Title: Beef Scarecrows

Soundcloud Time: 1:21:01
Youtube Time: 1:21:09

Original Record Date: October 11, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 12, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: November 12, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
*Robert Popper’s prank phone call to the Leicester Square Theatre plays.* Who’s apparently quite like marmite according to the people trying to sell the fucking tickets.

Cool Kids
I was down at the Arctic Monkeys gig.

Guest Best Known
As the assistant to the director from The Glam Metal Detectives. And he’s also best known as being Not Janine in Hot Fuzz.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Unnamed shown on RH’s hand-held camera
suggested meaning of the term “sterling” in relation to pounds

Emergency Questions

If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?

So I wouldn’t see the puppeteer; there would be a shelf or, like, a unit? Definitely Thatcher. Because she’s the only person I can 65% imitate. That’s it. Definitely Thatcher. Yeah, I think it would be fun because she’d be fucking annoying, wouldn’t she? Margaret Thatcher. Did she ever go on holiday? I reckon it would be somewhere in England but somewhere… Eastbourne, maybe. Eastbourne, what do you think? And I’d share a room as well, so just full-on?

Why do elephants have such low rates of cancer?

Is it something to do with lack of smoking and passive smoking? Because they’re quite a low smoking animal group, compared to animals. Yeah, animals live to quite old. They live to 400, don’t they?

Can you name another animal that is very cancer resistant?

Yeah, a millipede. No it is. Not it is. It really is.

Sport is intrinsically stupid. Discuss.

Well, I agree. Yeah. It is, it is, it is. I used to really like football and I like it less now. It’s just too long, as well, to watch. It’s 90 minutes. If it was 60 minutes or 40 minutes… *RH suggests watching the highlights.* Yeah, even they’re too long. They’re, like, 40 seconds. Maybe a 40 second game of football would be good. With like a faster ball that just goes *makes zigzagging motion with arm.* You know, that would be good. And when you do free kicks and the guys are standing in a line […] and you could line them up and see if the ball would go through them length-wise.

If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?

What, all the time? So that’s what you think, as Prime Minister you just – so my first day and here he is and he says, “Richard Herring, bawdy Marmite comedian who somehow has been elected. He never – he didn’t even stand for Prime Minister, he’s elected and […] you just open the drawer immediately just press the Button. Straightaway the red button. Right, not on TV. They’d know. *RH states that 40% they wouldn’t fire back.* So you’re just banking on them respecting you. That’s not a bad way to begin your Prime Ministerhood. Just gaining respect from – and then you can go to meetings and they just really respect you. They’ve all got bits of their face missing and stuff like that. Might as well use them. *RH says that you could just pretend to have them.* But that’s boring and a lot of work. It’s easier just to press the button. I’m with you on that. Can I be your Vice Prime Minister?

What is worse, bestiality or necrophilia?

What is worse? Is this a trick question? What is worse? You went to Oxford, didn’t you? What is worse? It’s funny you should say that, I was watching today there’s a documentary I was just flicking, it was on the war and it was an ex-Nazi […] and he was talking. After the war he ran a pig farm and it was weird. He was talking about the pigs, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The German pigs, that had 16 ribs compared to the Spanish – this does have a point – and uh, it’s not just about pigs, pig biology. And, um, he suddenly said, “When I was a kid I remember a very tall – I was five – handsome, German man took his penis out and waggled it around and I hid. Then he made love to the calves. And the calves didn’t seem to mind.” He just said that, this man. And then he just talked about pigs and being a Nazi. I don’t know why it was in there. It was just, why did he say it? He said, “I never told anyone. Not even my mother.” Can you imagine telling your mother that one? But I’m evading the question. Oh, I don’t know. Animals is worse. And dead animals. Out of all of them, dead animals is the best.

Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?

That’s a good one. Oh God. *RH mentions RP’s pranks as possibly being crimes.* Well, my wife was worried that. She said, “You’re going to get caught and it’s going to be in the local paper.” I said, “I want to be caught and I want it to be in the local paper. That is my aim, to be caught and be in the local paper.”

Notes

At 1:28 Robert Popper’s name fades away and Diane Morgan’s name appears in the title credits.

RH asks RP variant on the robot cheating question, but with a puppet.

Before the show RP came into town without any money. His wife had sent some money and sandwiches in a car and they turned up towards the end of the recording (shown on RH’s handheld camcorder).

RH had wanted to ask RP about Desert Island Dicks, but time ran out/RP’s sandwiches arrived.