Title: Things To Do In Willesden When You’re Alive

Soundcloud Time: 1:31:30
Youtube Time: 1:31:33

Original Record Date: June 13, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: July 6, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: July 6, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who has not had sex with Robert the Robot (not yet).

Cool Kids
I was down at the arcade playing Space Invaders and Pac-Man. One of the kids on the Gauntlet II machine. He was really good at it.

Guest Best Known
As Pithy Nom de Plume from Little Howard’s Big Question.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Worse
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
David Frew shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting next to his “young friend,” as RH calls him
Dan shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
given the opportunity to have sex with any robot, Dan probably wouldn’t
clapper board man
had previously given RH a clapper board
RH suggests sending BBS home and interviewing Dan instead
Dan says that if BBS isn’t being interviewed he’ll go and see Bridget Christie instead

Emergency Questions

Would you rather date a woman who was a 6-foot tall vulva, or a woman who instead of having a vagina had another tiny woman in her place?

Volvo or vulva? A tiny woman? So you have to search for her? Yeah, I just think the big vagina would be more gross. I love vagina, let’s not get that twisted. I love it. I mean, I absolutely love it, I adore it. Um, but, like, a 6-foot one to stand inside? I think it would be creepy. That said, it would also be creepy to insert my penis into this little crevice, this curtain crevice, and then have two tiny hands jerk me off – that would be fucking creepy as well. That would be creepy, but I think I could normalize it more than the big vagina.

LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?

From what height? *RH advises it would be off a diving board.* I’d go for marshmallows, man. I love the feel of them. I used to dream about being able to pull endless ones from my pocket, when I was a little fat kid. I love ’em toasted. They just, they do it for me, marshmallows. So I think I’d go for marshmallows, man. That’d be a horrific way to die. Like, you’re enjoying it for a while and then, “Not like this!”

Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?

Yes, and weirdly it was the first time ever. I don’t know why my parents restricted me from kite-flying, but I never flew one as a kid. But I flew one on Brighton Beach, last summer. Yeah, last year. It was very enjoyable. *RH asks about the type of kite flown.* Um, I don’t know. Some cheap one my kids got for Christmas. And they kept bugging me to fly it and I was like, “No, it’s not windy enough.” It probably was, I just couldn’t be asked to get out of the house. But we took it down to Brighton last summer and I did it and it’s really, really enjoyable. Except I’m so shit I nearly decapitated a couple of people that were, like, sat low-down. One of them was like a topless Swedish family. I was like, “What are you doing here?” It was a really weird sight, seeing a woman in her mid-40’s and her sort of late-teens, maybe early-20’s daughter, just topless. Brighton Beach, bro. On the rocks. I wouldn’t put my naked butt on those rocks.

Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever demolished a wall or a building?

I’ve definitely done both but the second one is probably more debatable. The first one, I definitely demolished a wall with my mates when I was about 15 when we were roaming around hurting things. Never people, we weren’t that type of group, but like we’d smash things up all the time. But, uh, I got a role in a thrilled in 2010 or 11, this HBO thing called Hunted. No one watched it, but I was, like, a hitman in it. I killed loads of people and there was one scene where I blew up an entire building; killed 200 people. And the way it just *makes explosion noise* collapsed was amazing. But technically I don’t think you could argue that was me.

Should penis transplants be allowed?

So what are we saying here? Transplanting a penis onto another man? Or are we talking about the switch? Are you talking about penis donating? Okay, so it’s not like, I’ve lost my penis in a horrific accident, I’m really good mates with Richard Herring… A dead guy’s dick? But it gets hard. But I supposed it is hard. It’s already hard, right? It must go hard, right? I would donate my dick, definitely. And you know what? I would go the whole nine yards. I would have a fluffer by my bedside for my final moments. Yeah, so at the very least a semi. Best case scenario, full-on wood. And then pass it on.

BBC: Have you got what it takes to be a spy?

I like to think I do. I like to think I do because if you think you can do stand up and acting, then you have a sort of natural bullshit ability. But, that said, like, when I’m not on stage I’m not this interesting. Like, I’m just not this interesting.I don’t always have the gift of the gab. I think that would concern me. And also I met a dude recently who I think – I thought – was a spy. And I spoke to his good friend and he goes, “Yeah, we’ve all thought he’s been a spy for, like, ten years.” And I was lik, “Give me details.” And he was like, “well, a lot of the time, he says, I’ve got to go,’ in the middle of a meal, and then he comes back two days later.” And they say, “Where the fuck did you go?” And he says, like, “Tajikistan.” “Why?” “Oh, I just had some shit I had to do.” These are his very close friends so I think he gives them enough so they don’t hate him, you know? Because he does disappear. Then I realized, I picked up the Guardian one day and he was on the front cover. Yeah, talking about how – it was just after Paris, the atrocities there – and he was talking about the levels of threat for this country and he – he’s not fully a spy but he’s, like, one of the leading experts and he’s the youngest in the world on, like, fighting terrorism. He’s a fucking cool guy. And I don’t think I could be him. He’s got an Italian name, you can look him up.

Do you ever worry that you have already lived your life and are now in a care home with Alzheimer’s disease and what you perceive as reality is just a distorted memory of the first time this happened.

Aw dude. Oh man. You can’t leave it on that, that’s… Killing me. That’s terrifying. If this was, like, twenty years ago and I was still smoking as much skunk as I did then, I would have just collapsed off the chair. Like that would have just ruined me. I’d like to think not, but who knows, man? Who knows?

BuzzKenya.com: Is there anything purple within ten feet of you?

What, now? I don’t know. It’s hard to see the audience. I guess someone’s wearing something purple. That lady’s wearing a purple cardigan, there you go.


On Soundcloud, guest is credited as Doc Brown.

On the Youtube, guest is credited as Ben Bailey Smith.

BBS previously died at the Leicester Square Theatre numerous times previously.

The vote regarding the United Kingdom European Union membership referendum (2016)/Brexit had taken place by the time this episode was aired.

RH states that part of this podcast’s aim is to understand the impulses and drives of successful people.