Title: Nuking The Moon

Soundcloud Time: 1:09:55
Youtube Time: 1:10:08

Original Record Date: November 14, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: January 20, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: January 20, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
Who helped compile the 1990 West London phonebook.

Cool Kids
There will be some cool kids watching today because we have someone cool on.

Guest Best Known
For his appearance on the short films The Corner Boys.


Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Zowie shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
had not been sitting in her seat “last week”
wearing a RHLSTP badge
works for a housing association
Graham shown on RH’s hand-held camera
in the front row
sitting with Zowie
RH suggests that he is someone Zowie is helping care for
works for at the same housing association
Unnamed complimented SP’s sneakers
chided by RH for calling out
Unnamed complimented RH’s shoes

Emergency Questions

Have you ever seen a ghost?

Um, yeah, maybe I’ve heard a ghost *referring to voices heard post-childhood near-drowning*. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a ghost. Um, no, no, it’s always I find, it always annoys me that people often see ghosts. Like I had a friend of mine who really, really believes in ghosts and she had this big experience where she was away somewhere and staying somewhere a bit spooky and this, um… A figure appeared at the end of the bed and was there and scared her. And then it went away in the morning and stuff like that. *RH suggested it was Hall Cruttenden with his sexomnia.* Yeah, with his sleep gropes. Questionable. No, and I just had to explain what that is is you were asleep, is what happened there. Because the clue was you’re in bed and then you went to sleep. That’s the clue, that’s the starting clue. And then you woke up *mimes quotation marks*, you woke up and there was a ghost at the end of the bed. You didn’t wake up, you had a dream that there was a ghost at the end of your bed. And that’s the thing that gets me. I know for a fact I would fuck about so much [if I were a ghost] – they wouldn’t be able to hold me down. I’d be appearing and doing all sorts of kooky stuff. So I don’t believe that anyone that’s ever died has towed the line of keeping it a bit mysterious and pushing a DVD over and stuff like that. Like, as if you can get them all to tow the line. There would have been some prick just really messing about.So yeah, skeptical.

Have you ever seen a bigfoot?

Um, I’ve got big feet. Size 11, 12.

If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?

Um, I mean again, yeah, it’s a good reason for me not to be Prime Minister because that sounds right fun. That would be irresistible. I’d fuck about as a ghost, I’d definitely fuck about as the Prime Minister. Yeah, exactly, they cost a fortune. Imagine I never put these bad boys on *referring to sneakers*. Never took them out of the box. Yeah, just shoot them into space. Fireworks night. Big, global fireworks night. We all shoot our – if we all do decommission we should all shoot our nukes on the same night into space.

Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?

No, I don’t. Yeah, no, I definitely… Yeah exactly, but I mean I’m not even sure… This is going to sound bad if I say I’m not sure it’s bad that it’s a person, because that’s definitely cheating. No, just let me explain further. I’ve never… There was a thing recently about a pop star who got in trouble for using on of them massage parlours that do dirty bits at the end of it. I’ve never used one myself, but I was thinking, Well, he’s not doing – there’s no actual connection with the person there and possibly even less connection than he has mentally when he’s home masturbating over porn. So why is that worse? Because again, it’s clinical, it’s not emotional. So it’s similar to a robot. I’m not saying that Thai massage people are robots, that’s offensive. They could well be. They probably are, now that I think about it. No I, again I find it confusing because why would a robot be more of a sin? Is it a sexy robot? Definitely, well there you go. If it’s a sexy robot, again, that is not different from watching porn and imagining.

If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?

Again, when I was here last week for Hal’s one I was really struggling to remember who… people that were on Spitting Image. *RH describes David Mitchell’s choice of Melvyn Bragg and the reasoning behind it.* I would choose to go on holiday with them because David Mitchell seems delightful as well, so I’d just tag along on their holiday, if that’s acceptable.

Sport is intrinsically stupid. Discuss.

I love sport. I was up until 6:00 last night watching sport. Mixed martial arts. Typical bearded poet, loves a bit of cage-fighting. It’s not made-up; that’s wrestling you’re thinking of. Yeah, yeah, I’m a big fan, and I also enjoy football. Again, I do feel they would be, sport in general, would be among the most challenging things to explain to an alien life form. So I can see they are kind of ridiculous because we’re, like, all chasing this ball and we’re happy if it goes there but not happy if it goes there. It is, it is ridiculous but it’s a bit of fun, isn’t it? A bit of fun. Genuinely, one of my emotional moments as a human was at a football game. I don’t know why I specified “as a human”. In my other forms there’s been far more emotional moments, but I’m a Millwall fan and there’s a player called Neil Harris, nearly the top goal scorer at one point and then he got testicular cancer. And the club stuck by him – sorry, I’m going to get very serious now – the club stuck by him and helped him and kept him on the wage and everything. And he got over – he beat his testicular cancer and came back. It took him a while to get back to speed and towards the end of the season, I think, we’re at home and he hadn’t scored since he’d come back. And we were against… I can’t think who. And we were in their area – that’s a technical term – in their penalty box. And one player had a chance for quite an easy tap-in. And I swear there was about four or five just passing it around until he got into position and then he scored. Whole team brought him on their shoulders, brought him to the home fans, everyone was just… It was the most beautifully emotional and human moment from a bunch of burly men who don’t really show emotion. So yeah, it felt worthwhile in that moment, Richard.

What song would you like to replace our national anthem with?

Yeah, it’s not very good, is it? Yeah, it’s really slow. It”s got no vibe. Lyrically weak. Oh, I don’t – there’s a lot of lovely songs. I’d want a song that reflects how crappy we are as a nation. No, I wouldn’t. That’s a terrible idea, isn’t it? We should be covering that up. […] I would go for… God, this is a really hard question but I’m liking it. It’s not entertaining for these guys, but I’m liking thinking about it. Um… Yeah, there’s no rush. You’re not going anywhere. I’d like to go for, um, Shake It Off by Taylor Swift. ‘Cause it’s just so catchy. It’s hard not to enjoy. But I guess we couldn’t have an American one, could we? That’d be fine. Robbie Williams’s Let Me Entertain You, imagine that. Everyone can sing it, because secret was that Robbie was cheeky rather than actually having a good voice, so we can all sing – because everyone can sing. Oh yeah, let’s go for Rock DJ; that would be amusing. Now we’ll all gather around to sing Rock DJ. […] Let’s go with Millennium, ’cause that’s current. It won’t go out of date.

If you had to have sex with an animal – if you had to – what animal would you have sex with, if you had to?

Monkey. I’m quite private about my private life, Richard. Nah, they’re cure, ain’t they? They don’t look that dangerous. Not a big one; I’m not an idiot. Oh wait, is it consensual? Let’s go with a monkey then, yeah. They love it – dirty monkeys.

What was the most deluded thing you thought of yourself as a child?

I don’t know if I had any ones. For a long time at school I was really worried that people – I really wanted to conceal if I was wearing a vest. I didn’t want people to know I was wearing a vest. So yeah, that was a major concern for a long time. I was torn between, do I want to be cold and not wear a vest or do I want to wear a vest and people might know that I’m wearing a vest? For some reason it seemed a shameful act.


Kickstarter: Matthew Plumridge asksSP, “Would you prefer to shit yourself every time you saw someone eat a banana or orgasm/ejaculate every time you saw your mother-in-law/father-in-law?”

RH references Kickstarter to raise £1,000,000 for RH to play snooker against himself; at the time of recording the campaign had reached app. £55,000.