Title: Fish Pie Mix
Original Record Date: July 18, 2016
Soundcloud Publication Date: September 14, 2016
Youtube Publication Date: September 14, 2016
Please Welcome a Man
Who has had an indecent proposal from a TV star. He’s going to tell you all about it.
I was at my huck-a-buck lesson. The huck-a-buck dancing class I go to. They teach you how to do the huck-a-buck.
Guest Best Known
For his appearance in Ruth Jones’ Easter Treat. He was also, of course, as Tom in Two Fists, One Heart.
Better or Worse than Last Week: Better
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Member Member Note David Frew present identified by RH as stalker-type fan Andy McH present identified by RH as stalker-type fan
Would you rather date a woman who was a 6-foot tall vulva, or a woman who instead of having a vagina had another tiny woman in her place?
Just a massive fanny? Does the 6-foot fanny have eyes? Does it have a brain? Does it have intelligence? Loose lips; terrible at keeping secrets. Sort of like Boris Johnson. Trying to make itself look human but you know it’s a cunt. I should go back to stand up; that’s almost a joke. So a babushka situation. *RH notes that it would be like dating two women at once.* Well, it wouldn’t because neither of them have vaginas. Not that I’m saying gender is biological. Sorry, gender is a social construct so they’re women if they think they are. But um, it’s tough time to be a [unintelligible]. Look, I think I’d get bored with a massive vagina. Not just bored but, like, freaked out. Like, vagina – I love vaginas. I absolutely… I started in one and I hope I die in one. Like, I love a fanny, me. I love them. I love everything about them. All the weird things about them. The taste and it’s brilliant. I love a fanny but there’s got to be a point where it’s gross. Like, I don’t mind a big fanny but not… Like, I reckon over *begins measuring with fingers*. Like, if the distance between perineum and clitoris is bigger than 15 centimeters it’s starting to get a bit more like a sort of barbecue. Like, a series of sort of meats. Like a section of a butcher’s shop. *RH envisages a Narnia-like world inside the 6-foot tall fanny.* Well, then you have to get into the specifics of what’s in the world behind the fanny. Like, if behind the fanny it’s a series of women with normal-sized fannies, then I’d be like, “Yeah, take me to the massive fanny.”
When you masturbate, is the first stroke away or towards?
Towards. First is a pull.
If you were the Prime Minister, would you use nuclear weapons?
I actually think – and this is where it gets psychopathic – if you’re a leader you have to be led by evidence. So, for example, the example I use is the death penalty. If the death penalty evidently did a net good for the most number of people. So, if we had proof, like we do on some indigenous societies on islands, that if someone kills someone, killing them back is actually good for that society. So in our society, if we went, “Killing someone makes the family of the victim happier and that you can have a 99.99% success rate in guilt, in your assessment of their guilt. You know, if the evidence said – Just checked his fucking watch. I mean, fair enough; I’m super boring about this. So of course, yes, I would use nuclear weapons in particular circumstances. The circumstance would have to be something like there’s an island of rapists and in fact, well, I don’t believe in free will so I don’t believe it’s their fault that they’re rapists, but if you could prove that if they got off the island they would create a society of pedophilia and rape, then yeah. I mean, yeah. You just need the evidence and I suspect there would never be a case like that, so no.
Ali’s Randomage: Have you ever flown a kite?
Have I ever flown a cunt? *RH corrects TM.* You can’t say “cunt” in America. You can say “kite” though. Fuck yes. I had a stunt kite in my teens and I absolutely […] It was brilliant, loved it. I spent a lot of time with a kite. Yeah, yeah, I mean, you do get a sense that the sky’s bigger in Australia but not, not at the level of sort of string length. It’s more like, like the length of string I had on my kite would have been fine in England. It wouldn’t have hit the top of the snow globe.
MarshallJonesJr.com: Have you ever tried sushi?
Should I just give you a yes or no on that one? No – yes. Yeah, I’ve really got into it recently. You mean, like, raw fish on stuff? Yeah. Did you write these questions down, like, 18 years ago? And thought, One day I’ll have something called a “podcast”.
Kettle Crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed or have they? That’s a rhetorical question. If you could travel back in time to compare any food of today with an equivalent in the past, what time would you go back to and what food would you taste?
It’s tough to have one right at your fingertips. So you get a food from now and you think, I’m going to go back to Elizabethan times and see if that food’s very different. There’s no other way to know. I want this to – I mean, if there’s any real, if there is in the universe a reason for time travel, this is it. Um, I would get an egg that’s used by today and I’d go to yesterday and I’d see if it’s, like, a problem. Because I fucking – I’m religious about about it, so *mimics throwing out a day-old product*. That’s shit, right? I should sniff it, but time travel would be quicker than sniffing it.
Do you think if you have sex with a robot that should count as cheating on your partner?
No. No. Did you fuck a robot? Did you get busted fucking a robot? “You just switched it off!” “No, it was always off!” […] It’s very interesting. I mean, a pretty sexy robot like a person, I don’t have a moral issue with that. But a really sexy robot that’s a lot like a person, that might have intelligence, that’s a moral quandary. I would love to have sex with a sexy robot. But I mean, I want to have sex with sexy people as well. So if I can have sex with a sexy person without it being problematic, then yeah.
Why do we have frozen peas?
That’s a very good question. To stop swelling. Yeah, you’ll take your peas frozen. Um, I assume it’s because they’re annoying to shell. And so you want to get them all out, and once you’ve got them out, it’s, like, there’s some loss in quality from fresh, but no because they’re a very simple little chemical structure. There’s not much loss of quality.
Kickstarter: Tim Turner says, “Richard Dawkins claims to have seen dogs doing a 69. What’s the worst lie you have told to impress people?”
That’s an amazing question. It certainly doesn’t need answering. I don’t know. I think Richard Dawkins has seen more than you think. Dickie Dawkins is a weird bloke. I reckon he might have set them up. I reckon he got a dog and went, sort of, held them there. Licked and panting. I reckon he made them do it.
Who would you rather died: Windsor Davies or Matthew Crosby’s wife?
Say them again? Don’t know, don’t know. I would rather the first one, because Matthew Crosby’s wife doesn’t even have her own identity; she deserves a chance to come into her own before she cuts. She deserves to rise up into self-ness before we kill her.
RH recounts story about being invited to a taping of The Furchester Hotel after he revealed in a Metro article that he wanted to sleep with Funella Furchester.
This is TM’s second appearance.
TM was the first RHLSTP guest.
TM identifies a number of the front-row audience members as stalker-type fans.
TM predicts that Donald Trump will win the American presidential race.
When RH started discussing fish pie mix, TM points out that an audience member is leaving. He later returned.
RH makes Stockhausen joke.