Title: The Former Queen of Angola

Soundcloud Time: 1:02:43
Youtube Time: 1:02:35

Original Record Date: October 11, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: November 18, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: November 19, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who’s worried he’s eaten a lot of weevils by mistake.

Cool Kids
N/A

Guest Best Known
As Samira from Crackanory.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Paul shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
wearing a t-shirt that says “Police”
drinking beer with a straw
works in IT
RH correctly guessed that he works in IT
Jennifer shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting with Paul
works in communications
Jennifer and Paul both working in housing

Emergency Questions

If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?

I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t use them, I don’t think. I don’t think. Well yeah, it’s just a waste of money. It just seems ridiculous.Yeah, I mean, I don’t think I’m qualified to answer that question but I think – I think I’d probably just not use them. Not use them, yeah. Maybe to give the world a nice fireworks display. Put that into space and be like, “Hey! Everybody have a day off. Look! Woo!”

Have you committed any crimes you have not previously admitted to?

What crimes have I gotten away with? Um, I do like stealing. When I was younger I used to steal quite a lot. I used to steal mascara and then I got caught and, um, I started crying and blamed it on the fact that my granny died three years ago. Um, that was quite fun. I stole some photograph paper from PC World when I used to work – I used to do promotional work and be like, “Oh, check out this printer.” And I, um, stole some photograph paper. And one time I was working in a bar in Zante and we used to give everybody free shots, like free shots, free shots, free shots. And, um, I gave someone a free shot and the guy gave me five pounds or whatever for the shot and rather than being like, “Oh no, sir, it’s free. Like, you don’t need to pay me for the shot,” I put it in my pocket and was like, free five pounds, amazing. Then the manager saw me steal it, called me over and was like, “What have you just done? I just saw you steal. You stole not only from the guy, you stole from me, you stole from the bar. You need to give the five pounds back and you’re fired.” And, um, I went to leave, and as I was leaving I just picked up some glasses and put them back and then I just got the dish cloth and came back and wiped the table, and then I just kept working. And then at the end of the day he didn’t pay me but he invited me back the next day. So I got fired and worked my way back into a job.

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

No. Yeah, it’s nobody’s business. Yeah. *RH asks if LO could make CW see reason.* Yeah, I will lend her a sex machine. There are sex machines like robots. Do you know, I did a festival in Toronto and it was sponsored by the company that made them. They gave all the comedians a free one, apart from me. I was the only girl on the bill and they were like, “We didn’t think you’d want it.” Charming. No, if you’re going to give the boys one give me one. Like equality, come on now.

Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?

But also, do you remember Brannigan’s Beer Nuts with the skin on? Aw, they used to be amazing. You can’t get them anywhere now. Gutted. They were so good. I would go back to 1994 to Farnham Recreation Centre, swimming on a Sunday, 2:00pm, when I would go with my brothers and my stepdad, and he would go to the bar and he would get us all a pack of Brannigan’s Beer Nuts and then I could go here, it’s some shitty, salted fucking bullshit, overpriced, small-packaged, shitty, out-of-date, fucking peanuts. Whereas in 1994 they’d give you a fucking bag. They were so good. And the skin would come off. And the only place I found them recently was in an airport in Sydney. I found a bag. And I bought loads but then I wasn’t allowed them on the plane. Fucking dickheads. I’ll be back, Sydney. I’ll come get you.

What is the worst emergency you’ve ever been involved in?

I don’t think I myself – touch wood – have ever been involved in an emergency. I did have – I was doing a gig once, right? And this guy was being a dick. I thought he was being a dick, so I kind of, um, was a dick back to him. And then the audience started chanting, “Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!” And I was like, Charming, what have I done wrong? And he was having a heart attack. And, uh, what was happening was, like, “Auuugh, in the chair but I – because the light was so bright onstage, you see, so I didn’t know what was going on. I just thought he was being right fucking rude, so I was like *makes incoherent rude noises*. I was a proper dick. And next thing I know these men in yellow jackets, they were the ambulance, but I was like, Why are there men in yellow jackets? What the fuck is going on? What is wrong with you lot? And they were carrying him out and he had a heart attack. So, I got paid and left, you know what I mean?

Sport is intrinsically stupid. Discuss.

I don’t care. I just don’t care. I don’t have the time or the… I just really don’t care.

If you had to marry one of the Muppets, which one would you marry?

Uh, the big yellow bird one. *RH points out that Big bird is not a Muppet.* Who’s in the Muppets then? *Hums Mahna Mahna.* Yeah, them two; I’ll have two of them.

Why can’t everyone be babies?

Why can’t everyone be babies? It would be lovely actually. I don’t know. It would be nice. It would be nice if everybody listened more to their inner child, I think. Oh, actual babies? I don’t know. Who would feed them? That would be a good way to die out, rather than that nuclear thing. Like if we just, like, somehow, over evolutionary time, we just stopped developing and just were born and died.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

No, sorry. But in a past life I was a black African queen. Because when you know, you know. I once went to see a therapist and a psychic in the same day an my therapist said I’ve got issues because I was a middle child, so I always struggle to be heard and listened to. Any my psychic said it was because in my past life I was a black African queen. And I was like, “Both of you are right. Yes.” Angola.

Kickstarter: Tim Turner says, “Richard Dawkins claims to have seen dogs doing a 69. What’s the worst lie you have told to impress people?”

I don’t really lie. Have a lied?

Notes

RH asks for a show of hands as to who works in IT; films on his handheld camcorder.

Makes reference to 6-foot penis/man with man penis question.

Kickstarter: Matthew Plumridge asks, “Would you prefer to shit yourself every time you saw someone eat a banana or orgasm/ejaculate every time you saw your mother-in-law/father-in-law?”

RH notes that he’s trying to get Brian Blessed as a guest.