Title: Noel Edmonds’ Toilet and Johnny Vaughan’s Shower

Soundcloud Time: 1:07:31
Youtube Time: 1:07:11

Original Record Date: November 7, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: December 31, 2015
Youtube Publication Date: December 30, 2015

Please Welcome a Man
He’s like a caterpillar who’s changed into a butterfly in front of your eyes.

Cool Kids
I was at Big Al’s on Happy Days in the bar in the 1950’s. I was in the toilet and a man came in wearing a leather jacket.

Guest Best Known
For his instructional Internet-only video for the Carling beer home draught system.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Andy McH referenced when RH asked the Spitting Image puppet vacation question
had complained that the question wasn’t in last week’s show

Emergency Questions

If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?

I can see them. They’re not all behind, like, a wooden thing. Would they be wearing that quite creepy black suit. Like, all black like puppeteers wear? So the puppeteer is there, operating it, and the person doing the voice of it… and he would be on the island as well. And where’s the holiday? Because what I’m seeing in this scenario is so many reasons why it would be absolutely awful for everyone involved. And the choice of the puppet is going to have no influence on that whatsoever, ’cause you’re going to have – Steve Coogan did a lot of the voices; it would be exciting for me. He would hate it, because he’d only be able to talk to me through Roy Hattersley and the puppeteer would hate you because he’d… So they’re not my friends. Do I have to spend all the time with them? But it’s like a nightmare. *Begin discussing consequences of sleeping.* So you’d need to voice actors and two puppeteers… So maybe what you’d end up with, you’d have to attach little sticks to the puppeteer so that when the puppeteer was asleep you could operate him as a puppet in order to operate the puppet. And so you’d get increasingly complex line of little sticks because everyone’s asleep being operated as a puppet which then operates a person. Well because, just, I mean ’cause the only glimmer of fun and hope on this entire holiday I would just need to pick a figure who I liked the idea of. Was there a puppet of Tony Benn? I’d go for Tony Benn because I, I can do a bad impression of Tony Benn so I would probably try and push the sound – voice of the guy into madness by talking back to Tony Benn in an attempt at Tony Benn’s voice. We’d be quite angry at whoever organized this trip.

Kickstarter: Tim Turner says, “Richard Dawkins claims to have seen dogs doing a 69. What’s the worst lie you have told to impress people?”

Oh, that’s not a fun thought road to wander down. My mum could always tell when I lied because I would yawn. Yeah, which is an odd sort of reaction I had. *Yawns.* “Yeah, I’m just gonna hang out with some mates. No, no, there’s nothing under the bed. School… no, no schoolwork.” I don’t do that anymore. Um, I once told a… I’m sort of, a bit like you, a magical thinker, in that I will often associate everyday things with, like, potential fun results. So, like, any iPhone game I play the score will be how many pounds I get. And I will do that four or five times a day. I’m 33. So Boggle is the amount of pounds I’ll get per day forever. And sometimes I’ll play it where I get – it’s just Monday to Friday or sometimes it’s seven days a week but I pay tax. And what is so pathetic is that my scores in Boggle are always between 60 and 100. So basically, this is played out in my mind countless thousands of times is me ending up making minimum wage that is either slightly higher and taxed or slightly lower and not taxed. And it’s never going to be more than 100. It’s never really going to be less than 50. And it’s a waste of everyone’s time. And lots of things I do are attached to payments I get per day. Like if I can hold my breath to the next tube station that’ll mean I get 50 pounds a day. This is a bit like when I was talking about me being the most annoying thing in my life. Because if I spent 1% of the time I’ve spent equating basic daily tasks with an amount of pounds I get per day, forever, taxed or untaxed, sometimes Monday to Friday. If I spent 1% of my time doing that, working on things that will make me money in the world that exists I would earn a lot of money. But I don’t do that. Sorry, that wasn’t at all your question, was it? Oh, the lies. I once said at school that when the ice cream man came around to my house, because he’d park outside we had a system. And if I left the blinds up it would mean that I was gonna come and get an ice cream. If I had the blinds down it meant I wasn’t gonna get an ice cream. And if left the blinds about halfway it meant I wasn’t sure if I was gonna get an ice cream. And I thought that if this rumour caught on that people would think I was cool because me and the ice cream guy had a thing. Which is a pointless lie. Because what happened was the ice cream man came around and the blinds were as they were, and he was unaware of this fantasy world I’d created in an attempt to win favour with the girls at school. As if they were going to, “Hey, hey there’s John Robins. Did you hear about what he’s got going with the ice cream man? Yeah, he’s really cool since I heard about this because he’s got a system with the blinds in his mum’s living room. Whereby there are three different messages he can send out to the ice cream man. Yeah, let’s kiss him next.”

If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?

For what? They’d be the ultimate retro sort of thing in a London gastropub. Wouldn’t they? You could use them as long seats. Or you could serve a poached egg on one. That would be quite funny. No, I would never use nuclear weapons. No. *RH asks about the case that nukes have been shot at JR.* Well then why – So okay, so nuclear weapons are coming to hit the country, we’re all going to die, so how is that made better by a lot of other people then dying? […] I’d get rid of them, keep the money, and say we’ve still got them. Idiots. Sometimes, Richard, I think it’s people like you and me that should the politicians. If it weren’t for all the terrible errors we’ve made.

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Um, no. I once, when I was in Scouts, I was the Sixer, so I was in charge of my Scouts, six. And our leaders Bagheera and Shere Khan would always tell us ghost stories. So I once told a ghost story on a night hike to my six about a wolfman who lived in a hut in the woods that we were in to try and scare them. And I got so scared that they had to call my mum to pick me up from the night hike, because I’d scared myself with a story that I had invented. But no, I’ve never seen a ghost.

Notes

No opening credits on Youtube.

JR and Elis James were asked the following question, which JR posed to RH, “Which would you rather have: A hundred thousand pounds in your bank account tomorrow – and that’s yours to do with whatever you want – or you can have a million pounds in 50p.’s in a silo, like a grain silo. And you are not allowed to pay them into a bank account, change them up, change them into another currency, or invest them in anything. You have to spend them in the form of 50p.’s. But you can spend them on anything you want forever. Which would you rather have?”

JR said that RH could keep the above question as an emergency question, but RH demurred.

A lightbulb went out during the performance.