Title: Hello, I’m Godot
Original Record Date: July 4, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: August 10, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: August 10, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who is genuinely wondering whether all the events of 2016 are his fault.
I was in Milwaukee the other day with the Fonze. He was around. I was talking to Richie Cunningham and Ralph, his mate he hangs around with. And the Fonze doesn’t call it this, but they…
Guest Best Known
For his appearance on Alan Carr’s New Year Specstacular.
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LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?
Ah, I think – I watched Duck Tales at quite an impressionable age, so I think there’s always been a part of me that’s had the ambition to dive into a pool full of coin-based money. I think, I imagine, it would be fatal, but what a way to go. Yeah, if you dove from a height into a pool full of coins, what a way – I mean, he died the way he lived: stupidly.
MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?
What the fuck is MarshallJonesJr.com? I like the idea that it’s from a guidebook on how to talk to Japanese people. “Have you ever tried sushi? Good sushi to you.”
When you masturbate, is the first stroke away or towards?
I mean, I start towards. I’ll still give you the information.
What is the worst rumour you’ve heard about yourself?
What’s the worst… okay. The worst rumour that I’ve heard about myself has happened within the last, like, week and a half. Uh, a man on Twitter tried to suggest that, at a gig, I had said that all white people are cunts. All all I can say is I call it like I see it. And then my mother called me up and said, “What have you been saying about white people?” I was like, “Why are you searching fucking Twitter?” That was – it was at the gig – we talked about this backstage a little bit – there was a… I had a bit of an incident at a gig the night of the Referendum announcement. I was at the Comedy Store and I was talking about the Referendum; I was saying, you know, I was disappointed with the result but I don’t necessarily cast dispersions on how you vote. And man told me to go home. Like, that was the night of the Referendum. “Go home.” That is old school. It’s like, he wanted to be racist and so he asked Jeeves. Like, that’s how… And also, I was a bit thrown so I did say “To Croydon?”, and he did not look amused by that at all. Yeah, so then afterward there was a guy on Twitter who was saying, “You said the only reason that – that man was racist to you is ’cause you said all white people were racists.” And then you go, “I mean, he’s not disproving my claim.” Even if that is what happened. If I said all white people are racist, and a man said, “Go home,” if anything I’m just bang on the money. It was really interesting because this guy on Twitter was contacting me saying, “You said this thing and you said that all people who voted leave were racist,” which I didn’t say. And he said, “You said all white people are racist,” which I didn’t say. And he said, “That’s why the guy was racist to you.” And you go, that’s weird, because none of that happened, but he’s created this whole story in his mind. And luckily the Comedy Store films all of its sets. So we have the video. So I was like, “Well, we sort of have the video,” and he was like, “Well, I’ll believe what I want to believe.”
Would you rather date a woman who was a 6-foot tall vulva, or a woman who instead of having a vagina had another tiny woman in her place?
Oh, so it would just pop out like a cuckoo clock. So it’s either the giant vulva… Yeah. What’s the mechanics of… You can’t really… Presumably you would not be able to have intercourse with the woman who has another woman – with the sort of Russian doll situation. You wouldn’t be able to have sex. *RH points out that it’s not all about sex.* Says the man who’s just asked me that question. I would… What if you did some sort of downstairs Heimlich maneuver? Is the woman, is this a sort of conjoined twin situation, where they look exactly the same or is it just a completely different woman? I think i would go with the, with the double woman situation. Yeah, because I just think that the world is not ready for an Asian man to be in a relationship with a giant vagina. I just think that in 2016 we’re not ready for that. And also technically if you had sex with the woman with another woman in her, you – that would constitute a threesome and you would be able to brag about that.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
I – listen, I’ve never seen a ghost. But if I’m alone in my flat I immediately assume that there is a ghost. I am scared of absolutely everything. And, I mean, now it turns out there might not be a ghost it’s just your reflection from your backroom where you’re doing unspeakable things to yourself.
Have you ever been in the vicinity of a bigfoot, but not seen it?
I, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I’ve seen some things in the Bromley Wetherspoons that I think would – sometimes when you’re in the Bromley Wetherspoons you see some creatures and you think, That could be a bigfoot.
What is worse, bestiality or necrophilia?
Define “worse”. I think that necrophilia is worse because there isn’t even the hint that you have, sort of, obtained consent. That’s why I think it’s worse. *RH asks whether an animal can consent unless you’re Dr. Doolittle.* Now that is an Adam Sandler remake I would like to see. It’s Adam Sandler as Dr. Doolittle where he fucks all the animals.
Should penis transplants be allowed?
Yeah. Why would they not be allowed? I mean, as long as the person has died – as long as your’re not just chopping people’s dicks off. That is not okay. I will go out on a limb. I don’t care who I offend. I don’t think you should cut people’s dicks off and then stick them onto your own dick. That’s just my opinion. *RH asks if NK thinks that the transplant would be an addition onto his existing penis.* Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s like when you put the thing on the back of your snooker cue. It’s like that. Yeah exactly. You just screw it in. You just try to either have sex with a long vagina-ed person, woman, or if you’re just trying to execute a particularly difficult plant.
What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?
*RH states that they’ve talked about penises enough.* I would say it’s the penis museum. In Iceland. Well, the best museum – Tom and I did a show where we did a fake tour of the British Museum. Where we sort of, you know, we billed it as a comedy show and, because anyone can give tours at the British Museum because it’s technically owned by the people, which technically makes us complicit in all of the crimes that resulted in those objects being in the museum. But it, um – so we gave a fake tour where we’d set it up so it looked like a tour and, but it was a comedy show within all of this. So we do a sketch about the Rosetta Stone next to the Rosetta Stone. But because it looked like a tour people would just join the tour and at one point one man who had just joined the tour turned to a person who he didn’t know, but who turned out to be one of our friends who was also producing the show for us, and just went, “These guys don’t know anything.” He was really upset for us. Yeah, because it’s the only one I’ve done a comedy show in. Until I do my inevitable stand up comedy show and Netflix special at the Natural History Museum. What I really wanted to do was just walk around the British Museum going, “That belongs to my ancestors. That belongs to my ancestors.”
If you had to go on a week’s holiday with one of the puppets from Spitting Image, which would you choose and bear in mind the puppet would choose the holiday destination?
So we’re talking, like, sort of mid-80’s political figures? I reckon… *RH asks if NK watched Spitting Image.* Not really. I’m a little bit – I’m, I’m, I’m a really young guy, Richard. I was, you know, I was mainly into Captain Planet, but anyway. I would go with, uh, I would go with Roy Hattersley. I just reckon he’s got the look of a man who knows how to holiday well. Yeah, I think you’d be in a hot country and have Roy Hattersley just gobbing on you to cool you down. *RH asks whether Roy Hattersley would choose a warm destination.* No, I don’t think he would. I think I’m going to Norway with Roy Hattersley’s puppet. It would be an interesting anecdote.
During introduction, RH notes that he’s had fans point out that during the John Robins podcast, the last podcast recorded in 2015, RH says, “Come on, 2016, do your worst.”
RH notes that Theresa May will probably win the upcoming Tory election.
RH states that on the hand-held camera it appears as though there are many audience members, but in fact there is not.
NK lives with Stuart Goldsmith in the house behind RH’s.