Title: Bog Buddies
Original Record Date: July 11, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 1, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: September 2, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Where there has been an emergency! Please welcome a man who will carry on the show whatever comatose state you manage to get yourself into.
I was at the hacky sack world championships. Those guys – amazing, huh? They can kick a little thing, like whoa!
Guest Best Known
For her appearance on Aftenshowet. She was also in – not a proper RHLSTP – the one we did in Slough, which you probably didn’t listen to, which is probably lucky because we’re going to talk about all the same things again.
Better or Worse than Last Week: N/A
Like or Unlike Wikipedia: N/A
Member Member Note Unnamed claimed to have aided audience member who collapsed by putting him on his side David Frew RH suggests that David is his stalker
Who would you rather died: Windsor Davies or Matthew Crosby’s wife?
No, I don’t know. I don’t have any references. Last time you had to tell me what a badger was. Could I pick and choose from any of the Pappy’s wives? I mean if I had to – well, I don’t know. If I had – I mean, if I had to murder… Basically, when I first… one of the first nights we hung out I was – they were all somewhere. And then me and Matthew were at the bar and Matthew said, “Which one do you want?” – referring to the beer. And I was like, “Oh, the tall one?” And he was like, “Uh, what?”
Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?
No. No, it feels like a very, like a thing you do in the movies. I mean, I didn’t – my childhood wasn’t that childlike. Like, my mom has a very weird sense of logic, so she was like, “Well, kids films, you’ll stop watching them at some point, which means they’re not that good. So why not start you on adult movies now?” Not, like, adult, but you know. So I would watch, as, like, a five year old, like Con Air and Die Hard and just love it. So we didn’t do all that playing stuff; that was for kids. This is probably why I do comedy, I’m just realizing.
Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever demolished a wall or a building?
I feel like I have. Would I remember?
HelloGiggles.com: If you had the option of adopting a baby fox or a baby koala, which one would you choose?
Well, I think it’s about… Well, I was in Australia and went to see a koala. And they charge… they took, like, twenty dollars. The greedy little bastards. The people, they were, like, twenty dollars to take a photo next to it and they were, like, sleeping. That’s a lot of money you could make. That’s like, thirty seconds, twenty dollars, do the maths, right? Where baby foxes – pfft. Everyone has them in their backyard, right? So the koala, it’s a money machine. Yeah, and I’d get another one. Make them kiss. I just want to keep making money off the koalas because I want them to have little tiny koala babies at some point.
MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?
Yes. How many pieces of sushi is normal to eat? Because they always give me two sets of chopsticks and I’m like, “Oh… okay. I get what you’re saying.”
Have you ever seen a ghost?
No, but I know – I mean, if you believe in it then I’ve been in rooms with them. If you don’t believe in them, I’ve been in rooms with my crazy friend who thinks they were there. My friend believes, like, she will always – she lives in this really old flat and, you know, she believes in them. So she would always – and she knows I don’t want to hear about it – but she would sometimes look right over my head, and then I go, “What?” And she goes, “Oh, nothing.” And I could tell. And she’d go, “No, no, it’s fine. They’re friendly.” I hate it so much. We went backpacking at this weird hostel in Spain, I think, and it was one of those where when we first asked if we could get in they said, “No, there are no rooms left.” And then we were, like, just asked again, I think, “Are you sure?” And he went, “Actually…” And he found, like, a special key under a special book under a special whatever. And then he took us into this room that was, like… It looked like a normal hostel room but there were some extra beds in there. Like a storage room of some sort. And my friend just couldn’t sleep and she just kept saying, “There’s someone over there, there’s someone over there.” And I was, like, “Uh, goodnight.” And the next morning she said, she had, like, a story about something. She kept saying it was a sick child. Ugh, that’s horrible. And then when we went out the building right next to ours was, like, an old children’s hospital thing. I know, you know, she could have seen that on the way in or Googled it or… It’s as creepy as fuck. Her grandmother, I love her, but I hope she’s lying. Like, I trust he so much but I hope she’s lying about everything. They have like a family ghost and I told a story onstage about it. And now they want me to tell the story every time. Because at her grandmother’s house there was a ghost and she would used to say… Like, we found out while we were staying at her grandmas’s house and she said, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s a friendly ghost.” And we were trying to ask why they thought it was friendly. It was because once her grandmother had been pushed down the stairs and she said, no, that’s when they found out that she had cancer because she had to be taken to the hospital. I was like, that is the stupidest – the ghost didn’t… The ghost didn’t necessarily know that. It could have just been trying to kill her. And I told it onstage and then the grandmother died and now they want me to tell the story every time I’m with her family as kind of reminder of this nice story about their grandma. It’s so weird, but she believes in all those things.
Where do you stand on transubstantiation?
What, you’re asking me if I believe that bread is Jesus? Like, literally? Do I believe that’s actually Jesus? I don’t feel like I really want to ruin any of my future… Like, I don’t want to be at the gates of heaven and they’ll be, like, we listened to that podcast. Denmark isn’t religious – we don’t really, you know… I don’t know anything about that. I think it’s Jesus. It’s definitely Jesus.
BBC: Have you got what it takes to be a spy?
LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?
For how long would I be in it? For how long? Are there other people around? No? Okay, so we’re not – I can’t be, like, realistic and just be, like, I would like a week with my own private pool. Just water. No people. Could I take stuff from the pool with me up? Slightly sticky £50 notes. And I’d be really sweaty. *RH points out that depending on the height jumped from, may be a hard landing.* Can I just roll into it? Do I have to jump?
Should penis transplants be allowed?
What’s that? Like, where you make them… Whose penis? *RH suggests that someone might steal his own.* No one’s going to specifically ask. If they’ve heard about it they’re not going to want it. But the thing is, if somebody loses their penis there’s probably a reason and that person probably doesn’t deserve a new one. There ware two feminists who are like, “Woot!” *RH mentions cancer of the penis.* Is that a thing? What? I think as long as you really need it and you can’t be picky. Yeah, you can’t. Because that’s what you do from birth. Right? You can’t be like, “I want a new one.” No, you can’t. You just take the penis that… No, because then people could lie. People could be like, “Oh, I just lost it in a dog fight.”
During the previous recording with Graham Linehan, a member in the audience had some sort of episode and collapsed.
RH appears to be recording audience with hand-held camera during chat with audience, but footage not included in published podcast recording.
Using his iPad, RH shows SH pictures of badgers.
A portion of this recording was bleep censored.
A portion of this recording omitted entirely on legal advice.
SH recounts story of meeting RH at a Leicester Square Theatre newcomers award show.
SH recounts story of meeting Catherine Wilkins and being overly familiar with her.