Title: I Fucked Jane Austen’s Corpse
Original Record Date: November 28, 2015
Soundcloud Publication Date: February 10, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: February 10, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who has just put Stewart Lee’s toothbrush up his urethra.
I was hanging around at… *shrugs*. Should think of some cool places before I start. Winter Wonderland, I was hanging around. I was hanging around at the climate change march at Trafalgar Square.
Guest Best Known
For appearing in Hallo Panda.
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Have you ever seen a ghost?
No, I have had weird experiences. Well yeah, I have had weird experiences. God, here we go. I want it to not sound crazy but it’s too late, isn’t it? Lots of weird things have happened. Like the one that I suppose – okay. I have, obviously, Welsh family – Cariad Lloyd – and we stayed in this, you know, converted farmhouse in Wales when I was, like, I must have been about eight, and my cousin was with us so the boys took the proper room and I had to sleep downstairs, which I’m still pissed off about as you can tell. And I woke up in the night and I remember thinking, Why has my brother come downstairs and opened every single drawer? And someone was opening all the drawers and they were moving all the cutlery. Because I was sleepy I was like, I just thought, Aw, my brother’s so annoying. So I just went back to sleep but then they opened the dishwasher, slamming it, and I remember saying, like, “Tom, shut up.” And then in the morning my cousin came down and said, “Why were you crying?” I said, “I wasn’t crying.” He said, “I heard a girl screaming and crying all night.” I thought, Why didn’t you come downstairs? And so then I said, “Why did you come down and open the drawers?” And they said, “We didn’t.” *RH asks if the drawers were open.* No they weren’t, to be fair. *RH suggests that this was a dream.* And we spoke to my aunt and my aunt said that it was haunted. Oh my God, you have ruined a great family story. It was a dream. I’ve had lots of weird experiences. I’ve never seen anything but I’ve had lots of strange things, yeah. There’s lots of dead people in my family. Like, direct family. But no, I’ve never seen an actual ghost ghost. And I think I would just cry and put my head in my hands and, “Go away.”
Kickstarter: Tim Turner says, “Richard Dawkins claims to have seen dogs doing a 69. What’s the worst lie you have told to impress people?”
The worst lie? I honestly – I… this is why I’m not very good as myself, because I’m extremely honest. So I don’t lie very well. Like, if you’re friends with me I’m too honest, so I don’t really have a worst lie. *RH asks what was the most honest thing CL has ever said.* Oh no, awful. Just told people what I thought of them. And that’s why I do character comedy; I’m not that funny when I’m me, I’m just very earnest and sincere and honest. And it’s difficult, it’s intense. It’s like this; it’s not always funny, it’s uncomfortable. So yeah, I haven’t done the worst lie. *Flash of realization.* Oh! No, I didn’t do that. That was my friend at school. *RH encourages CL to adopt the story as her own.* Oh, that’s how comedy works. So, guys I was working – my friend pretended that someone in her family had died to get off a bakery shift, which I always thought was the worst thing you could do. We worked in a bakery and it was really boring. She didn’t turn up for a Saturday shift and she rang up and said that her sister had died. But then she was like, “I don’t have a sister so it’s alright.” And I thought, I don’t think that’s alright.
What celebrity would you like to be stroking your head as you die?
David Bowie, David Bowie. I’m obsessed with David Bowie. Yeah, I did a 53-hour improv show in Canada. We do one here for 50 hours and we start on Friday and finish on Sunday. We don’t stop, so you don’t have a break. Like, you stay awake. And, it’s good, it’s good. Obviously some of it’s awful because some of it is just people like, *inarticulate noises* “What?” And people fall asleep, my friend Donovan thought he was dying. He thought he’d died. He drank so much during 50 hours he woke up and a man was dressed as a devil trying to make him do a scene and he was like, “Aaarrrrrghhhh!” Just, like, screaming. But one in Canada this guy dressed up as David Bowie from the Labyrinth years. And that was one of my first crushes and he was so cool. He had, like, a straw in his pocket and he kept saying, “I’m drinking my suit, which I thought was the funniest thing ever. And so in the 53 hours I played his wife, like, we got together in the show. And halfway through my brain broke. It felt like it broke. And I thought he was real. And I thought, I’m married to David Bowie. And I was on the stage and I was thinking, He’s married, he’s married to that beautiful woman. How am I gonna… She’s going to be so upset about this. He’s just met me. And I was thinking , I’m going to be on the cover of Hello. And my friend Paul put apples up his arms because he was pretending to be Aquaman and he turned to me and said, “I think I’ve got cancer.” So then we both got carried off because older improvisers were like, “You’re going through this…” It’s like, I don’t do drugs, or I have never really done drugs, so for me it’s like… friends have told me that when you take drugs someone takes you away and is like, “It’s okay, you’re having a bit of a bad trip.” Like, that was the same thing. You know, like, “You’re having a bad improvathon, you just need to breathe.” But in my head me and this guy… It’s like your ex-boyfriend, because you’re improvising playing their partner for 53 hours. You think, We kind of went out. We had to climb a volcano together, we had to defeat a dragon, like…
Where do you get your crazy ideas from?
I don’t know. Just from dreams and thoughts. Um – it starts – everyone says that but I’m always like, “It depends, it depends on the character.” Sometimes it’s because I can do a voice, so I have a character called Kitty Romford, who’s a film noir lady who works in Asda, see? And that’s just because I used to walk around the house really driving my husband mental being like *in wise-guy stylized accent*, “Say, want some breakfast or what?” It’s obviously not that good. And I just thought, Oh, it would be funny if she worked at Asda. And so she’s in complete – in her head she’s in a film noir, and we filmed it like a film noir skit.And then Jacque Le Coq because I could rap badly in french so I tried to get a character who could rap in french. Just stupid things where you’re like – and the Jooey Bechamel, I actually really like Zooey Deschanel and I would never do another character that was anti-another female in comedy, but what I was trying to satirize was New Girl. Because I watched that and I couldn’t understand that people liked it. The advertising for it, you know, she was in a prom dress coming out of a box covered in straw like *twirls hair and shrugs*, “I just fell out of a box”. And I just felt like if that character had blonde hair and a boob job and said the same lines, everyone would hate her and go, “She’s awful,” but because they gave her brown hair and glasses and, like, a 1950’s dress sense, suddenly that was okay that she was like, “I just want a boyfriend.” I just found that really irritating.
If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?
I do remember it. I only remember the Ian Hislop and Paul Merton puppet. *RH stipulates no contact with puppeteer/impressionist out of character.* What If there was an emergency? What if I cut myself and I was like, “I need you to help me. *RH advises the puppet would help.* What if there was a car crash and I was like, “I need you to hold the blood, you need to call an ambulance.” They just don’t. […] Well I can only remember the Ian Hislop one and that was quite small. And I like Ian Hislop so I’d go with him.
RH was tired because PH had been up all night ill.
The week of recording was the 13th anniversary of RH’s daily blog Warming Up.
“Best known” work Hallo Panda was also used for previous guest Sara Pascoe.
CL’s husband directed Hallo Panda.
CL mentions that BBC3 executives would not allow her to reference unknown quantities like asparagus; RH advised that she could definitely talk about asparagus to his audience.