Title: Weeing Next to a Monkee

Soundcloud Time: 1:19:25
Youtube Time: 1:19:17

Original Record Date: June 6, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: June 15, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: June 15, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
The big question everyone’s asking is this series which Rich will it be? Will it be fat Rich or slightly less fat Rich? He’s a man who spent his Saturday morning kneeling on the floor between Bonnie Langford and a woman off of Towie, pretending to move a small piece of paper around as if it was a human being. I think that happened.

Cool Kids
Down at the disco. There were some kids on roller blades. They had headbands on.

Guest Best Known
For the Channel 5 show Cats Make You Laugh at Loud.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

Would you rather date a woman who was a 6-foot tall vulva, or a woman who instead of having a vagina had another tiny woman in her place?

Has the tiny woman got a vagina? *RH advises that there are infinite women.* Has the giant vulva got, like, arms? *RH wavers on this point.* If it has arms I would say the giant vulva. I’m a big fan of the finger up the bum. And if she hasn’t got arms then I’ll go for the woman with the infinite number of women vaginas.

BBC: Have you got what it takes to be a spy?

Yes. No, you’re not getting anymore. See, that’s how good I am at spying; I don’t talk. I just give the answer and I stop. I’ve told him everything. No, I haven’t.

BuzzKenya.com: Is there anything purple within ten feet of you?

Penis, yes. Very nice. Who is that question meant for? Is that what a blind person would be asking to you? No, there’s not.

ThoughtCatalogue.com: What trajectory are you hoping to push yourself onto?

Does that mean sexual? Imagine if you’re going on a date though and you’re so shit at dating that you have to go on ThoughtCatalogue.com. Fuck, what am I going to ask her? I know, ThoughtCatalogue.com. And they just write them down and they go, “Right, I’m just going to nip off to the toilet.” *Mimes reading.* “What trajectory do you see…” *Looks straight up as if addressing another.* “What trajectory do you see yourself going on?”

MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?

Yes, I have. I don’t like the fish, I like the other stuff. I don’t like the fish so much. My youngest boy, we like going to Yo! Sushi, but only on a Monday. Blue Monday because it’s much, much cheaper, otherwise it costs a fortune. And he’ll get all the ones with the fish on it and he’ll take the fish off and just eat the rice. Won’t even touch the fish.

LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?

Do you want me to say spunk or shit or something? What do you want me to say? Spunk or shit or something? Is that what you want? I’ll say it. You want me to say spunk or shit. Alright, spunky shit. Is that what you want, Herring? I’ll perform for you, I’m your monkey.

HelloGiggles.com: If you had the option of adopting a baby fox or a baby koala, which one would you choose?

Koalas are nasty. *RH points out that foxes are nasty,* Oooh… koala. Why would you have either of those? I don’t like animals. Okay, fox.

What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?

I like all the big, popular ones. The science museum – the last time I was at the science museum there was an asshole of a woman though. Yeah, there was a really nasty woman. I had my two little boys, they were only six and four years old, and they were playing on this thing, right? And I’m really conscious of – too conscious – of my kids not having too many go’s on things when there are other children waiting to play on them and stuff, right? So we were waiting ages and ages while these little kids had, like, fifteen, twenty go’s on this thing. And my boys were having their go’s and they were on their third go. And I could see this woman with her kids and I said, “Alright, guys, one more go after this and then we’re gonna – short, little game – then we’ll let the next people have a go.” And she said, this woman said really loudly, “Oh, what rude children you’ve got. Not letting people have a go.” I went, “Sorry, I beg your pardon?” She went, “Look at your rude children, just they’ve been stood there for ages.” And I said, “I beg your pardon? This is just their fourth go.” “Oh, you’re a terrible father.” And then I did – and then I did a thing that – I was fucking furious, right? Really furious. But I didn’t want to argue in front of my kids, right? And she was just going shouting really loudly, “Oh, look at these – ” And I did this thing and I really wish I hadn’t done it. I got my phone out and started filming her, right? And then she got her phone out and started filming me. And so we’re stood there like this *mimes holding out telephone*. Filming each other, and then we have this massive argument and I say, “How dare you criticize my children?” “Well, you’re a very rude man.” And then my youngest started crying and the eldest got very upset, and I’m holding the youngest. And this woman was shouting at me. Her children were ugly as well; really ugly children. And I didn’t say that – I could have said it – and I didn’t say it. In the end I just went, “Look, look at my boy, he’s crying, I hope you’re proud of yourself.” I walked off. So, the science museum.

Notes

It’s Fat Rich.

RH reveals that he will be playing three frames of Me 1 vs. Me 2 snooker live at the Tempting Failure International Festival of Performing Arts.

An interviewer recently asked Jodie Foster the ham hand/sun cream dispenser question. Jodie Foster selected the sun cream dispenser.

In light of Jodie Foster interviewer question thief, RH steals a variety of questions himself.

RH suggests forming a double act with IL, which would be called Iain and Richard.

Addresses “beef” between IL and RH/Stewart Lee. IL and RH shake hands at the end of the episode.

BuzzKenya.com questions taken from a list of icebreakers suggested by the website.