spit water all over the stage during an imitation of Roy Hattersley.