Original Record Date: July 18, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 8, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: September 7, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who tomorrow will spend his day in bed with his wife’s best friend, who will be fellating him. And that is true.
I was hanging out with the guys from East 17. You know the two guys at the back?
Guest Best Known
For his appearance on All Star Family Fortunes.
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I have given up on Domino’s pizza. I have had enough. It’s always fucking horrible. Is there anything that you have given up on in a similar way?
Uh, I don’t want to do myself out of any work here, but the funniest answer was the name of a show, probably. Food-wise or anything. I know. Long bath. Every time. Because [my wife] Lindsey is so good at floating in the bath for two hours and staring at the water to the point where I’m like, “What are you doing?” And everytime I’m like, “That would be good for me, I’m stressed, I’m a hyperactive person, maybe I should float…” Every time, after two minutes: “I’m hot, this is boring as shit.” So now I’ve stopped trying. If I could have a shower with an entrance and and exit on either side, I would literally foam and run through. I just, is it sexist to say that? That men are more rubbish at having long baths than women, statistically. I like all the idea of it and then you settle down with your book and then you start to over – and then half an hour later even after I’m still sweating up. I’m still sweating up. I just overheat.
Who would you rather died: Windsor Davies or Matthew Crosby’s wife?
Can’t we just do normal press rather than trying to generate controversy? Who’s Windsor Davies? Who’s Matthew Crosby’s wife? I can’t wish Matthew Crosby’s wife dead. What if [Windsor Davies] died today and a correlation was drawn?
If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?
“Yay! I’m in charge! Boom.” I just wanted to see what it would do. The way I see it, you fucking bought it, you use it. Otherwise it’s a waste. It’s a fucking waste. *RH asks whether RK would cancel Trident [UK nuclear programme].* Yes. People are like, “That’s what enables us to sit at the top table. Look, if you don’t have a nuclear deterrent you can’t sit at the top table of the world.” Have you seen the kind of psychopaths at the top table of the world? Hitting each other with hammers. And the next table down, like, Sweden and Norway are having dinner together. “Would you pass the salt, please? I love the second table down.” Let’s sit at that table without nuclear weapons. Mutually assured destruction, I don’t get it. Even if – say I was in charge and I got rid of Trident nuclear weapons and Kim Jong Un […], he was, like, “Oh, you gullible pricks.” And then sent a missile to Britain, as I died in the nuclear dust I’d think, At least we died on violent bastards with our integrity intact. Because we’d be dead anyway in the event of a nuclear holocaust. Why not be one of the people that goes out not being one of the violent bastards? Fuck it. All you’ve got to lose is knowing that you fired a missile back before you were destroyed anyway. I’d rather die thinking, I died in peace, bro.
What’s the best museum you’ve ever been to?
I genuinely went to the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam and enjoyed that. You know, it’s just something to do while you were there. The sex museum in Amsterdam is a laugh, it’s good. I’ve got a very short attention span with walking around looking at stuff. Weirdly, I can sit down and read a novel for hours and hours and hours but I’m not a big museum-y type person and galleries and stuff. I’m like, “Ugh.” I can take the painting and I’m done in a second, next one.You sort of have to sit there thinking something profound, five minutes later I get bored. Bored, bored, bored. I like scienc-y stuff, so it would probably have to be the Natural History Museum.
MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?
Have I ever tried it? Of course.
LifeHacks.io: If you could jump into a pool of something, what would it be?
People. With no clothes on. Yeah, a pool of people. Banging techno on the outside.
Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?
Have I ever flown a kite? Yeah, loads of times. It was good. How many people in this room have got a kite story? Kites. The thing is that when I was a kid I was into more stay-in-and-use-your-imagination-type games and my dad was very physical, sporty. So we didn’t have many of those shared experiences because I would have rather stayed in my room and written a story about a magical kite rather than going out and play with a kite. That’s one of the things in my life where me and my old man was like, it finished with him building a gym at the bottom of our garden. We had a former council house and he built a lean-to coming off of his shed, which was a gym where we were supposed to go and, like, build ourselves up. There were protein shakes in the house, me and my brother. And of course I now had a space down at the bottom of the garden where no one could hear me. Mirror, lights, so I was just learning show tunes. “Will we ever reach Oz, Dorothy, will we?” So yeah, but kite’s quite camp, isn’t it? So I suppose you’d do it more often.
Have you ever seen a ghost?
Uh, I’m total cynical atheist. Don’t believe in anything. Don’t believe I’ve ever had an experience like that. But, when I say I’m cynical, I’ve also got a childish desire for shit like that to be true. Even though the science-y, intellectual part of my brain won’t allow me to. So when someone says, “This house is definitely haunted.” We’re doing a campout, a few friends, I would probably go. I wouldn’t go, “There’s definitely no such thing as ghosts.” I would go and I would want it to be real. Has anyone ever done those ghosts experiences where you stay up through the night? It was in Birmingham and me and Lindsey went. And we were in this old house that was supposed to be haunted, but because of the people and the spiritualists were Brummie I just couldn’t… *Mimics Brummie accent.* It just totally ruined the whole experience. […] It never worked for me. I can’t be hypnotised, I don’t see ghosts. I’ve been to see… you know, like the psychic people. And Lindsey and I, we argue about it sometimes. She’s, “But you believe. I do believe there’s a presence and ghosts and stuff like that.” Before we got married, there’s a guy from the south end, where I’m from. and he’s supposed to be one of the best – you know when someone says, “He’s really, he’s definitely real. He’s a psychic.” Who’s been to see psychics? Just for a laugh? No one wants to admit it. I went in; he’s a wheelchair user, which shouldn’t have anything to do with it, but he uses it to building the mystic, like, “I’m more in tuned with my psychic powers because I’m physically incapacitated.” He was playing that card, I’m sorry but he was. So we’ve gone in. He obviously is a bit aware of who I am, knows my age – the real one – and I’ve gone and sat down. And the guy… I think it works by people giving away little bits of information. So if I say to you, “Are you a manual labourer?” And I can see by your body language you’re not, I can then adjust my next guess accordingly. Stand ups use it a lot when they’re speaking to the front row. It’s just a highly-tuned version of that. So I sit like that *sits up straight*. “Yes, no.” I give nothing. But with my mind open. Thinking – this guy didn’t know my dad was dead and I’m thinking, My dad’s dead, my dad’s dead. Didn’t pick up my old man was dead. And then, so he was asking about the wedding, “I want you to know – if I was to say, on your mother’s side, a white-haired man looking down at you, would that ring a bell?” I was, like, “My, my granddad? My mum’s dad?” I’, forty, so he’s thinking, I’m onto one here. And he said, “I want you to know on your wedding day that your granddad will be looking down on you.” And I was like, “I hope so, he’s coming up from Luton.”
RH predicts that Donald Trump will definitely win the presidential race.
RH reveals that he recently had a dream where Sarah Millican died.