Title: Moving the Trees

Soundcloud Time: 1:08:57
Youtube Time: 1:09:07

Original Record Date: November 1, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 23, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: December 23, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
Who can cure or cause cancer with his finger, so you better be a good audience; every other one of you.

Cool Kids
I was down at the Bad Education film premiere.

Guest Best Known
As Ben Wiston from Noah’s Ark.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Lydia shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
Natalie shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting with Lydia
owns a design agency
Nick shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting next to but not with Natalie
works in IT
RH correctly guessed that he works in IT

Emergency Questions

Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?

Well, no, but in the series she’s got a conscience. I say yes, is the robots have a “delete history”. No, I think you should have sex with a robot. I think it’s when they look like a human. If I was caught having sex with a girl Compare robot, I think that’s fine. Because he’s lost and he needs some comfort. *RH suggests that having sex with a blow-up doll is not offensive.* I’d say the likeness isn’t quite as good as the one in Humans. But yeah, I’d judge you but not necessarily think that you should leave your wife. I think she’d be upset, yeah. “Why are you doing that?”

What is the worst emergency you’ve ever been involved in?

Oh, the worst emergency I’ve ever been in? Um, well I rolled a car really badly and genuinely nearly died. Like, it came off the road, rolled it four or five times through some woods, and I missed two trees by millimeters, and walked away totally unscathed. But I remember thinking at the time, and it was kind of terrible, but it was literally two days before my DVD was out and all I could think was, Oh my God, how many more would I have sold? If I’d just connected with one of those trees. Even if I’d been fine in the end, just like a little… Is that – that makes me a bad person. Oh no, no. I’d have to be alive. I’d want to just do a Hammond. Not like, full-on dead.

Why can’t everyone be babies?

I saw someone dressed as a baby at a Halloween party. Two nights ago. A huge, giant baby with a head, it was so funny but even the baby they’d managed, I don’t know how but, they managed to make it slightly slutty. Like, it was all just a little bit too tight. How can you make a slutty baby? That’s just wrong. A slutty pumpkin and stuff like that, fine. No costume is sacred at Halloween. Anything can be made slutty. […] Everyone was a baby. What, for a day or forever? Baby Day.

Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?

Food-based? I don’t know. I’d like to go back in time so that all of the food that my grandmother gives me is within its date line. She is never – she once sent me a Christmas present, which was some chocolate liqueurs and it had the date line on a sticker at the front. And she tried to scratch it off but couldn’t get it off so you saw just the nail marks. And then she’d given up and got a black pen and crossed out the dates; like redacted documents during, like, the Stasi regime. You could see the date through it and they were, like, ten years old. And that was my Christmas present. Because she lives in this weird – like, you go down to her house and she has the weird, mad – Oh; this is an actual show. Sorry. I’m just opening up too much. No, she’s quite eccentric, my grandmother. She once – true – my uncle found a roadkill deer, which he dragged home, and my 80 year-old grandmother butchered it down and a Sunday lunch of this roadkilled venison.

What is worse, bestiality or necrophilia?

Fucking hell. If the venison had been bummed? I think probably the necro… Hmm… What? I mean, I’m answering it. The other option is to evade the question. How long has the body been cold? And what’s the animal? *RH says both are JW’s choice.* I’m really trying to think now of what I would… *RH says that JW could have his pick, being JW.* I don’t know if being me helps with the animal. I don’t know if name-dropping with an animal, “Hey, by the way, I’ve done Mock the Week.” I’d have to have sex with a wild animal because in captivity it’s cruel. So it would be wild; something I’d have to… chase? Give it an element or sport. A fox, with some friends. We’d all get on horses and get our trumpets and then chase the fox down and the winner can fuck it.

If you could choose between having a tit that dispensed talcum powder and a finger that could cure but also cause cancer…

Yeah, I’ll have the talcum powder in the tit. *RH asks what JW would do with the talcum powder.* Just for keeping everything nice and dry. Down, down there.

Sport is intrinsically stupid. Discuss.

I like its stupidity. I like how stupid it is. It is stupid. I was shit at all of those sports and I still quite like watching them, which seems strange because I had so many bad memories of playing sports. I fucking hated playing rugby; it was a horrible game to play. I was so short-sighted. I wear contact lenses but I didn’t wear contact lenses at school so I had to play in glasses. So I played rugby in glasses. Can you, like, they used to just beat the shit out of me. And I also had this thing where I went to school with loads of teams, because it was a very big school, so often visiting schools wouldn’t have enough teams to play our teams. So I would get put into their teams to play against my own school. So I’m there in my glasses, standing out there on the wing with my little, knobby knees and I’m playing for some random school I’ve never heard of and getting beaten up by my own friends. They weren’t my friends. Yeah, fucking sport is stupid.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Have I ever seen a ghost? Um, no. Although, I watched Celebrity Ghosthunting; I sometimes watch that. Because the calibre of celebrity they get it’s sometimes hard to work out whether they’re the ghost or the celebrity. Philip Olivier from Hollyoaks, I thought he was haunting a mansion; turns out he was the guest.

Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?

Oh no, that’s fine. That’s fine. Would you have sex with a ghost?

Notes

JW is the youngest guest to date.

RH suggests that JW is trying to reclaim the Yorkshire Ripper beard.

JW suggests the Human Centipede as a good Halloween costume.

Desert Island Dicks: Richard Osman, Richard Briers, Richard Madeley, Richard III, Richard Griffiths, Richie Rich, Cliff Richard