Title: Sushi Aquarium

Soundcloud Time: 1:24:27
Youtube Time: 1:24:40

Original Record Date: June 20, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: July 13, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: July 13, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who has been described by his own 16 month-old daughter in card-form as “my fantastic dad”.

Cool Kids
I was down at a 5ive gig the other day. And some of the fans of them, some middle-aged women now.

Guest Best Known
From the TV show I Love Muppets. You may also have seen him on Hole in the Wall.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: Unlike

Member Member Note
Andy McH gave update on the Wales v. Russia football game score

Emergency Questions

If you had to marry one of the Muppets, which one would you marry?

Ooh, it’s hard because – I feel a sense of duty. You need to consider the puppeteer. Because a massive fan of Frank Oz, you know, and the obvious choice would be Miss Piggy, I suppose, but then I think I wouldn’t want to upset Frank Oz, who would have to be involved if I were to have sex with… Yeah but, Miss Piggy could only give her consent if Frank was cool with it. Argh, you sullied the Muppets. You dirty sod.

Why do we have frozen peas?

I’ve always thought that we have frozen peas for those times in your life when something so sad has happened that they’re really the only conversation worth having. I think that’s what frozen peas are for. You know they pick and freeze them in under an hour. They just pick ’em, freeze ’em straight away and they’re better that way. And [fresh peas are] already not as nice as a straight-forward, frozen pea. They’re not. And also, if somebody’s really badly injured and you put fresh peas on, nothing. What that is is a garnish rather than medicine. My daughter’s finger was saved by frozen peas. Yeah, she cut her finger off. Yeah. She’s the kid – right, you know if your kids are playing and they’re playing with doors, and an adult goes, “Don’t play with doors.” When I say it I go and get my daughter and wave her hand in their face and go, “Don’t play with doors! That’s what happens if you play with doors.” *RH suggests keeping the finger detached would have been more effective.* They sowed a frozen pea on where the finger should have been. No, we saved the finger on a bag of frozen peas and they sowed it back on. Bloody NHS. *RH asks if they later ate the frozen peas.* Obvs. On the way back home. Something really traumatic had happened. It was the only conversation worth having, Rich.

What is the worst rumour you’ve heard about yourself?

I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you… It’s not really the worst rumour, but when Andre Vincent – he’s a very good stand up, good mate of yours and mine. I’ve known Vinny for years and we were doing a show together, we were doing a show, brilliantly, called The Award-Winning Show in Edinburgh. So my poster said, Marcus Brigstocke: The Award-Winning Show. Ah, which is why we came up with the show. Anyway, we needed some stuff fro my parents’ house and so we went down there to pick up some costumes and bits and pieces that I had down there and when Andre came back he told everybody, he said, “Yeah, I went down there and it – it’s as big as you’d think it’s going to be. It’s huge. We stayed the night and the next day after breakfast we were made to trim the maze.” And see? There’s not enough laughter but there isn’t a maze at my parents’ house. Yet, it’s still growing. No, said we were made to trim the maze and people were like, “I bloody knew it! I knew he was that posh. Is he, like, proper, like landed gentry?” No. Then once Vinny got a few bites, “Yeah, trimming the maze was quite fun to begin with, until the peacocks turned on us.” It’s hardly a bad rumour.

LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?

Water. Aw, I love swimming. Fantastic, definitely water. Also, historically proven to be a safe thing to jump into. I’d have almost no worries about that. Uh, but I – I really… Well, you did a show about it, but I love yogurt so much. So maybe yogurt.

BuzzKenya.com: Is there anything purple within ten feet of you?

Yeah. Part of you. *RH says it’s not that purple.* No, mine’s not either. Like, I think the purpleness of penii has been exaggerated. Like, some of them are purple, but I think they might be ones that are not very well. Oh yeah, I don’t know. So I’m circumcised, right? Are you? *RH is not.* The moment you said the word “purple,” now that Prince is dead, I knew that was all else there was. But I, yeah I am circumcised. Not for religious reasons – it was a bet.

Should penis transplants be allowed?

Are they still with the – I haven’t seen in terms of what’s possible – are they still suggesting it’s one each? I don’t have any ethical problem. If somebody needs a different penis for whatever reason… Or even if they’re just sick of it. Maybe they’ve broken it somehow. You know […] nice to have a change. *RH asks how MB would feel about getting a new penis, whether he’d want to approve the new penis.* Oh, that’s a good question. I don’t know. It would be very weird to get an uncircumcised penis at this stage of my life. I wouldn’t know where to start. I’d give it a go, you know. Yeah, I think I’d want to see them. I mean, if you go for a nose job you don’t just wake up and go, “Oh damn. This is good ’cause it’s tiny but I’m a huge man. This makes no sense. Or, you know, a slender, small woman going, “This nose is ridiculous. I look like Cyrano de Bergerac. And I feel it would be similar with a penis, especially if it were attached where the nose is supposed to be.

What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?

Oh, oh – my favourite is in a town called Fowey, down in Cornwall, where they used to – I think they still have a small version of the Du Maurier Literary Festival and I used to go do the Du Maurier Literary Festival every year; it was really, really good fun. They’ve got an aquarium there and it’s a really small aquarium, really tiny. And they’ve got blue lobsters. These great, big blue lobsters. And I went in there the first time and I saw them I was like, Oh, that’s great. That’s a huge blue lobster, fantastic. And I went back a while later with my kids and the blue lobster tank was empty. And I said the guy in there, I said, “Oh, where’s the blue lobster? What happened?” And he went, “Oh, my missus didn’t manage to get any dinner in last night, so we ate him.” And he said, “It’s alright; I’ll find another one in the water soon enough.” So that’s probably my favourite, just… That’s cool, isn’t it? It’s basically just a buffet.

If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?

Aw, that’s really difficult. Yeah, uh… It couldn’t be Thatcher. It couldn’t be Thatcher. Umm… It just couldn’t be Thatcher, could it? There’s no way it could be Thatcher. But, see, my memory of Spitting Image, mostly, are the Thatcher-Reagan sketches of them sort of getting off with each other. Neil Kinnock. I love Wales. *RH asks if Neil Kinnock would holiday in Wales.* Yes he would, definitely. Definitely. “Neil, we could go anywhere. Where should we go?” “Gower Peninsula!” Yeah, he’d fall over and lose the election again. By falling over. *RH asks who did the Neil Kinnock voice.* I don’t know. Phil Cornwell did lots of them, didn’t he? And Steve Coogan, probably. Coogan did tons of them. Ring him; ask. Not Steve Coogan; ring Neil Kinnock.

Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?

I am a big fan of the Kettle Crisp, but I think they’re too crisp. It’s like eating a bag of coins. They’d smash your teeth. Salsa and mesquite I always liked. *RH mentions preference for salt and vinegar.* Don’t dismiss my salsa… “Blecchhhh.” You sounded like a tired fly. Tea time? Dodo. Dodo. Come on! Like, there’s a reason – there are two reasons the dodo’s extinct. One, it was slow and flightless and easy to catch, but two, apparently delicious. *RH suggests that dodos were not delicious.* Not delicious? With the exception of an overhung grouse, I’ve never eaten a bird that wasn’t delicious. *RH elaborates on taking an equivalent item back to also sample.* Oh, I see, to see if it’s changed. Oh, I see. On every level: I was factually wrong, I misunderstood the question. Thank God we live in an age when we don’t need experts. This is exactly the kind of post-information answer I should be able to get away with giving. Ignore the data and biff on. Umm… Figgy pudding. And I’ll tell you why: because when figgy pudding was still in existence, it must have been phenomenal, because in a song they clearly state, “We won’t go until we’ve got some.” There’s a point – I love that song so much – because there’s a point where if you choose, you can make it really threatening. *Sings.* “We all want some figgy pudding / We all want some figgy pudding / We all want some figgy pudding…” Quite bright, quite jolly, isn’t it? *Sings in threatening manner.* “We won’t go until we’ve got some.” And it suddenly like, “Whoa, wait a minute. You’ve crossed the line. This is only a pudding. “No, we’re not leaving. We’re going nowhere until we’ve had figgy pudding.”

Notes

RH tells story about CW asking why we have frozen peas.

During the Muppet emergency question, RH frames it as having sex with a Muppet rather than marrying one.

RH adds Fenella Fielding to his celebrity shag list.

RH had previously told a story about Andre Vincent (who is referenced in a story by MB), stealing his towel while in Edinburgh.

An interviewer recently asked Moby the ham hand/sun cream dispenser question. Moby selected the sun cream dispenser because he liked having fingers. RH notes that the question thief asked it incorrectly, because Moby could retain his fingers with the ham hand.

MB tells story about audience member asking, “If you’re circumcised, when you’re masturbating is the first stroke away or towards?” RH added this to the list of emergency questions.

RH tells story about crank-calling Neil Kinnock.