Title: You Can Not Be Serious!

Soundcloud Time: 1:12:32
Youtube Time: 1:12:28

Original Record Date: October 18, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 2, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: December 2, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who might be wearing a pyjama top. I can’t quite work it out.

Cool Kids
I was at a Take That concert.

Guest Best Known
For her appearance on the sketch show Beehive.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
N/A N/A

Emergency Questions

Why do elephants have such low rates of cancer?

Why do they have such low rates of cancer? We have? What do you mean, like one in four people will get cancer? Hey guys – sobering. But can they check elephants as frequently as they check humans? An elephant can’t say, “I don’t feel right.” I’m saying there are probably more than we know of because an elephant can’t go, “Seriously, I think there’s something wrong.” Whereas a human can communicate through language. Maybe your stats are unreliable. *RH mimes an elephant’s trunk and complains about his testicles.* I’m not weighing in on this. I’m not joining in. I’m frightened of the backlash. No, I mean that sounds reasonable to me.

Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?

You’re referring to the film Ghost? Oh right, are you technically having an affair? I’d say yeah, that’s cheating. Do you have feelings for the ghost or is it, like, a one-night stand with the ghost? Is this a ghost like the ghost in [The Ghost and] Mrs. Muir where there’s been, like, a continuing relationship over time, where you go, “I can’t deny how I feel for you anymore.” Or it’s just a ghost that’s come out of the cupboard and fuck it. Yeah right. You know how ghosts just come out? Yep, on top of you. I’m married. I have an 8 month-old child. What if you don’t orgasm? What if you get halfway through and push the ghost off and say, “I can’t do this.” *RH notes the lack of friction.* But it will be happening in your mind because you’re obviously mentally ill for this to be happening in the first place. So for a mentally ill person they’re not going, “This isn’t even happening.” They’d be going, “Aw, I’m fucking a ghost and I love it. I’m loving this.”

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Have I ever seen a ghost? Yes, yeah I have. Yes I have, actually. It was really frightening. Um, I’m just doing that improv thing where you’re meant to say “yes”. People do improv courses now and that’s a big part of it. You don’t shut the person down and go, “no”. Alright, yes. Alright, yeah. I have got a spooky story that comes from a very good authority. And it’s someone that I don’t think – you know when someone goes, “I’ve got a scary…” You know, a story that’s a bit unexplainable. It was a baby monitor thing. Yeah, right. And also the thing that I find really frightening, you know, a child laughing is a beautiful sound. A child laughing in it’s sleep… My kid sometimes laughs in her sleep and it scares the shit out of me. And it’s like this kind of *makes creepy laughing noise*. What can she see? But this person, they said that when their kid was getting the scans, like the anti-natal scans, they called their kid Bobble, because the number on it was, like, 800873 or something; it looked like Bobble so they called her Bobble. And then when she was born they had the baby monitors and stuff somewhere in like *in creepy voice* it was an old house… And they’re watching telly one night and they had the baby monitor on and they just heard a soft voice going, “Bobble…” And they were on their own, in the middle of nowhere. Old house, middle of nowhere kind of thing. And they are both sane people; they’re not the type of people where you go, “Mm hmm…” During our coke binge, we heard this… They’re very sane, normal people. Uh, yeah, and they just heard this, “Bobble…” And they said it sounded like an adult voice. And they ran up into the room because they thought, Fuck this, an intruder.

If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?

Yeah. Fucking all the time. Any disagreement, I would instantly raise the stakes. I’d be on Facetime with my finger on the button going *holds out pointer finger*. With other countries that didn’t have nuclear weapons obviously. You don’t if they can do it back. “I don’t want to do this, but I want you to know I can.”

Do you ever get confused with *another person with the same name as guest*.

It has happened on occasion. When I was much younger I got mistaken for Nicole Kidman when I was, like, 24. And a group of tourists came over and asked for a photograph and I said yes. I went, “Yeah, okay.” And I got in the photograph. I was more attractive back then and also Nicole Kidman hadn’t had all the face lifts and stuff, so we looked more alike. As she’s become more face-lifted and glamorous we don’t look so much alike. But about 15 years ago there was enough of a resemblance for a myopic tourist.

Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?

I actually had some yesterday for the first time in ages and I thought, These are fucking nice. I should eat these more often. Like it had been a long time since I had had them. I have noticed that the skin is on the outside of the chip and they never used to do that. Like they’ve skimped on the skinning process. […] I’d take sushi. I’d take sushi back to my grandfather because he was a fisherman. He was. I’m not even trying to make you laugh. […] I remember, back in the 80’s, and he would talk about the Japanese. He really didn’t like the Japanese. Because of the WWII thing. *RH points out that Australians are also all racist.* It’s true. And they don’t laugh when you say that; they get really defensive. And I remember in the 80’s when he’d see Japanese people eating sushi and it really upset him on all these different levels. Like, on a culinary level he’d be, like, “You’re meant to cook the fish.” He also felt that it was some form of barbarism. Like, you know, it shows how mean they were or something. It’s raw. I don’t know why, but for him all these things just added up. And I think I would try to introduce him to a sashimi platter and go, “See, it’s nice, isn’t it?”

Would you rather date a man who was a 6-foot tall penis with a face like Mark Reckless or a man who instead of having a penis had a tiny man growing out of there?

No, hang on. There’s a penis, one’s a penis… Leaves a trail of semen. Not if he’s hemorrhaging at the base. He’s constantly hemorrhaging semen at the base. The man’s not a camel. *RH suggests he would wear false shoulders.* Shoulder pads and a kaftan. Because the kaftan would cover… Hold on, a man who’s got a man. It’s him? *RH states that the little man would get oxygen through the big man’s system.* Like a baby. So he gets the nutrients from the larger man through the umbilical cord. [The man penis suffocating] would be my first concern if I was having sex with a miniature man. I’d think, Aw, what if he suffocates? Does the little man talk? So he has thoughts and feelings. He’s got a brain; he’s a sentient being. Oh, hang on. Is he attached at the feet or the head? The feet are attached? *RH says that the little man could hold on.* To my vagina? But that – that doesn’t make sense, ’cause you’re suggesting that his feet have the sensitivity of the head of an erect penis. So his entire body has the sensitivity of a penis. But that is the sensitivity. Yeah okay. But he functions in the same way as a penis does. I would probably. Do I have to have sex with the 6-foot tall penis? We’re just going out. We’ll see if things go well. Does he also have a penis? He’s just a penis; he doesn’t have a penis? Now you’re going down this weird road of, “I bet you’d like to have sex with that.” A 6-foot tall penis? No. I would probably go out with the man with the penis attached to – uh, the man penis.

Notes

RH describes “Open Letter to My 8 Month-Old Daughter” tweet.

SK had difficulty entering the Leicester Square Theatre because the box office didn’t recognize her.