Title: You Won’t Tell Us If You’re Married or Not!

Soundcloud Time: 1:16:04
Youtube Time: 1:16:16

Original Record Date: November 21, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: February 4, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: February 3, 2016

Please Welcome a Man
A man is shaking his head, looking at me backstage.

Cool Kids
The Indian fans of the show.

Guest Best Known
As Billy Taft from Doctors.

Audience

Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A

Member Member Note
Jijun shown on RH’s hand-held camera
back again from “last week”
favourite thing about England is the comics
RH encouraged him to see the Tower of London and the British Museum during his visit
Unnamed two members having a conversation
one is wearing a badge
RH suggests that they had been drinking
later in the podcast RP asks if they are speaking too loudly for their conversation
told by RH that she has a terrible voice and should shut up
Andy McH RH asked if he could remember the origin of the Spitting Image puppets emergency question
described by RH as a “sounding board” for potential jokes
after donating £5,000 to RH’s Me 1 vs. Me 2 Kickstarter campaign, the fraud department contacted him to investigate

Emergency Questions

If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?

I’m more interested in finding out how you arrived at that. I’m more interested in what day it was, where you were, how happy you were with the question where you thought, I’m going to have that, I’m going to have that as a question. I like Chris Barrie, because I worked with Chris. I like Chris and he’s a nice man. But would he have to maintain the personality of the character? I’ll take Thatcher then. I’d like to shout in her face. I’d enjoy that. If that’s the nearest I can get, to Thatcher, which it obviously is. Coogan, Coogan was in there, wasn’t he? Coogan was on Spitting Image. Yeah, so one of his ones. I adore Steve Coogan and even more now, because I read his autobiography cover to cover in about four hours. Like, I don’t mean it’s thin. I plowed through. I was loving it. And honestly, it was like, I was enjoying it a lot anyway. And then it got to the moment about, saying about that you had come up with Alan Partridge and it just says, “Let me be clear: they did not.” And I was that far off texting you at four in the morning; just with a photo of it, highlighted.

Why do elephants have such low rates of cancer?

Age-old question. I don’t know. It’s probably something to do with biology. They don’t smoke. I was going to say they’re thick-skinned, but I don’t know how that would help. As if people get cancer by osmosis. I don’t know. I’m interested.

Can you name another animal that is very cancer resistant?

You fucking bell-end. It’s amazing ’cause I see a little glimmer in your eye. “I’m going to ask him if he knows another one.” Uh, leopard. *Audience members shout out suggestions.* You’ve said enough. Tortoise. *RH gives stock response.* The naked mole rat? Okay, same reason?

Have you ever seen a ghost?

*RP had previously stated that he did not believe in ghosts.* The answer to that question may surprise you in that I have seen two things. When does this go out? Fine, so me and Barry Dodds, who I do The Parapod with, who believes in them, like, unquestionably. We went to a “haunted house” last week, which is in – it’s the one that Most Haunted went to recently. It’s 30 East Drive in Pontefract in Yorkshire. And, uh, and it was weird. Like, it was weird. And it’s all there in the recording. And things moved and stuff happened and I had… He’s not clever enough to do that. Like, clandestine, you know? There was one point when I said, “I don’t believe there’s not another person in this house – living person.” Because I arrived after him, he was there first. So everything logic in my head was going, I don’t believe there’s not a person in this house. I’ve not looked in the wardrobe, I’ve not looked in the loft. You know, I’ve been around the house but I’ve not seen everywhere, under the beds and the rest of it. I went up and did that and there was no one there. And it was like, I don’t know how to explain it. We’re doing two specials at Christmas, which have been out not, when you listen to this. And the first one still scares me listening to it. And it’s quite weird that, listening to something that’s supposed to be a comedy podcast and you think, This is fucking terrifying. And in terms of the audio as well, which I think makes you do more listening to it. But yeah, it was, uh… It was an interesting experience that. And I’ve got to go back again in February. I’ve got to go again. *RH suggests to RP that the ghost wouldn’t like RP due to his lack of belief in ghosts.* I felt like the ghost, if there was one, did like me. I felt like it did, like that’s a man after my own heart, that. But like, he’s a proper troublemaker and I like that. He wants to push Barry through the window as well. I like that, I like that.

Would you consider sex with a ghost as cheating on your partner?

Shall I pretend I believe in ghosts for this question? Um, yes, it would; of course it would. *RH posits that you could wake up while you’re being mounted by a ghost.* You’re being raped by a ghost? There is a history of that amongst people who believe in all that sort of thing. And in fact, what was that film? Uh, I forget what the film was called but it was based on a real story. *RH suggests it was ghost.* Ghostbusters? Was it Ghostbusters? Um, I can’t remember the name of the film. The Entity, I think it was called. And it was based on a lady called Doris Bither, was her name. And she – we actually covered her in The Parapod very briefly – because again I didn’t want to tell the full story of it, because I don’t want to ruin our podcast but I’ll ruin yours. She claimed to have been raped by ghosts, that was part of it, but Doris […] claimed she was raped by ghosts but was a very tragic figure, Doris. And was sort of, as is often the case with ghost stories and the same with, like, the Enfield haunting and stuff like that, is I always think that… there’s usually someone at the centre of it. If you look very closely you see there’s someone involved in it and you go, What are you benefiting from all this? You know, and yet you’re the loudest and you’re the one who – You know, there’s often someone that I feel is steering the ship. And the Doris Bither thing, she was, uh, you know, they had photos of her with marks over her head and all this […] but people say, “This is real” and Kodak have looked at it and there’s nothing wrong with it and all this business going on. But what they never mentioned was she was an alcoholic, she’d been destitute for a long time, she was making some money out of it at that time, but a pittance compared with what people around her were making. And in every occurrence of them supposedly filming the live thing happening to her, she was, like, three sheets to the wind. She was properly drunk and that, but they keep it quiet that she was in a bad way. So I think there’s a genuine, like, malevolent side to that, to the mythology of ghosts. And so, according to her you could be raped by a ghost.

Notes

When RH previously interviewed RP in Edinburgh, the interview was erroneously not recorded.

RH wearing a Mr. Poopy Butthole t-shirt (from Rick and Morty).

RP was initially also recording this conversation as a joke, but after the exchange with the heckler was thrilled that he had his own copy.

When RP used the term “real-life,” an audience member misinterpreted and started shouting back “RHLSTP!”